WRUP: Excerpt from my autobiography, ‘The Sushi Bar Will Never Open,’ available everywhere books aren’t sold on February 30 edition


Chapter 3: “But I Never Asked About The Walrus”

At this point, my options were basically limited to either buying my way into college, buying my way into the military, or covering myself in mayonnaise and establishing a kingdom within my kitchen in which I would be hailed as Lord Imperator by my cats. Naturally, I chose to sell the mayonnaise to pay for college.

Chapter 6: “Please Help Me, I’m Trapped In A Book Binding Factory”

So I told the Queen that she could get the hell out if she didn’t like my flatulence.

Chapter 11: “Bankrupt Creatively And Also Other Ways”

Apparently very few lawyers will take on your case based on an obscure New Mexico law regarding nasal hot peppers, especially if your actual defense would put you on the wrong side of that law and you’re not even in New Mexico in the first place.

Chapter 14.5: “An Aside: Why Hot Peppers Are In My Nose”

What are you, my lawyer?

Chapter 18: “Helping With Charity So This Story Has A Feel-Good Ending”

A bird? A bird. A bird. A bird. A bird. A bird. A bird. A bird! A bird! A bird? A bird.

Chapter 28: “And Now You Know The Rest Of The Story In A Way That Is Legally Distinct From Any Radio Programs”

In conclusion, it was the worst What Are You Playing I ever wrote. And believe me, kiddo, that’s saying something given my track record.

Bonus question: What’s the earliest video game you remember beating? Not necessarily the first game you beat, but the first one you remember?

Andrew Ross (@dengarsw): Pokemon Go is happening, especially on Sunday. I already got my wings for the big game, so I’ll reheat those while catching rose pokemon and maybe vaguely watching the game between walking outings. I didn’t decorate my Animal Crossing island for any of the recent holidays/events, but I do feel like I should really change up my house, so that may happen Saturday.

Bonus question: The first game I actually remember beating was Mega Man 7. The problem was that I was racing to the end because we had to return the game to Wherehouse video rental. And I won… except our TV was old and the image would often scramble, which it did, for the entire end sequence. I was mad the whole drive over to return it. I didn’t get to actually see that ending until I saw it online in my 20s. The first game-ending I remember is The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (partially because after the MM7 situation, I’d dusted off my Game Boy so I could finish a game I felt I was finally old enough to handle and wouldn’t worry about the screen failing me).

Ben Griggs (@braxwolf): I’m in the home stretch of the Hizen dockyard event in World of Warships. Only two build stages left! Besides that, I’ll either run some Elite: Dangerous missions or tempt nature in Jurassic World: Evolution.

The first game I ever beat was the Atari version of Star Wars: The Arcade Game by playing so long that I flipped the score back to all zeroes. That’s how you used to beat games.

Brianna Royce (@nbrianna, blog): Same as last weekend for me: I’ve got a major painting project on deck, but otherwise I’ll be dipping into Star Wars Galaxies Legends, maybe City of Heroes, maybe The Elder Scrolls Online. And I keep getting urges to play Lord of the Rings Online I’m having to fight off.

I remember my brother and I staying up all night trying to beat Raiders of the Lost Ark, but I’m not entirely sure we did it? So it’d probably be Master of Orion.

Chris Neal (@wolfyseyes, blog): The gaming rig that I got my husband for Christmas finally arrived (thanks, COVID-related parts shipping delays) so there will be even more Elite: Dangerous in my future as my husband, my best friend, and myself begin the shenaniganry of Porg Squadron proper. I also do want to hop into Dauntless’ new Escalation for myself, and will probably tool around in Final Fantasy XIV to get my freshly capped Blue Mage some new spells. Especially since unlocking new content for the Job demands that I beat an encounter in the Masked Carnivale.

The first game I ever beat is an Atari title I cannot remember the name of. It involved you steering a guy on a skateboard through the various levels of an immense house with the objective of turning off all of the electronics and appliances in it. That sounds routine, but it was genuinely labyrinthine, and every time you zipped by an item it would turn off or on so there was a bit of strategy involved. I felt so accomplished when I finally beat it, especially since games of that age rarely had a win condition so much as they ramped up AI difficulty to the point where humans were incapable of success. That game will always stand out for me and I’ll never forget it. Except its name.

Eliot Lefebvre (@Eliot_Lefebvre, blog): I expect to be very hype about FFXIV this weekend, and maybe I’ll fit in some World of Warcraft just to cool the hype train down a bit. It’s running hot, you see.

First game I ever remember beating was definitely Dragon Warrior, because I actually beat it twice the same day. There’s a choice you get right at the end to either team up with the big bad or fight him, and I picked joining him at first, which gives you an obvious bad ending… at which point I was so upset that I was given a chance despite the rules about playing on the Nintendo to go ahead and replay from my last save point and beat him legitimately. I was very proud of myself.

Justin Olivetti (@Sypster, blog): I’ve been having a blast starting anew in The Elder Scrolls Online with a Warden, and I plan to do the main story questline before anything else. I’ve also picked back up my Minstrel on the LOTRO progression server to make some headway through Gondor.

Sam Kash (@thesamkash): Chances are I’ll be playing a bit of Rocket League. I was bored a few days ago and logged back in and immediately remembered how much fun it is to play. I’ve also been knocking out my Lunar New Year dailies in Guild Wars 2. I just can’t help but play through those.

First game I have vague memories of beating was the original Final Fantasy on NES. I think my mom played through most of it with me too!

Pierre, patron: I’m still playing Persona 5 and loving it. I’m thinking about playing a MMO again, but which one? TESO? Final Fantasy XI? FFXIV? Black Desert? So many games, so little time; story of my life.

Bonus question: First game I beat is The Longest Journey, a fabulous adventure game from Funcom’s period of Ragnar Tornquist. And I didn’t use any online help or walkthrough to beat it; I was really proud of myself. And you MOP readers? WRUP this week?

Every Saturday, join the Massively OP community and staff for What Are You Playing, our roundup of what MMORPGs and other games we’re hoping to play this weekend (with a bonus question or two for our amusement). Tell us what you’re up to! Go off-topic! And don’t forget to have fun!

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