Conan Exiles addresses tech issues post launch, laughs at dong obsession

Funcom’s brand-new early access survival sandbox Conan Exiles got a patch yesterday aiming to clean up multiple issues in the game, including server sorting and selection, Steam Connect tools, disconnects, and building damage. You should also never immediately die of hunger after respawning. Bonus.

On Twitter, the studio told fans that it’s still working on boosting server capacity “as soon as tomorrow, but it will take time.” It’s also working on rubberbanding problems and is promises patches on the daily.

Meaaaaannnnnwhile, the internet has discovered that egalitarian body sliders mean lots and lots of male anatomy. (Hey dudes, if you’re discombobulated by the sudden obsession with your sparkly bits, imagine how we’ve felt all this time!) Here’s one NSFW example — totes not safe for work, but amusing nonetheless — retweeted by a Funcom employee. You’re welcome!

MOP’s Andrew and MJ began streaming the game starting Monday; I understand shirts are also entirely optional. Here’s their Tuesday show!

Source: Steam
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57 Comments on "Conan Exiles addresses tech issues post launch, laughs at dong obsession"

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drypulse

wangtastic?

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kelvar

I’m going to make a barbarian with the biggest muscles, the tiniest dong and call him Compensator The Conqueror!

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Phubarrh

And this, folks, is why Brexit happened…

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GoJammit

Can someone tell me how to change my name?

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Utakata

Well…there’s a name I haven’t seen Massively-that-was! o.O
But answer your question…
Legally? I have a vague idea how that’s down in this country of Canada. Not so sure State side though…beyond I believe can be done.
Account wise? Roll any of the sign up options with an alias. Beyond that, I am not sure it’s possible to change your name you are using with signing up here currently. Sorry. :(

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Archebius

Discombobulated? I’m just disappointed this isn’t more common.

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Utakata

If there is an article that needs Mr. Schlag’s insightful input right now, it this one! Lol! :)

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Bryan Correll

Schlag…….or Schlong?

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Utakata

You know…admittedly that thought did cross my mind. But my pigtails like to be perceived of having more etiquette. :(

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rafael12104

Hmm.. so does the size of your “little Conan” give you enhanced abilities of some type? ;)

kofteburger
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kofteburger

I’ll just leave this here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPrnduGtgmc

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Bryan Correll
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rafael12104

Lol. Well, that was hilarious. Unfortunately now when I go to my Youtube page it is going to be a recommendation be cause I listened to it.

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enamel

I much prefer Rust’s randomly generated gender, race and organ sizing. Probably one of my most favorite things to happen in video games this decade.

kofteburger
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kofteburger

I hated that so much I deleted the game from my Steam account. And I had payed the full price.

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Brother Maynard

lots and lots of male anatomy

Ahh, I am relieved. At long last, I’ll be able to create a character with the big feet I’ve always wanted!

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NeoWolf

It IS Conan.. there was going to be nudity lol

I must admit however I was a little surprised when my 3rd person female stygians clothes got destroyed during a fight and I swam across a river to escape a croc.. and I was like “oh right..vag in my face..okay so both are definitely anatomically correct lol”.

Bare bum and breasts I was expecting even the “hint” of pubic hair but I didn’t expect they’d go to quite that level of anatomical accuracy :)

Not that it bothers me I mean we All have genitals this is hardly news to anyone hehe.. well I hope it isn’t just how sheltered a life have some people led? lol

They have said they are going to add more body types too.. so I guess its only a matter of time before body shaming comes to Exiles :)

What we need is a loincloth slider..so our large genitals can be hidden by our colossal loincloths? would totally make loin cloth envy a thing.. HONEST! :)

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silverlock

I’d recommend first person for swimming but the swim animations are rather good I think.

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silverlock

Just wanted to point out that while servers have a setting for max nudity, Full, Partial, None, you can still set your own nudity level to none even if you’re on a full nudity server.

Now I don’t know exactly how that works out though. If your on a full server and set to none does that mean your character is never nude but others are? or do you see everyone as clothed but they still see you as naked?

DeadlyAccurate
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DeadlyAccurate

That’s good to know. I’m cool with full nudity in games, but if I were to set up a server to play with friends, I’d probably set the server to no nudity as a courtesy.

