WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: Introducing the Quintorail edition

Let me ask you something, folks. How often have you tried to take a train in this country only to find that it was running on a single rail? “Almost never,” you say. That’s right! Not because the United States has horrible rail transit and has generally neglected that form of mass movement in favor of a destructive highway system, but because more rails are better! Monorails literally hate you and want you to suffer. So we’ve designed the ultimate American rail car, the Quintorail!

It just makes sense, right? More of something is better, isn’t it? And the Quintorail has five, count ’em, five rails, taking up more than twice the resources for no additional speed or stability! It can also be derailed by a penny on the tracks. Or near the tracks. Or shouting the word “penny” loudly from the street. Or the driver having pennies in the cab. Let us know what you’re up to in this week’s installment of What Are You Playing before riding on the fantastic Quintorail! Right now it only services one stop, which is sitting and rusting in my backyard, but it’ll turn around soon.

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WRUP: This sentence is about horses edition

This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses horses horses. This horse is about sentences. This sentence is about horses. Horse sentence horse horse horses. Sentence horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This horse is about sentences. This sentence is about sentient horses. Bones. This sentence is about horses.

This sentence, sentence, sentence, sentence, horse horse horse horse horse. Horse sentence. Sentence horse. This sentence is about horses. Gamblebox. This sentence is about horses. I want to cry and never stop. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about horses. This sentence is about bees. What are you playing. This sentence is about horses.

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WRUP: It’s time to figure out if we’re wanted by the police and why edition

All right, everyone, settle down, you’re probably wondering why I called this meeting. Let me get right down to it: Last weekend was a lot of fun, but since then, there are some disturbing indications that we may all be wanted by the police for a variety of crimes. I don’t want to point fingers, but I think it’s time to figure out if we’re wanted by the police, and if so, why.

Like, seriously, I woke up with a lot of blood on my sheets. But that could actually mean lots of things. And I didn’t write myself a note about what I did, but Liam remembered to. It’s just that Liam’s note reads “make seven bob right proper quick in Londonderrydo” and Liam is, I must remind you, from Wisconsin. He doesn’t even know how much money seven bob is. I don’t know how much money that is. Is it even money?

Oh, those are sirens outside. Look, we’ve got to sort this out quickly before the police arrive, if for no other reason than it would be helpful to know whether we should confess, pay a fine, or book it. Let us know what you’re doing this weekend down in What Are You Playing, maybe we can work backwards from that.

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WRUP: Introducing our cast of characters for 2018 edition

As always, a new year means a new cast of characters, because I hate resolving plotlines and we’re not going to be having a bunch of uppity actors hold this feature hostage like The Simpsons. If you want closure, assume everyone died except that guy you liked. Now, let’s meet our new cast for 2018:

  • Happy Walkin’ Steven Steven, a convicted drug dealer who is currently coaching seven different children’s sports teams to learn the true meaning of friendship, Christmas, teamwork, and IRS form 1040-A.
  • Camilla the Snail, who is a snail.
  • Jacktron, defender of Earth, the heroic robot who repeatedly insists to people that it is a CPA named “Jacktron, defender of Earth,” not an actual defender of Earth in any way. That is not a title.
  • Sandstorm Jones, your father. Or mother. Whichever.
  • Catfood Collectin’ Steven Steven, who is played by a meth addict prone to reckless driving and will be quietly retired after he tries to make an entire episode about how you should eat squirrels right off of the trees. (He calls them “squeaklemons.”)
  • Wolverine But Not The Marvel Comics Wolverine, A Totally Original Character Who We Made Up. This one speaks for itself.
  • And last but not least, Obnoxious Catchphrasia, the objectively worst character and therefore the comedic sociopath everyone will idolize.

So, let’s enjoy this band of whatevers on their adventures until we kill them off next year! Until then, feel free to let us know which character’s merchandise you would like to purchase in the comments of What Are You Playing. Or let us know what you’re playing this weekend. Honestly, whichever.

