Perfect Ten: Apologies I must make to my fellow Overwatch players

    
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Sometimes health is fleeting.

Fellow players of Overwatch, I am sorry. I don’t know your names because I tried very hard to forget them, but I am still very sorry about the matches that you had with me when I was first learning how to play the game. But I feel that it’s important to understand my position.

See, everyone knows that in order to get good at something, you have to start out being bad at something. That’s normal. I feel no shame about the fact that I started out not being very good at Overwatch. My theory – really, my hope – was that if I concentrated all of my bad play into a contained space like the first few matches, I could become super great quickly. And I think it worked, I like to think I’m getting pretty good with D. Va now. There’s something wonderful about a cheery Korean teenager blowing Reaper out of the sky that just feels right.

Still, I figure it’s only fair to apologize for… well, those first few matches.

1. I am sorry for the ice puns

My love of puns is well-documented, and I freely admit that I may have gone overboard. No one really wanted to see me type “ICE to meet you!” the first time, and the next seven times didn’t make things better. “Time to CHILL!” was pretty good, under the circumstances, but “There’s SNOW business like show business!” was not a good pun for the Hollywood map, and “COLD enough for you?!” was just plain dumb.

More to the point, I’m especially sorry for the ice puns because they would have made a lot more sense if I were playing a hero with any sort of ice-based abilities. Like Mei. That would have been a good decision.

Not ice-related.

2. I am sorry for not knowing how to play Zarya

While I very much enjoy Zarya’s character design, I can admit that I do not know how to play her effectively. I am sorry that everyone else had to endure my learning how to play her. I am also sorry that I tried to learn how to play her by attempting to roleplay her, resulting in my chasing after Tracer whilst spamming the melee button in an attempt to “hug” the other player.

My attempts to ameliorate this later with a friend request was, in hindsight, an ill-advised course of action. I recognize this now and would choose a different option now. Spamming chat with “ZARYA DESIRES HUGS” did not make the incident any better, either.

3. I am sorry I did not know voice chat was on

Really, I don’t know how to explain this one. I didn’t know voice chat was on, I didn’t mean to have the microphone on, and I certainly wouldn’t have read off long-form Harry Potter erotica to myself if I had known I had an audience. I do appreciate the friend requests as a result of it, but I have declined them, as I feel they were offered on an incorrect premise.

4. I am sorry for not knowing how to play Bastion

Part of this is the roleplaying thing again, and I have subsequently learned that Bastion does not have to chase after anything that might be a bird whilst shouting, “BIRD DETECTED, ENTERING BIRD MODE.” But another part of it is simply a misunderstanding.

I knew, for example, that Bastion could make good use of the slow-moving payload. So I assumed that hopping on top of the payload, converting to turret mode, and then shooting everything would be a simple yet straightforward way to improve my performance in the game. I don’t feel that I was entirely wrong in that evaluation.

What was wrong was when I did not actually jump on the payload but instead jumped on what I thought was the payload, weighed down my mouse button, and then got up to go fix a sandwich. I am confident that if someone had actually walked in front of the wall which I was shooting relentlessly, I would have done a great deal of damage.

I mean, really, this was mine to lose.

5. I am sorry for the payload incident

I was very familiar with how D. Va’s ultimate worked, in theory, ahead of time. She sets her mech to self-destruct and then hops out, planting a big bomb that everyone should then run away from because it will hurt everyone in range. In hindsight, I did not know that I had to start the mech flying before I leaped out, nor did I realize that planting my mech on top of the payload, hopping out, and then running away while the enemy was in front of the payload would successfully kill my entire team while leaving the enemy team entirely unscathed. I have since learned my lesson.

6. I am sorry for the four subsequent payload incidents

Admittedly, it took me a little while to learn my lesson.

7. I am sorry for not knowing how to play Mercy

This one’s really just on me. I really do not know how I couldn’t master the art of swapping between two weapons, especially when I know that they both do different things. It’s even more confusing that when I figured it out, I kept trying to shoot my enemies with the healing staff and heal people with the gun. And it’s really unclear to me why I then felt the need to physically block people from picking up health items around the arena.

8. I am sorry for the other payload incident

Demanding that the payload be renamed “Fart-Dangle Carriage Mark Six” was probably not a good idea. It was not something I should have fought people over. I definitely should not have had Road Hog then hide in a corner eating, with several explanations in chat about how you made him sad and this is how I handle being sad.

And let’s just be real here, that would have sounded bad even if my voice had not been audibly muffled by piles of chips I was stuffing into my face between sobs.

Look, I like kettle chips.

9. I am sorry about that play of the game

When I selected my hero and started playing that time, I was just plain on. There’s no other word for it. I was ready to get stompy with my bumblebee mech on D. Va, and the fact of the matter is that I delivered. That play of the game was pretty cool, too. Everyone else had left me alone, three people against me, the payload at my back. I was proud of deploying my shield at just the right moment, rushing in, shooting down Zenyatta, bailing out of my mech at the last moment as enemy reinforcements rushed in, then popping off a quick two shots to a Lucio to take him down with my handgun before I resummoned my mech and jumped on top of the payload.

Why am I sorry about that? Because all of you jerks weren’t fighting on the payload. So none of you even saw it at the time. You didn’t even commend me!

10. Actually, I’m not sorry about the payload incident

I mean, the fifth time was just funny.

Everyone likes a good list, and we are no different! Perfect Ten takes an MMO topic and divvies it up into 10 delicious, entertaining, and often informative segments for your snacking pleasure. Got a good idea for a list? Email us at justin@massivelyop.com or eliot@massivelyop.com with the subject line “Perfect Ten.”