WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: Gotta go fast edition

Go, go, go, go, gotta go fast. No, fast. I said fast. You call that going fast? You’re going slow. Stop slowing down. You have to go fast. Fast. Do you even… what is wrong with you? Don’t stop there. Don’t sniff something. Are you falling asleep? Go fast.

Oh, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. You’ve gotta go fast. Why are you not going fast? I will chase you with a taser if you don’t start going – wait! Yes, yes, you’re going fast now! Keep going fast! You’re going fast right… to… that convenience store. And you’re hiding and talking to the cashier, and… yep, he’s pointing at me, he’s calling someone. It’s probably the cops.

This isn’t good. You don’t understand, officer. Going slow isn’t an option. You’ve got to go fast. Faster. Please, don’t hit me in the face with a nightstick. Look, if you just look at the comments of What Are You Playing, it will all make sense. Please. You’ve got to go fast.

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WRUP: It’s dangerous to go alone edition

It’s dangerous to go alone! Have fun.

What, you want me to give you something? Holy crap, no. Why would I give you something? It is dangerous out there, and this is my stuff. I like my stuff. That’s why it’s my stuff, because otherwise I wouldn’t want this stuff. I’d have… like, other stuff, stuff that I didn’t like as much. Maybe your stuff.

So, yeah, it’s dangerous to go alone, but that’s really your own stupid problem. You can probably find like apples or swords or rocks or something to use while you’re out there, that’ll save you. Or you’ll die violently. I don’t care. Leave your entry on this week’s What Are You Playing and get out. Really, go. It’s much less dangerous to stay here alone. Leave!

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WRUP: A tribute to Schlag edition

If you never read the comments… well, you probably don’t read What Are You Playing either, since half of the dang column is the comments. But you’re also missing out on our regular commenter Schlag, whom we all enjoy immensely. And this week, I get to write a tribute to him because the dude is down there with hand-crafted memetic humor on a remarkably large number of posts. Like, all the time.

We might not like that if not for the fact that he takes the time to hand-make most of them himself, and they are always not just relevant to the conversation but actively amusing. He does this because he enjoys doing it, and it’s absolutely awesome. He’s never disruptive, always upbeat, but always bringing a bit of humor in image format. And that means a lot to us. We recognize that it’s hard to deliver a nice piece of humor in image format, especially while staying on-topic and custom crafting things on a pretty much daily basis.

So here’s to Schlag Sweetleaf, because we like him. And Bree said I could pay him tribute this week, so I did.

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WRUP: A new and largely identical frontier edition

The fun thing about new frontiers is that anything you haven’t explored before technically qualifies as a new frontier. This week’s What Are You Playing, for example, is exploring the new frontier of 9:00 a.m. EDT. And guess what? It’s functionally more or less identical to the existing time slot we’ve always used, except that it’s a bit earlier. It’s a new frontier, but it’s also a fairly boring frontier.

Then again, that’s human beings for you. We are constantly re-indexing our experiences so each new thing we’re exposed to becomes part of the existing mental landscape we occupy. So sure, the first time you go to space, it’s all about gasping in wonder. The thousandth time, though, you find yourself going into another galaxy in cryo-stasis because now space travel is boring and everyone goes to space.

Anyhow, let us know what you’re up to this weekend in the comments. It might be new for the moment.

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WRUP: Things to cry about edition

Do you ever want to cry but find yourself unsure about a reason? Like you just have a whole lot of sadness, but you don’t have a reason to cry so you feel like it would be selfish to do so? Well, today we’re going to give you reasons to cry, starting with the fact that you are so entitled that you think you need a reason to cry when you can’t come up with one.

Seriously, how self-indulgent is that? Your life is so great that you have no reason to cry, but you want to just “get it out” or whatever? You’re being absurdly selfish and probably lying to yourself. If you can’t think of a thing to cry about off of the top of your head, you are probably either not actually in need of a good cry and almost certainly treating the pain of other people like some kind of theme park.

Also, we’re going to all have to see Carrie Fisher in The Last Jedi, and that’s going to just be sad on every level. In addition to leaving your weekend plans in the comments of this week’s What Are You Playing, feel free to also leave your own favorite reasons to cry.

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WRUP: All of the sports edition

Sports! A surprising number of people who were shoved into lockers in high school like them anyway. They can be confusing, though, so here’s a quick guide to all of the sports. In America, the big ones are Muscular Men with Hats, Tall Men on Wood Floors, Helmet Men Hugging and Shouting, and Cold People Fighting with Sticks. Around the rest of the world, it’s also important to know about Running Men with Kicky Checkered Ball, and some places also like The Insect Game or Tiny Ball on a Too Big Lawn.

There are also people who want video games to be a sport, usually Warcraft III Mod With More Cheesecake or Warcraft III Mod With Other People’s Religions or Pixar’s Team Fortress 2. These people like to pretend that these are totally different from the sports they don’t like, usually Helmet Men Hugging and Shouting. It’s still all sports, though, so they’re the same thing.

All sports have the same basic structure. Everyone goes into the Sport Place, and then Excited Man and Laughing Man watch and tell people who are watching the sport game what is happening in the sport game. So, for example, one man will hit the ball in Muscular Men with Hats, and then Excited Man will shout that he hit the ball while Laughing Man agrees. Tell us about your favorite sports in the comments of this week’s What Are You Playing! Also what you’re playing this weekend.

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WRUP: Declined topics edition

Clown eruption edition. Snakes are in my hair edition. My name is Joseph and I am tired of people calling me Jonas edition. My name is actually Jonas and the band Weezer owes me so much money edition. Artificial edition. Genuinely early edition. The fifth annual Who Cares About Your Child Awards (featuring Macklemore) edition. Edition, edition, edition edition. Squirrelly edition.