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WRUP: Thanks a bunch edition

So it’s the end of the year, and rather than the usual nonsensical stream of consciousness that I usually put here, I wanted to say thank you to the people who show up to this feature every week to read, comment, and validate the weird garbage that I put ahead of the actual content-and-comments. Because the fact of the matter is that it’s one of my favorite things to do, as ridiculous as that might sound; it’s a chance to write something weird that amuses me with no concern for anything beyond “make it strange enough to be compelling but familiar enough to feel accessible.”

I look forward to writing What Are You Playing every week, whether it’s rambling about food terminology or zone nicknames or recycling. And based on the comments, you guys seem to enjoy it or at least don’t mind it enough to stop commenting. So thanks a bunch, because it makes me smile. See you next year with bits about the creative process for this column, gargoyles made of dental floss, and… oh, let’s say Bob the Gormless Gorm-crafter.

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WRUP: Happy holidays, have some glass eyes edition

Happy holidays, everyone! Here is your gift. It is a carefully made box full of glass eyes. I am giving you a box filled with fake eyes. They are not real, but they are made to look real, and I expect you to enjoy this gift. I want you to tell me how happy you are to receive it. I want you to display this prominently in your home.

If you are single, this should be one of the things that prospective dates see when they enter your home. If you are married, this is something that you have to place out prominently whether your spouse likes it or not. It was exceedingly expensive! And you cannot return or exchange it, it was all hand-crafted.

So happy holidays! Have a box full of eyes. Let us know what you’re up to in the comments of What Are You Playing, and enjoy the totally helpful gift that’s sure to start all sorts of conversations.

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WRUP: Totally accurate stuff about The Last Jedi maybe probably edition

In the latest installment of space shooty-bits, we find out that the eponymous Last Jedi is actually a dude named Ralph because Luke Skywalker quit. (We see that scene in a flashback. He walks into Ralph’s office and tells him that he can take the job and then perform anatomically unlikely acts upon himself.) Ralph tries to hire Rey as another Jedi, but Rey fails the written portion because she cannot identify the parallels between two different Robert Frost poems in 500 words and she keeps misspelling Kashyyk.

Not the wookiee homeworld; that’s Kashyyyk. This is a different planet that’s spelled Kashyyk. Totally different thing.

Elsewhere, Kylo Ren asks Finn to teach him how to dance because otherwise Mean Mister Snoke is going to tear down the rec center if Kylo Ren doesn’t win the big county dance-off with a $2,000 prize. Finn responds by piloting the Evangelion into the rec center, proclaiming no one gets to have it. Then Captain Kirk and Boba Fett get married and fly off on a pegasus. It’s the feel-good something of some time period or another. Let us know what you’re up to down in the comments of this week’s What Are You Playing, and don’t actually drop spoilers there because that’s being a jerk.

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WRUP: Great personalities of the American something-or-other no. 341 edition

William “Basketball” Cragen was born in 1784 following his mother’s prolonged and particularly unusual bout with pneumonia, which produced three children and at least one stirring anthem. Considered a “disease child” by his father, he was originally planned to be sold at market when he reached seven years of age, as this was the style in Virginia at the time. However, he evaded this sale by hiding under a passing wagon and refusing to come out even when offered a bit of cheese. Thus, Virginia quickly elected him as the governor-in-exile of Cuba (which it was assumed would be a state any time now).

As governor-in-exile, “Basketball” chiefly ruled on whether or not his father was a “stupid Manne of Poore Judge-ment and odious Sockkes,” which his advisors agreed was a wise course of action due to the continued failure of Cuba to recognize this young man as their proper governor. After three decades in office, he decided to start the first Cuban Alligator Punching Farm, which opened and closed on August 14th, 1821 (this was chosen due to August legally ending the year in Cuba based on a binding resolution he had passed in a dream two years prior). Following his death, he was buried in the stomachs of several alligators. If you’d like to nominate another personality of the American something-or-other, leave a comment to that effect in What Are You Playing.

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WRUP: Your honor, I motion for lizards edition

Mr. Lefebvre: Your honor, the defense motions for lizards.
The Court: Counsel, could you repeat?
Mr. Lefebvre: Your honor, the defense motions for lizards. Your honor, the defense motions for lizards. Your honor, the defense motions for lizards.
The Court: Approach.