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Vagabond Sam

Your setting affects how you see everyone so you can just go ‘none’ on a server that allows ‘full’ and everyone wears underwear

Other people see you according to their settings too. Not your own

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Slaasher

Well I think its great! Bigger the better. Just don’t trip over yourself trying to get things done

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Paragon Lost

lol! While I and my wife both laughed pretty damn hard at that NSFW video, I will say that the maturity level of game developers still leaves a lot to be desired.

Vaeris
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Vaeris

I mean, even 2 minutes of development time…this…this is what was chosen to spend it on. Genitalia that has NO gameplay linked to it other than giggles. Can you just see with all the lag issues they are having being lagged out with a giant penis or vagina taking up 3/4 of your screen. smdh

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Vexia

Not sure if this equal opportunity nudity will be the best thing… or the worst thing.

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Leiloni

I wonder if guys would roll male characters more often in regular MMORPG’s if they had stuff like pec and dong sliders to play around with and loincloths to wear.

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Malcolm Swoboda

“I don’t want to see a dick!” vs “Finally, now I can virtually feel attachment to a virtual dick!”

WHAT WILL WIN?

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Vexia

Or will the saying evolve from “If I have to stare at my character’s butt all day, it might as well be an attractive one,” to “If I have to [?] stare at my character’s genitals all day…..”

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Malcolm Swoboda

Well good thing they don’t. Clothing is more than optional – its helpful.

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TomTurtle

Seeing as how people on Twitch went out of their way to remark that they tuned into a male’s stream that actually was playing a male character, I’d say that probably doesn’t influence someone’s choice all that much.

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Leiloni

Why are dongs so much funnier than boobs? I mean I agree but I don’t get it lol.

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Bryan Correll

Is there a /helicopter emote?

sawlstone
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sawlstone

I made mine really small since I’m RPing

PurpleCopper
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PurpleCopper

Woah, breast AND cock sliders?!

Disappointed that the breast slider for men weren’t female breasts, but pecs.

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Leiloni

Nobody wants to look at man boobs. Besides if you’re living in the harsh world of Conan you don’t have enough food to be fat.

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TomTurtle

Both the male and female models are very attractive. It’s nice to see Funcom did a good job on character models considering how difficult it is to get those done well in the video game genre.

Wonderfully enough, this game isn’t banned on Twitch since the nudity isn’t the main subject matter of the game, which is true. It really isn’t.

I hope Funcom can keep up the pace on addressing issues and adding in content.

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Greaterdivinity

Watching some of the media who like to pretend they are “serious” cover this game from the “HAHAHA BUT DONGS!” angle was giving me more than a few giggles yesterday.

Equal opportunity fanservice for all. I CALL THIS A WIN.

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Melissa McDonald

Boob sliders? equal time, gents.

styopa
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styopa

So the default “black cock is bigger” isn’t a racist stereotype? Or is it acceptable because it’s good, like “blacks are good at dancing”?

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draugris

the question is if it isn´t more racist for the white guys “to have the small one”

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Boom

Ding dong the witch is dead now sounds odd to me

Reader

Tea bagging. Now with floppy dong action. Fun things aside I tried Second Life ages ago and anyone that has been on there has seen far worse. I still think society is so stupid for trying to censor anatomy while being “a ok” with all the blood splatter going on in all forms of entertainment.

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Dug From The Earth

Finally… a MoP article with some meat in it!

Andrew Ross
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Andrew Ross

Quick note: a guy in Rust once let me live because my randomly generated “package” get the proverbial short end of the stick. I may experiment with that in Exiles.

Also, I was surprised that men have a breast size option too. I wonder if a lot of guys are using it inversely compared with the endowment slider.

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Melissa McDonald

ROFL are you joking? spared you for having a small appendage?

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Captain Crash

This is indeed a big factor for Rust players

Andrew Ross
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Andrew Ross

Yup! I hate to admit it, but my character was also Asian. I hadn’t seen my character before then, so it was certainly an interesting way to learn what I looked like!

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Michael Rees

So, for a survival sandbox…

Donger needs food.jpg
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Bryan Correll

Length slider but not girth? Boo.

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silverlock

Keep in mind this is just the first go round Funcom has promised more body sliders. While they did specifically say you could be fatter I don’t think that’s what they meant.

Crow
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Crow

Big dong, little dong, big dong, little dong.

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Hirku

Shrinkage!

shrinkage.jpg
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BalsBigBrother

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BalsBigBrother

hmm

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BalsBigBrother

third times the charm EDIT: well I give up and concede defeat *shakey fist*

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