WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: Anyone could have caught fire edition

Last but not least, I want to close out this meeting by addressing the elephant in the room. Yes, I am your boss, and I am currently on fire. This is not negligence. I realize that this is having an impact on the team and our work environment, but I don’t want you all to let this impact your performance, and I definitely don’t want to hear about people going over my head to report this to corporate. Anyone could have caught fire in this situation. It happened to be me, and that’s a mark of leadership, not irresponsibility.

Yes, some people might say that no one else would have the office take part in Wear A Suit Of Matchsticks To Work day, and you might also point out that I was the one who decided that it would be a fun time for a corporate fire-starting lesson. But what’s done is done, and the important thing is to move on and – I must stress this again – not report me to corporate. Also, leave your plans in this week’s installment of What Are You Playing. Meeting adjourned. Please bring me some water.

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WRUP: New euphemisms for eating edition

Stashing the carbs. Scarfing down the pre-byproducts. Making the mashy-mash with my bitey-bits. The great British chew-off. Food breathing. Taking an eat-load in the face port. Cramming ingredients together, extreme mode. The cook’s conclusion. Poop loading. Super happy chew-chew excitement delight experiment (only recommended for Japanese cuisine). Gobbleworking the lip bones (only recommended for Australian cuisine). Chewing on expired meat (only recommended for expired meat).

Chewy drinking. Bread gargling. Fueling this disgusting meat-prison of a body with stolen calories that are themselves drunk on the power of the almighty day-star until the moment that our black emperor’s cloak of night robs these feeble lives once more. The whole-mouth workout with added tongue exercises. Cheek largening surgery. What Are You Playing. Sneating (snake eating).

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WRUP: We want bones edition

Hello and thank you for calling the Bone Collectors, Thomas and Edward Bone. We want bones. To be absolutely clear, our last name is Bone, and we also want bones. If you have bones, we will buy them. We will buy bones you have lying around. We will buy bones that are in your body or the bodies of your pets. Unless you have a pet shark. Sharks do not have bones. Please do not try to sell us shark bones.

Do not ask us what we will do with the bones. Do not ask us why we drive the Bone Wagon through town playing our cheerful tune about putting your bones inside of the bone wagon. Just sell us your bones. No one will pay more money for bones. Leave your bones for sale in this week’s edition of What Are You Playing to make sure we know the bones are out there. Bones: We want them. We want bones.

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WRUP: Here are all of the neighborhood kids’ houses rated edition

So, like, Kyle’s house has the really big TV and the Xbox, but Kyle’s older brother plays on it a lot and Kyle mostly wants to just play kicking games when he can’t play on the Xbox. Mike’s house has a big yard but his dog poops everywhere and he says his mom doesn’t care at all. Timmy has a really great pool, but he has a really small yard and his dad yells at anyone who runs in the house, so you get kinda bored unless he lets us play on our laptops.

Olivia has a lot of really cool toys but she also has a lot of weird ones and she doesn’t like people touching them too much. Melanie’s mom is super cool and lets you watch R-rated movies without even checking, but she never has any good snacks, just lots of granola bars. Neil’s house is back in the woods and he always wants to let us know what he’s doing in What Are You Playing. Jackie has two lizards and sometimes she lets you hold them.

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WRUP: Welcome to Boring Monsters Online edition

Thank you for signing up to play Boring Monsters Online, where we have diligently made sure that all of our monsters seem like they could come directly off of someone’s high school notebook. Our pledge to our players is that we will never present you with a new sort of monster that might be even slightly unfamiliar, just as we will assume you have lived in a hole and have no idea about what any sort of fantasy monsters look like. Does the idea of differently colored dragons with all sorts of elemental breath weapons make you faint with excitement? Then you’ll love this.

We’ve got minotaurs, griffons, chimera, even those weirder ones like beholders. And they’re all exactly like they’ve been in every other fantasy game ever, and we’re still going to act like no one has ever had the idea to put a minotaur in a video game before. Enjoy hearing us wax poetic about how special stock-standard cow-people are. Let us know how creative we are in the comments to this week’s What Are You Playing, while we’re at it.

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WRUP: Horrible movies edition

The hush calls over the movie theater, but even before then, you all have that feeling. It hangs in the air like the scent of ozone, a faint urgency to every whispered conversation. Then the screen lights up, the theater goes dark. The previews go through. And the screen is… text, that dreaded opening of any film which does not start with the words “Star Wars.” Things are exposited, then the movie cold-opens in a place you don’t know.

You clench your teeth. It’s happened. You’re watching a horrible movie.

You know now that the rest of the run time will be filled with aborted arcs, unclear plots, idiotic decisions, and no characters whom you can identify with. At this point, your question becomes enjoying the rest of your popcorn or cutting your losses and just bringing the popcorn home, at which point it gets weird. Let us know what you’re playing in this week’s What Are You Playing, or just let us know about horrible movies you’ve seen or will see soon. We are all trapped together.

