WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: How to speak to a cat edition

When the cat is doing nothing: [Cat’s name], hello! Hello, [cat’s name]!

When the cat needs to be fed: [Cat’s name], nummers! Nummy-nums! Kitty, num-nums, here kitty.

When the cat is sitting curled up and looks cute: Sir.

When the cat does not respond to being called sir: Excuse me, sir.

When the cat is being particularly ridiculous: Sir!

When the cat is walking on you: Sir, really? Really, sir? Is this necessary, sir? Do you [pause briefly to allow cat to step on your chest] require assistance, sir? Your call is very important to us, sir. What do you need, sir? Sir? Sir?

When it is time to write in this week’s What Are You Playing but the cat is preventing you from reaching the keyboard: Really, sir? Sir?

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WRUP: Advertising products we will not sell you edition

Friends, this week’s What Are You Playing must highlight the most baffling marketing move I’ve ever seen. PAX East has often featured some baffling decisions, but this year I have to give the gold cup of What In The Hell Happened to Cygames and their huge booth, which half-features Granblue Fantasy. (The other half is taken up by their mobile card game Shadowverse.)

“Well, why is that weird?” Because, dear reader, you cannot download the game. Not “it hasn’t been released yet,” the game was released back in 2014. But it still doesn’t have an official local release, despite having been localized fully for ages and completely playable right now. You have to go through an insane rigamarole to get the game onto your mobile devices, which means that half of this booth is advertising a game you are not actually being sold.

I suppose maybe it’ll inspire some people to go through that rigamarole? It’s a fun game and fully translated and all. But it’s just… baffling. Leave your weekend plans down in the comments, I’ll be boggling over here.

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WRUP: What to do if you want to attract a lot of ghosts to your house for some reason edition

So you want to attract a whole lot of ghosts to your house for some reason. Well, far be it from us to stop you! Here are some important tips to consider for this goal.

  • Make sure you live in a reality where ghosts are real. This one probably isn’t one, based on lots of evidence, but if you’re really gung-ho about it don’t let that stop you.
  • Location is important. If your house is located on an ancient burial ground, so much the better. If your house is located on an ancient burial ground which was itself located on a burial ground, great. If not, just go dig up some burial grounds and dump them in your front yard, that should anger up the spirits just fine.
  • Provide a welcoming atmosphere. A bright, airy, well-lit living space is great for human beings, but it’s like living in a tin room full of dog farts for ghosts. Make sure the place is dank, full of mildew, and covered in cobwebs.
  • Offer all the accoutrements of home. Considerate haunted homeowners make sure to provide lots of chains to rattle, old paintings to possess, and suits of armor to pose in hallways. If these things are beyond your humble means, use plastic chains and pose discount action figures in the hallway.
  • Write down why you thought this was a good idea. It’s a really awful idea, and writing down why it seemed like a good idea will help you when you are later asking why you thought otherwise.

We hope all of these things help you with your goal. Let us know how things are going in the comments of What Are You Playing. Or let us know about your gaming plans, that works too.

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WRUP: Viva owls edition

¡Búhos vivos! Sí, señoras y señores, como transcrito por este idiota estadounidense que no habla una palabra de español en Google Translate, ¡tenemos búhos en vivo! ¡Búhos de todos los colores del arcoiris! “Pero señor”, dices, “los búhos no vienen en muchos colores”. ¡Lo hacen ahora! ¡Pintamos una gran cantidad de búhos! ¿Sabes lo que piensan sobre eso? ¡No les gusta para nada! Están muy enojados!

¿Qué es eso que dices? ¿No deseas ser atacado por búhos enojados? Eso es muy malo. Todavía tenemos todo el dinero que pagó para ver a los búhos, y suponemos que solo sonreirá y asentirá porque usted tampoco habla una palabra de español. Si desea un reembolso, no recibirá uno, pero puede dejar un comentario en What Are You Playing de esta semana.

¡Larga vida a los búhos!

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WRUP: Spot the real names of actual Transformers edition!