Simon proclaims edition. Tape over your wedding edition. Duct tape on your eyes edition. Hovercraft edition. Ride someone else’s mount edition. Inception 2: Perchance to Dream edition. Underutilized exploding cars edition. How to make your horse deathly afraid of scorpions without really trying edition. I might actually use some of these if I can think of a better hook, thus making me a liar edition. Just What Are You Playing without absurdist nonsense prefacing the column edition. Leave your weekend plans in the comments and you already knew that edition.

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WRUP: Say it once edition

Most of the time, if you have something to say, you should say it once. That’s enough. Just once, then move on. Make your point, make your argument, then move on with your life. If you think that a television show is really bad, say it once. Then don’t watch it. Stop talking about it. Move on with your life.

You convince few people by saying the same thing over and over. In fact, you’re more likely to sound petulant than sounding convincing. If new evidence arises, that’s a different story, but if you’re talking about something that hasn’t changed since you initially said it, you’re not adding anything new to the discussion. You’re just repeating yourself, and you’re sounding as if that’s all you have to say.

So just say it once. For example, this week, just tell us what you’re doing in the What Are You Playing comments one time. Don’t post three comments telling us what you’re doing over the weekend. Just once.

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WRUP: Better living through obsolete technology edition

Are you the sort of insufferable dillweed who wastes everyone’s time during a social gathering talking about how humanity should never have moved on from vinyl records or failure-prone game cartridges or whatever else makes you just insufferable instead of Amish? Then you should order our new series, Better Living Through Obsolete Technology! It’s perfect for the change-averse weirdo who doesn’t understand why no one has not programmed a decent MMO for the Commodore 64.

This comprehensive 18-tape VHS set with an additional audio reading 8-track recording and laserdisc companion series will guide you in the delicate art of yelling at computer salesmen, why scanlines are the best thing ever, and how to scold people for ruining your playback because they turned on a vacuum cleaner within the same time zone. To order, send a personal check (no money orders or PayPal) to the bottom of the trash can and leave your weekend plans in the comments for What Are You Playing this week.

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WRUP: I am not hiding illegal weapons in a lizard edition

Good morning! How are you? I’m good. I’m very good. I am not hiding illegal weapons in a lizard. Can I get you something? Tea, laxatives, snake venom antidotes? There is no snake venom in the tea, nor are there snakes hiding in the bathroom sink. Nothing for you? All right, then. Please, make yourself at home, this house is not infested by silverfish the size of VW minibuses. No one is watching you through a sniper rifle scope that I am aware of.

Are you all right? You seem tense. You are not being set up by the CIA due to being in this house. Perhaps you’d like to watch a movie without any subliminal messages inserted by Fidel Castro? What do you mean I keep saying disturbing things? Every reassurance I give you is factually true, you’re really jumpy. Just leave your What Are You Playing entry down in the comments, it won’t cause your computer to catch fire specifically.

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WRUP: Introducing the Sega Box edition

Did you really think that Sega was getting out of the console business just because of the Dreamcast’s enormous failure? That’s just what they wanted everyone to think, releasing a series of terrible Sonic games to lull their rivals into a false sense of security. Now, with Nintendo having just released its own new console, Sega is proud to reveal the Sega Box, on this website for some reason!

The Sega Box features a fully immersive gaming experience with its launch title, Sonic Aquatic, when you fill the box with water and stick your head in. But quickly. It features seven USB ports, four of which randomly work when you boot up the system, and can run off of electricity, kerosene, or ennui. It also features 300 gigabytes of onboard storage which cannot be accessed, a dance pad, an undisclosed number of spiders, and free wi-fi if you’re already paying for it in your home. Also, it always answers What Are You Playing down in the comments. You should do that, too.

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WRUP: Parts may fall off edition

Congratulations on your new vehicle! You’ve made an excellent choice, because now we can feed our families. This money will be a blessing to us. Just to let you know, though, this is a minor thing, but parts may fall off of your vehicle. This is perfectly normal, and it’s generally nothing to worry about. Some of the molding might fall off the first time you pass 10 MPH, totally all right, nothing to be concerned about. A mirror or two might fall, but that’s normal.

Other parts that can fall off, which are completely expected and should prove no hazard, are the front cowling, exhaust pipes, wheel covers, passenger shielding, and the entire engine. Also, some of these parts may either catch fire or cause other things to catch fire. Last but not least, the soulstone sealing in the caged demon within the vehicle may fall off. That… is actually bad. You should worry about that a lot. Just sign here in What Are You Playing and you’re all set, but you also have to tell us if you’re a cop.

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WRUP: This ham is your ham edition

Hello, reader. Hello, and good morning. Or should I say… good ham? That sounded clever before I typed it out. Look, the point is that I have your ham. This ham right here is yours, and if you ever want to see it again, you… well, you’ll look at the header, but if you ever want to have your ham back, you’re going to do exactly what I say.

First, go to the nearest Cumberland Farms. Assuming it’s near you, anyway, I don’t want you to be driving like fifteen miles out of your way. I guess you could just go to a regular grocery store, but… wait, they probably have ham. Depending on where you live. If you live in Israel, there’s probably no ham in the grocery stores, right? That would be weird. Or is it weird for thinking that? If you live in Israel, let me know about the ham situation.

You know what, forget it. Just go get another ham and leave your comments on this week’s What Are You Playing. I’ll give your ham a viking funeral. It’s what you would have wanted if you didn’t mind me stealing your ham.

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