wrup

WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: Horrible movies edition

The hush calls over the movie theater, but even before then, you all have that feeling. It hangs in the air like the scent of ozone, a faint urgency to every whispered conversation. Then the screen lights up, the theater goes dark. The previews go through. And the screen is… text, that dreaded opening of any film which does not start with the words “Star Wars.” Things are exposited, then the movie cold-opens in a place you don’t know.

You clench your teeth. It’s happened. You’re watching a horrible movie.

You know now that the rest of the run time will be filled with aborted arcs, unclear plots, idiotic decisions, and no characters whom you can identify with. At this point, your question becomes enjoying the rest of your popcorn or cutting your losses and just bringing the popcorn home, at which point it gets weird. Let us know what you’re playing in this week’s What Are You Playing, or just let us know about horrible movies you’ve seen or will see soon. We are all trapped together.

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WRUP: A lesson is learned but I can’t figure out what it is edition

I… huh. Well, all right, let’s start at the beginning. Yes, our line of medication is completely ruined. It was always meant to be a learning experience, and so I’m certain there are important lessons to be learned here. I am, however, entirely unclear on what any of those lessons are supposed to be.

The obvious ones are out. I mean, people don’t like bone pain? We knew that when we were making this drug, but we left it in for some reason. Marketing it to people by just sending it in the mail? Obviously not going to work! We knew that at the time. But our advertising blitz was solid, except I’m still not clear on why we had an advertising blitz. I don’t know exactly what we wanted to accomplish.

Did we want to accomplish something? Maybe the lesson here is “write down what you’re trying to do so you can ascertain what lesson you’re learning.” Muse on that down in this week’s installment of What Are You Playing, I have to stare at one of our pill bottles and wonder what went wrong. Or what things going right would have looked like, too.

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WRUP: Fine ways to waste your life edition

Acquire the world’s largest collection of unopened expired mayonnaise jars. Start a band with the goal of having the world’s best cover of 4’33”. Develop an extensive database and software designed to allow people to see which state comptrollers through history would win in a boating contest. Run for president of your bedroom by campaigning around the neighborhood. Use a dedicated scientific experiment to determine exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Devote your life to finding an insult that upsets owls.

Sent letters to celebrities using cut-out magazine letters indicating that you hope they are all having great days. Translate “Baby Got Back” into Aramaic. Find out which Whole Foods in the nation will let you stand in the produce department while yelling out the names of Transformers for the longest period of time before you are thrown out. Write nonsensical introductions to What Are You Playing. Learn how to install and have passionate opinions about various versions of Linux.

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WRUP: The interactive Massively Overpowered museum edition

Here at Massively Overpowered, we’re always pushing the boundaries of ways we can expand the understanding of the public while brushing up against the absolute boundaries of what is actually legal. That’s why we’re happy to announce the new interactive Massively Overpowered museum, where not only do you get to interact with the exhibits, but we encourage you to. We don’t give you a choice.

To start the experience, we throw mildly expired meat at you as soon as you’ve paid the $20 entry fee. Then we open the trap doors and fling you into the roaming cat exhibit, where several wild cats of varying degrees of ferocity will come after you. Once you’ve experienced the depths of our cat exhibit, we then open the door to the Live Current Sparking Through Open Wires exhibit.

Some people might say that we’re trying to simply defer the costs of a disastrous attempt at establishing a poorly constructed grocery store in a region infested with wild cats by pretending that it’s a museum. To that, we say that it’s What Are You Playing time and you should let us know when to expect you at the museum.

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WRUP: Come to Big Ron’s, just follow the bones edition

Hey there, folks, it’s your favorite neighborhood everything salesman, Big Ron! Are you looking for great deals on appliances, automobiles, and furniture? Then come on down to Big Ron’s Deal Center! Just follow the bones!

Yes, the bones! We don’t know why they’re there and we don’t know what they come from, but if you keep on the trail of bleached ribcages with too many rips and femurs that disturbingly human, you’ll wind up at Big Ron’s! This week, we’ve got a great deal on a 2010 Corolla you have to see to believe, Maytag fridges starting at just $500, and an ominous black shape hovering at the edge of the property with glowing red eyes that seem to split and recombine! It’s probably harmless!

That’s Big Ron’s Deal Center, located off of route 423 and easily found by following the unidentifiable string of animal remains that litter the roadways, thicker and thicker until you get here! And if you’re the one putting all of the bones on our route, please let us know down in What Are You Playing. We’re going to call the cops. Otherwise, just tell us your weekend plans.

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WRUP: Items observed in this week’s recycling edition

A 1985 edition of a travel guide to Sweden. Seven broken glass bottles with the words “Sammy sux” written on them in permanent marker. A sealed box which was marked as “Don’s Crap.” Don, sleeping off a bender. Seventeen cans of Mountain Dew Green Label, which would be unremarkable except for the fact that none of them were opened. Half a bed. Half a phone book. All of a half-sized stepladder.

Four ant farms filled with glitter. A completed film manuscript entitled “Star Wars VII: The Force Blows Up Kylo Ren.” Far too many Tabula Rasa collector’s editions to count. Don again, sleeping off another bender. Don’s parole officer, looking for Don. This week’s installment of What Are You Playing. An entire cake with a fist indentation in it. Prom photos. Three bags of human hair. And, of course, raccoons.

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WRUP: This is the train to your backyard edition

This is the through train to your backyard, making stops at your neighbor’s backyard, the creepy alley behind the convenience store, the old field where you think someone got murdered, and the doctor’s office. The next stop will be at that Mexican place you call Los Tacos for some reason. Please stand clear of the closing doors.