As many of you may know, I am a fan of Transformers, which is frequently ridiculous. This is as evident in the names as it is anywhere else. Thus, I encourage everyone to guess which of the following Transformer names are actual names used by characters and which ones are completely made up. No, you don’t get to know how many are real. And here we go:

Slayride, Windbreaker, Guiltar, Wingwaver, Blue Bacchus, Randy, Sling, Darkwing, Gutcruncher, Blowpipe, Zap, Slapper, Daytonus, Oil Slick, Deep Cover, Autostinger, Carzap, Hydradread, Landshark.

So, which ones are real? Please leave your guesses down in the comments below. Also, since this is What Are You Playing, you should probably let us know what you’re playing in the comments, too. That is ostensibly the point.

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WRUP: This just in, we’re lost on the way to the news edition

Thank you, Tom, I’m out here in the field and I do not know what I’m supposed to be covering out here. We are extremely lost right now, Tom. You should have given us better information about an address, because let me tell you something, if this is where we’re supposed to be, there’s nothing happening, Tom. Either you’re trolling us or you just wanted us lost out here.

Is that how it is, Tom? Did you send us out here to be cold and confused and cover a non-news story while you could make the boss think you’re the right guy for that new anchor spot? Listen, Tom, I swear I will drive back to the station so fast that it will break land speed records. I will smack the smile off your face if you try to take this from me, don’t test me. That’s all from here, now to What Are You Playing with the weekend plans and potentially the weather.

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WRUP: Space Pilot and the Spacing Spaceteers in Space edition

Space Pilot: The leader of the group, Space Pilot pilots his space pilot ship in space. Where he pilots. He wears a hat.

Space Ace: The senior Spaceteer, Space Ace lied on his resume because he’s not legally allowed to work in most of California due to a shoplifting conviction from when he was eight years old. The judge had it out for him due to his family history and the fact that he kept talking about obscene acts with goats.

Space Lady: Actually a dude named Kyle, but this way he gets two paychecks.

Space Puncher: She punches things with space punchers in space, usually jumping from Space Pilot’s space pilot ship.

Space Claims Adjuster: Also Kyle. Freaking Kyle.

Space What Are You Playing: Not a thing. That’s this column. Let us know what you’re doing in the comments.

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WRUP: How to perform simple tasks edition

Lesson 1: Chewing
First, insert the object to be chewed into your mouth. Make sure that it is small enough to fit inside of your mouth. Then, close your jaws around… wait, no, that’s a rock. That is a rock. Take that out of your mouth, it’s going to – and, yes, you’ve chipped your teeth. All right. Let’s step back.

Lesson 0: Identifying things
All right. That hard oblong gray object? That is a rock. It helps if you learn what various things are before interacting with them. Rocks aren’t food. You want food. Food is what you want to eat. You put food in your mouth and chew that, and…

Why are you picking up the rock again? We just talked about this!

Lesson -1: Remembering things
When something happens, you can remember it. It means that… it means… look, I can’t explain remembering things to you, all right?! This is a basic part of how the human brain functions! If I explain it to you but you don’t know how to do it you won’t remember it anyway!

Lesson 2: Leaving a comment in What Are You Playing
Oh, forget it. I’m in too bad a mood now.

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WRUP: The definitive tier list for the old men hanging out at the corner deli edition

Garbage Tier: Jim-Bob
None of Jim-Bob’s rants go anywhere, his grandchild pictures are severely lacking, his accent is grating, and worst of all is that all he ever orders is black coffee and a pickle. Completely worthless in any competitive match.

Bottom Tier: Moishe, Andy, Piotr
Moishe is basically Hiram with slower speech and an ugly walker with halved tennis balls, while Andy and Piotr both have fun stories but only a handful of them. In addition, Piotr’s mid-range control options are weak enough that he does poorly in several matchups.

Mid-Tier: George, Jimmy, Junior, Hiram, Joey
People have argued that George and Junior should really be down at bottom tier, because when they get a bad matchup against, say, Carl or “Boats,” they really have a hard time holding up. But they can all hold their own, and George especially is so dominant against Piotr that it feels wrong putting him in the same tier. Plus, all of them always have candy.