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WRUP: A lesson is learned but I can’t figure out what it is edition

I… huh. Well, all right, let’s start at the beginning. Yes, our line of medication is completely ruined. It was always meant to be a learning experience, and so I’m certain there are important lessons to be learned here. I am, however, entirely unclear on what any of those lessons are supposed to be.

The obvious ones are out. I mean, people don’t like bone pain? We knew that when we were making this drug, but we left it in for some reason. Marketing it to people by just sending it in the mail? Obviously not going to work! We knew that at the time. But our advertising blitz was solid, except I’m still not clear on why we had an advertising blitz. I don’t know exactly what we wanted to accomplish.

Did we want to accomplish something? Maybe the lesson here is “write down what you’re trying to do so you can ascertain what lesson you’re learning.” Muse on that down in this week’s installment of What Are You Playing, I have to stare at one of our pill bottles and wonder what went wrong. Or what things going right would have looked like, too.

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WRUP: Fine ways to waste your life edition

Acquire the world’s largest collection of unopened expired mayonnaise jars. Start a band with the goal of having the world’s best cover of 4’33”. Develop an extensive database and software designed to allow people to see which state comptrollers through history would win in a boating contest. Run for president of your bedroom by campaigning around the neighborhood. Use a dedicated scientific experiment to determine exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Devote your life to finding an insult that upsets owls.

Sent letters to celebrities using cut-out magazine letters indicating that you hope they are all having great days. Translate “Baby Got Back” into Aramaic. Find out which Whole Foods in the nation will let you stand in the produce department while yelling out the names of Transformers for the longest period of time before you are thrown out. Write nonsensical introductions to What Are You Playing. Learn how to install and have passionate opinions about various versions of Linux.

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WRUP: The interactive Massively Overpowered museum edition

Here at Massively Overpowered, we’re always pushing the boundaries of ways we can expand the understanding of the public while brushing up against the absolute boundaries of what is actually legal. That’s why we’re happy to announce the new interactive Massively Overpowered museum, where not only do you get to interact with the exhibits, but we encourage you to. We don’t give you a choice.

To start the experience, we throw mildly expired meat at you as soon as you’ve paid the $20 entry fee. Then we open the trap doors and fling you into the roaming cat exhibit, where several wild cats of varying degrees of ferocity will come after you. Once you’ve experienced the depths of our cat exhibit, we then open the door to the Live Current Sparking Through Open Wires exhibit.

Some people might say that we’re trying to simply defer the costs of a disastrous attempt at establishing a poorly constructed grocery store in a region infested with wild cats by pretending that it’s a museum. To that, we say that it’s What Are You Playing time and you should let us know when to expect you at the museum.

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WRUP: Come to Big Ron’s, just follow the bones edition

Hey there, folks, it’s your favorite neighborhood everything salesman, Big Ron! Are you looking for great deals on appliances, automobiles, and furniture? Then come on down to Big Ron’s Deal Center! Just follow the bones!

Yes, the bones! We don’t know why they’re there and we don’t know what they come from, but if you keep on the trail of bleached ribcages with too many rips and femurs that disturbingly human, you’ll wind up at Big Ron’s! This week, we’ve got a great deal on a 2010 Corolla you have to see to believe, Maytag fridges starting at just $500, and an ominous black shape hovering at the edge of the property with glowing red eyes that seem to split and recombine! It’s probably harmless!

That’s Big Ron’s Deal Center, located off of route 423 and easily found by following the unidentifiable string of animal remains that litter the roadways, thicker and thicker until you get here! And if you’re the one putting all of the bones on our route, please let us know down in What Are You Playing. We’re going to call the cops. Otherwise, just tell us your weekend plans.

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WRUP: Items observed in this week’s recycling edition

A 1985 edition of a travel guide to Sweden. Seven broken glass bottles with the words “Sammy sux” written on them in permanent marker. A sealed box which was marked as “Don’s Crap.” Don, sleeping off a bender. Seventeen cans of Mountain Dew Green Label, which would be unremarkable except for the fact that none of them were opened. Half a bed. Half a phone book. All of a half-sized stepladder.

Four ant farms filled with glitter. A completed film manuscript entitled “Star Wars VII: The Force Blows Up Kylo Ren.” Far too many Tabula Rasa collector’s editions to count. Don again, sleeping off another bender. Don’s parole officer, looking for Don. This week’s installment of What Are You Playing. An entire cake with a fist indentation in it. Prom photos. Three bags of human hair. And, of course, raccoons.

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WRUP: This is the train to your backyard edition

This is the through train to your backyard, making stops at your neighbor’s backyard, the creepy alley behind the convenience store, the old field where you think someone got murdered, and the doctor’s office. The next stop will be at that Mexican place you call Los Tacos for some reason. Please stand clear of the closing doors.

Oh, God. What have you done? You didn’t stand clear of the closing doors. You’re being dragged along beside the train now. That looks painful and entirely pointless. We told you to stand clear of the closing doors. Run fast, hopefully you can catch up.

Unfortunately, doors open at the other side at that Mexican place you call Los Tacos for some reason. Please allow people to exit the train before getting on, and please leave your weekend pans in the comments for this week’s installment of What Are You Playing. This is the through train to your backyard…

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