Oh, God. What have you done? You didn’t stand clear of the closing doors. You’re being dragged along beside the train now. That looks painful and entirely pointless. We told you to stand clear of the closing doors. Run fast, hopefully you can catch up.

Unfortunately, doors open at the other side at that Mexican place you call Los Tacos for some reason. Please allow people to exit the train before getting on, and please leave your weekend pans in the comments for this week’s installment of What Are You Playing. This is the through train to your backyard…

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WRUP: Don’t act all high and mighty because you have a face edition

Carol, listen to me, I’m tired of having this argument. We keep going back and forth over it, and it always comes down to a question of who is the better person. It’s crap, and I’m sick of it. Do you understand? Don’t act all high and mighty because you have a face, Carol.

Lots of people don’t have faces, you know. It’s not just me. And it’s really offensive when you put a mask over my yawning abyss swallowing meaning and claim that it’s like a face. I am happy with who I am, Carol. I’m happy that I don’t have a face. I don’t want a face. Don’t try to change who I am like this.

I’ll meet you halfway, I’m not being inflexible. I promise you, I will do my best to not speak in the tongue which rends the veil and made your brother weep tears of blood at Thanksgiving. But please, don’t act as if having a face makes you better than me. I mean, you don’t even leave your weekend plans in What Are You Playing. Who even does that? All the cool kids leave their plans there.

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WRUP: Answering the greatest science mysteries edition

Man, science is so simple. All we really have to do is stop entrusting all of it to the scientists, right? We can just, like, make up answers to scientific questions, and then those will be the right answers and we won’t need any more science! This seems so easy. Here, let’s start, this page is about several unsolved mysteries. I can solve all of them quick!

Why is there more matter than antimatter? More matter bricks came with the kit, like with LEGO sets. Where is all the lithium? The Borg stole it. Why do we sleep? Because we’re tired, duh. How does gravity work? Magnets. Where is everyone? Out having a party you weren’t invited to. What is dark matter made of? Matter with lots of black paint. How did life begin? Magic. How do plate tectonics work? Underground robots. How do animals migrate? Time-traveling GPS systems. What is dark energy? A different sort of magic than the life-starting magic.

There, that was quick! Science is simple. Solve some more science for us down in the comments of What Are You Playing while you tell us what you’re up to over the weekend.

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WRUP: Reasons to order your badger through the mail edition

Lately, we’ve gotten a lot of questions about our new mail-order badger system. “Why should I order a badger through the mail,” you ask, “when I could simply walk to the local field and be assaulted by dozens?” And that’s a good question! But it’s one with several easy answers in list form just below.

  • Deluxe Badger-Guard Plastic Protection: Only our mail-order badgers feature Deluxe Badger-Guard Plastic Protection. What does this fantastic protection do? Who cares! You can only get it from us.
  • Very few rotting oranges: When you order from us, it’s highly likely that we will ship you an actual badger instead of a pile of rotting oranges with the approximate mass of a badger. The field, meanwhile, could just be covered in rotten oranges.
  • Sleek, glossy coat: None of our badgers actually have a sleek, glossy coat, but our stock photos do.
  • The field is for drug addicts and vagrants: If you go into the field, the State Vagrancy Police will arrest you and throw you in a cell. Is that really how you want your grandchildren to remember you?

Clearly, our mail-order badgers are the only way to go! Send a check or money order for $46.75, plus $3.00 for shipping and handling, plus $4.00 for emotional wounds, minus $1.00 for physical wounds, plus a number of dollars equal to the last digit of your zip code just for the heck of it. Also, leave your weekend plans in the comments down below, because it’s What Are You Playing time.

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WRUP: The field guide to fighting skeleton dinosaurs edition

Allosaurus fragilis: Make sure to only engage these skeletons when you have both the hookshot and the double-jump, as otherwise you won’t be able to successfully jump over its charge move without taking damage from the fire trail it leaves. A close-range weapon like a sword is best when counterattacking.

Protoceratops andrewsi: These are low to the ground, but they’ll jump over burst effects like the Freeze Wave. Instead, use homing missiles or the Pain Sphere to hit them. Most of them won’t take many hits, but they tend to swam.

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus: Use cluster bombs to discourage it from its lunging bite attack, the claw swipes can safely be ducked. If you’ve got the opportunity, triangle jump onto its back, as the thunder effects can’t hurt you up there. You can also try to rapid-fire these things down if you’ve got the laser upgrade.

Europasaurus holgeri: Offer these beasts a chestnut to pass without combat.

Liopleurodon ferox: This is not a dinosaur. If you are fighting one of these, let us know what you’re up to in the comments of this week’s What Are You Playing and include a note about fighting skeletal marine reptiles. Try to dodge its attacks or something, I guess.

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WRUP: Gotta go fast edition

Go, go, go, go, gotta go fast. No, fast. I said fast. You call that going fast? You’re going slow. Stop slowing down. You have to go fast. Fast. Do you even… what is wrong with you? Don’t stop there. Don’t sniff something. Are you falling asleep? Go fast.

Oh, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. You’ve gotta go fast. Why are you not going fast? I will chase you with a taser if you don’t start going – wait! Yes, yes, you’re going fast now! Keep going fast! You’re going fast right… to… that convenience store. And you’re hiding and talking to the cashier, and… yep, he’s pointing at me, he’s calling someone. It’s probably the cops.

This isn’t good. You don’t understand, officer. Going slow isn’t an option. You’ve got to go fast. Faster. Please, don’t hit me in the face with a nightstick. Look, if you just look at the comments of What Are You Playing, it will all make sense. Please. You’ve got to go fast.

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