Top Tier: Petey, Carl, “Boats,” Lou
No one would argue with Lou or “Boats” being here. Lou has so many great stories about being in public works for 47 years that he almost gets up to perfect tier, and Carl and “Boats” have a few dominant matchups and no really bad ones. Also, Petey and Carl both have those really nice walkers.

Perfect Tier: Malone, Gus
Not only are these two the undisputed kings of the deli, they even show up for comments in What Are You Playing. What a pair of guys, am I right?
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WRUP: What your favorite type of soda says about you edition

Cola: Who knows or cares.

Sprite/Sierra Mist/7-UP: You want to have soda, but when someone gives you a cola of some sort you’re all like, “whoah, not that much soda.” So then things are sort of all right.

Ginger Ale: You’d probably have fewer stomachaches if you’d stop eating all of that aquarium gravel, but it tastes like stingy candy.

Fruit soda: Stupid juice not bubbling on your tongue. You need to feel alive. Come on, bubble on my tongue, you orange-flavored mess that has probably never even been in the same room as an orange.

Grapefruit soda: Your name is Phillip D’Antonio and today is your first day of fourth grade.

Any of the above, but you call it pop: It’s called soda. Jeez.

Whale soda: Mm, you can really taste the baleen.

Flavored seltzer: Why are you this way? Why do you do this. You come into my home, my home full of soda, and you ask me for this flavorless water with bubbles that tastes like nothing. How can you do this to me? How do you live? Get out! I have no son!

WRUP soda: This isn’t a soda. It’s What Are You Playing. Let us know what you’re playing down in the comments, and stuff.

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WRUP: The moment never comes edition

Congratulations, champion. You’ve won. Now leave.

What’s that? Of course you don’t want to leave. You’re waiting for the moment to come. You’re waiting to feel as if it meant something. You want that confrontation, the point when everything comes together and you can feel as if you’ve learned something important, that there was a lesson to be found and you found it. Here’s your lesson, then: that doesn’t happen. It’s not going to happen.

Being right doesn’t make you feel better. Being successful doesn’t make you feel complete. Accomplishing something difficult only means that you accomplish that difficult task, not that everything else is going to make sense now. You won the battle, but the war you’re fighting is your own. And it continues, and it’s not going anywhere.

Let us know what you’re doing in the comments to this week’s What Are You Playing. The rest is just follow-through.

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Massively Overthinking: What are your criteria for recommending MMOs?

Last week, we got a well-intentioned email from a reader named Rick, who proposed a column in which readers tell us what they are looking for in an MMO and we offer up suggestions for just the right MMO. It’d be like Guild Chat, we imagine, only instead of dispensing guild advice, we’d be telling you folks what to play.

The email prompted some discussion among the MOP staff about whether that would be an effective column to write (or to read). We do answer some questions like that for the podcast from time to time, for example, but I seldom get the impression we’ve actually helped. Most times, the listener has already tried everything and is hoping for a game that simply doesn’t exist yet, so we’re destined to fail. And even then, it’s really difficult to recommend MMOs to people without really knowing their full history with every studio and game. Some of us can’t even find an MMO we want to play!

So we thought we’d open that discussion up for everyone. How do you go about recommending MMOs to other people? What are your criteria? When your sister says she’s done with WoW, your co-worker requests input around the watercooler one day, or Some Dude On Reddit asks for pointers – where do you start?

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WRUP: Introducing the Quintorail edition

Let me ask you something, folks. How often have you tried to take a train in this country only to find that it was running on a single rail? “Almost never,” you say. That’s right! Not because the United States has horrible rail transit and has generally neglected that form of mass movement in favor of a destructive highway system, but because more rails are better! Monorails literally hate you and want you to suffer. So we’ve designed the ultimate American rail car, the Quintorail!

It just makes sense, right? More of something is better, isn’t it? And the Quintorail has five, count ’em, five rails, taking up more than twice the resources for no additional speed or stability! It can also be derailed by a penny on the tracks. Or near the tracks. Or shouting the word “penny” loudly from the street. Or the driver having pennies in the cab. Let us know what you’re up to in this week’s installment of What Are You Playing before riding on the fantastic Quintorail! Right now it only services one stop, which is sitting and rusting in my backyard, but it’ll turn around soon.

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