wrup

WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: This is the train to your backyard edition

This is the through train to your backyard, making stops at your neighbor’s backyard, the creepy alley behind the convenience store, the old field where you think someone got murdered, and the doctor’s office. The next stop will be at that Mexican place you call Los Tacos for some reason. Please stand clear of the closing doors.

Oh, God. What have you done? You didn’t stand clear of the closing doors. You’re being dragged along beside the train now. That looks painful and entirely pointless. We told you to stand clear of the closing doors. Run fast, hopefully you can catch up.

Unfortunately, doors open at the other side at that Mexican place you call Los Tacos for some reason. Please allow people to exit the train before getting on, and please leave your weekend pans in the comments for this week’s installment of What Are You Playing. This is the through train to your backyard…

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WRUP: Don’t act all high and mighty because you have a face edition

Carol, listen to me, I’m tired of having this argument. We keep going back and forth over it, and it always comes down to a question of who is the better person. It’s crap, and I’m sick of it. Do you understand? Don’t act all high and mighty because you have a face, Carol.

Lots of people don’t have faces, you know. It’s not just me. And it’s really offensive when you put a mask over my yawning abyss swallowing meaning and claim that it’s like a face. I am happy with who I am, Carol. I’m happy that I don’t have a face. I don’t want a face. Don’t try to change who I am like this.

I’ll meet you halfway, I’m not being inflexible. I promise you, I will do my best to not speak in the tongue which rends the veil and made your brother weep tears of blood at Thanksgiving. But please, don’t act as if having a face makes you better than me. I mean, you don’t even leave your weekend plans in What Are You Playing. Who even does that? All the cool kids leave their plans there.

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WRUP: Answering the greatest science mysteries edition

Man, science is so simple. All we really have to do is stop entrusting all of it to the scientists, right? We can just, like, make up answers to scientific questions, and then those will be the right answers and we won’t need any more science! This seems so easy. Here, let’s start, this page is about several unsolved mysteries. I can solve all of them quick!

Why is there more matter than antimatter? More matter bricks came with the kit, like with LEGO sets. Where is all the lithium? The Borg stole it. Why do we sleep? Because we’re tired, duh. How does gravity work? Magnets. Where is everyone? Out having a party you weren’t invited to. What is dark matter made of? Matter with lots of black paint. How did life begin? Magic. How do plate tectonics work? Underground robots. How do animals migrate? Time-traveling GPS systems. What is dark energy? A different sort of magic than the life-starting magic.

There, that was quick! Science is simple. Solve some more science for us down in the comments of What Are You Playing while you tell us what you’re up to over the weekend.

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WRUP: Reasons to order your badger through the mail edition

Lately, we’ve gotten a lot of questions about our new mail-order badger system. “Why should I order a badger through the mail,” you ask, “when I could simply walk to the local field and be assaulted by dozens?” And that’s a good question! But it’s one with several easy answers in list form just below.

  • Deluxe Badger-Guard Plastic Protection: Only our mail-order badgers feature Deluxe Badger-Guard Plastic Protection. What does this fantastic protection do? Who cares! You can only get it from us.
  • Very few rotting oranges: When you order from us, it’s highly likely that we will ship you an actual badger instead of a pile of rotting oranges with the approximate mass of a badger. The field, meanwhile, could just be covered in rotten oranges.
  • Sleek, glossy coat: None of our badgers actually have a sleek, glossy coat, but our stock photos do.
  • The field is for drug addicts and vagrants: If you go into the field, the State Vagrancy Police will arrest you and throw you in a cell. Is that really how you want your grandchildren to remember you?

Clearly, our mail-order badgers are the only way to go! Send a check or money order for $46.75, plus $3.00 for shipping and handling, plus $4.00 for emotional wounds, minus $1.00 for physical wounds, plus a number of dollars equal to the last digit of your zip code just for the heck of it. Also, leave your weekend plans in the comments down below, because it’s What Are You Playing time.

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WRUP: The field guide to fighting skeleton dinosaurs edition

Allosaurus fragilis: Make sure to only engage these skeletons when you have both the hookshot and the double-jump, as otherwise you won’t be able to successfully jump over its charge move without taking damage from the fire trail it leaves. A close-range weapon like a sword is best when counterattacking.

Protoceratops andrewsi: These are low to the ground, but they’ll jump over burst effects like the Freeze Wave. Instead, use homing missiles or the Pain Sphere to hit them. Most of them won’t take many hits, but they tend to swam.

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus: Use cluster bombs to discourage it from its lunging bite attack, the claw swipes can safely be ducked. If you’ve got the opportunity, triangle jump onto its back, as the thunder effects can’t hurt you up there. You can also try to rapid-fire these things down if you’ve got the laser upgrade.

Europasaurus holgeri: Offer these beasts a chestnut to pass without combat.

Liopleurodon ferox: This is not a dinosaur. If you are fighting one of these, let us know what you’re up to in the comments of this week’s What Are You Playing and include a note about fighting skeletal marine reptiles. Try to dodge its attacks or something, I guess.

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WRUP: Gotta go fast edition

Go, go, go, go, gotta go fast. No, fast. I said fast. You call that going fast? You’re going slow. Stop slowing down. You have to go fast. Fast. Do you even… what is wrong with you? Don’t stop there. Don’t sniff something. Are you falling asleep? Go fast.

Oh, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. You’ve gotta go fast. Why are you not going fast? I will chase you with a taser if you don’t start going – wait! Yes, yes, you’re going fast now! Keep going fast! You’re going fast right… to… that convenience store. And you’re hiding and talking to the cashier, and… yep, he’s pointing at me, he’s calling someone. It’s probably the cops.