Mr. Lefebvre: Given the nature of lizards as long, cuddly scale babies, the defense feels that it is important to motion for lizards.
The Court: Does the prosecution have any objection?
Mr. Lefebvre wearing a false moustache and imitating a Russian accent: I am afraid of spaghetti.
The Court: Motion passes. Lizards

Lizards flood into the courtroom from all possible points of entry.

Mr. Lefebvre wearing a false moustache and imitating a Russian accent: The prosecution motions for What Are You Playing.
Mr. Lefebvre: Objection!
The Court: Overruled; please state your weekend plans in the comments.

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WRUP: I’m cold and this place smells like farts edition

Ugh. Why are we here? This is dumb. I’m cold and this place smells like farts. When can we leave? Why did we have to come here in the first place? You never tell me anything. I have to pee, throw up, and watch four episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia in exactly that order. Your voice is awful. Stop pushing me. Where is my coat? Who took my coat? Who is that guy over there?

I don’t want to shake that guy’s hand. I want to lie down. I’m going to lie down and kick the ankles of anyone who comes near me for a quarter of an hour. Never mind, I want to put my face in a cake. When can we go? I want that cake now. It still smells like farts in here. Is this What Are You Playing? How did you get that car? Why is there a glowing portal here? I need new socks and shoes.

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WRUP: Enjoy the smooth flavor of Mrs. Patter’s Bacon-Fried Cookies edition

Guys, we could not be more excited to start getting in on the branded content game, and we’re starting with endorsing Mrs. Patter’s Bacon-Fried Cookies! But we promise you, this won’t really affect our content, which is refreshing and fried in the grease of simmering hog fat just like Mrs. Patter’s delicious cookies! Available in all sorts of wonderful flavors, like Strawberries & Bacon, Vanilla Custard & Bacon, Peanut Butter & Cheese, and of course, Blueberry & Broken Glass & Bacon That Doesn’t Taste Right!

We’ll still be bringing you all of the same great MMO content you’ve come to expect, it’ll just cover a wider spectrum. Like which flavor of Mrs. Patter’s cookies to enjoy with your favorite game, or why Mrs. Patter’s Meth & Bile cookies help you stay focused during intense play sessions, or which games have GMs most willing to call an ambulance because you are eating a kind of cookie the FDA has prohibited from sale in the United States. Let us know what you’re playing down in the comments of What Are You Playing, and the best response gets a free box of Mrs. Patter’s Bacon-Fried Cookies (Now With Less Asbestos, Probably)!

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WRUP: Helpful pointers about the inter-nets edition

Hello, one and all, and welcome to the inter-nets! The inter-nets, or as they are sometimes known the “world wide tubes,” are a fascinating place where you can meet people of many races, genders, religions, and sexual orientations while referring to them with deplorable slurs. Here are some useful tips about the inter-nets to make the most of your time here.

  • The inter-nets are a public place. Please be advised that other people can see what you are saying and respond to it. If you don’t want to discuss it, perhaps you should keep it to yourself.
  • The people you meet on the inter-nets are real people, with real feelings and wishes. Treat them the same way you would treat other people in the real world. Then, treat them better than that.
  • The inter-nets are the real world. If you are a nasty jerk to people on the inter-nets, that is who you are in the real world. If this is not the person you wish to be in the real world, do not act like it elsewhere.

We hope you enjoy your time within the inter-nets! As an associated diversion, please take part in this week’s installment of What Are You Playing, which can be found down below. Thank you, good night, and as always, keep surfing the computer waters!

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WRUP: Is this what I wanted edition

So, for a very long time, I was one of the people crying out for making some of the many racial variants in Azeroth playable. It just makes sense. Now, World of Warcraft has added them… or is going to add them. Some of them. Some of the ones I don’t even particularly want, and some of the ones I’ve wanted for a long while. (And at least one that I never thought I wanted.) They’ve got new class matrices, they have different customization, they have a whole lot of different traits.

Is this what I wanted? I don’t know. It’s not quite what I wanted. But it’s close enough to what I wanted, right? I think I’m getting what I want. This isn’t like Demon Hunters, which I never really wanted until they were right here. But it’s also a weird feeling where I’m pretty sure this is what I wanted, except not entirely sure. I don’t know. Muse about it in What Are You Playing comments, why not?

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