This isn’t good. You don’t understand, officer. Going slow isn’t an option. You’ve got to go fast. Faster. Please, don’t hit me in the face with a nightstick. Look, if you just look at the comments of What Are You Playing, it will all make sense. Please. You’ve got to go fast.

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WRUP: It’s dangerous to go alone edition

It’s dangerous to go alone! Have fun.

What, you want me to give you something? Holy crap, no. Why would I give you something? It is dangerous out there, and this is my stuff. I like my stuff. That’s why it’s my stuff, because otherwise I wouldn’t want this stuff. I’d have… like, other stuff, stuff that I didn’t like as much. Maybe your stuff.

So, yeah, it’s dangerous to go alone, but that’s really your own stupid problem. You can probably find like apples or swords or rocks or something to use while you’re out there, that’ll save you. Or you’ll die violently. I don’t care. Leave your entry on this week’s What Are You Playing and get out. Really, go. It’s much less dangerous to stay here alone. Leave!

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WRUP: A tribute to Schlag edition

If you never read the comments… well, you probably don’t read What Are You Playing either, since half of the dang column is the comments. But you’re also missing out on our regular commenter Schlag, whom we all enjoy immensely. And this week, I get to write a tribute to him because the dude is down there with hand-crafted memetic humor on a remarkably large number of posts. Like, all the time.

We might not like that if not for the fact that he takes the time to hand-make most of them himself, and they are always not just relevant to the conversation but actively amusing. He does this because he enjoys doing it, and it’s absolutely awesome. He’s never disruptive, always upbeat, but always bringing a bit of humor in image format. And that means a lot to us. We recognize that it’s hard to deliver a nice piece of humor in image format, especially while staying on-topic and custom crafting things on a pretty much daily basis.

So here’s to Schlag Sweetleaf, because we like him. And Bree said I could pay him tribute this week, so I did.

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WRUP: A new and largely identical frontier edition

The fun thing about new frontiers is that anything you haven’t explored before technically qualifies as a new frontier. This week’s What Are You Playing, for example, is exploring the new frontier of 9:00 a.m. EDT. And guess what? It’s functionally more or less identical to the existing time slot we’ve always used, except that it’s a bit earlier. It’s a new frontier, but it’s also a fairly boring frontier.

Then again, that’s human beings for you. We are constantly re-indexing our experiences so each new thing we’re exposed to becomes part of the existing mental landscape we occupy. So sure, the first time you go to space, it’s all about gasping in wonder. The thousandth time, though, you find yourself going into another galaxy in cryo-stasis because now space travel is boring and everyone goes to space.

Anyhow, let us know what you’re up to this weekend in the comments. It might be new for the moment.

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WRUP: Things to cry about edition

Do you ever want to cry but find yourself unsure about a reason? Like you just have a whole lot of sadness, but you don’t have a reason to cry so you feel like it would be selfish to do so? Well, today we’re going to give you reasons to cry, starting with the fact that you are so entitled that you think you need a reason to cry when you can’t come up with one.

Seriously, how self-indulgent is that? Your life is so great that you have no reason to cry, but you want to just “get it out” or whatever? You’re being absurdly selfish and probably lying to yourself. If you can’t think of a thing to cry about off of the top of your head, you are probably either not actually in need of a good cry and almost certainly treating the pain of other people like some kind of theme park.

Also, we’re going to all have to see Carrie Fisher in The Last Jedi, and that’s going to just be sad on every level. In addition to leaving your weekend plans in the comments of this week’s What Are You Playing, feel free to also leave your own favorite reasons to cry.

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WRUP: All of the sports edition

Sports! A surprising number of people who were shoved into lockers in high school like them anyway. They can be confusing, though, so here’s a quick guide to all of the sports. In America, the big ones are Muscular Men with Hats, Tall Men on Wood Floors, Helmet Men Hugging and Shouting, and Cold People Fighting with Sticks. Around the rest of the world, it’s also important to know about Running Men with Kicky Checkered Ball, and some places also like The Insect Game or Tiny Ball on a Too Big Lawn.

There are also people who want video games to be a sport, usually Warcraft III Mod With More Cheesecake or Warcraft III Mod With Other People’s Religions or Pixar’s Team Fortress 2. These people like to pretend that these are totally different from the sports they don’t like, usually Helmet Men Hugging and Shouting. It’s still all sports, though, so they’re the same thing.

All sports have the same basic structure. Everyone goes into the Sport Place, and then Excited Man and Laughing Man watch and tell people who are watching the sport game what is happening in the sport game. So, for example, one man will hit the ball in Muscular Men with Hats, and then Excited Man will shout that he hit the ball while Laughing Man agrees. Tell us about your favorite sports in the comments of this week’s What Are You Playing! Also what you’re playing this weekend.

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WRUP: Declined topics edition

Clown eruption edition. Snakes are in my hair edition. My name is Joseph and I am tired of people calling me Jonas edition. My name is actually Jonas and the band Weezer owes me so much money edition. Artificial edition. Genuinely early edition. The fifth annual Who Cares About Your Child Awards (featuring Macklemore) edition. Edition, edition, edition edition. Squirrelly edition.

Simon proclaims edition. Tape over your wedding edition. Duct tape on your eyes edition. Hovercraft edition. Ride someone else’s mount edition. Inception 2: Perchance to Dream edition. Underutilized exploding cars edition. How to make your horse deathly afraid of scorpions without really trying edition. I might actually use some of these if I can think of a better hook, thus making me a liar edition. Just What Are You Playing without absurdist nonsense prefacing the column edition. Leave your weekend plans in the comments and you already knew that edition.

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