William “Basketball” Cragen was born in 1784 following his mother’s prolonged and particularly unusual bout with pneumonia, which produced three children and at least one stirring anthem. Considered a “disease child” by his father, he was originally planned to be sold at market when he reached seven years of age, as this was the style in Virginia at the time. However, he evaded this sale by hiding under a passing wagon and refusing to come out even when offered a bit of cheese. Thus, Virginia quickly elected him as the governor-in-exile of Cuba (which it was assumed would be a state any time now).
As governor-in-exile, “Basketball” chiefly ruled on whether or not his father was a “stupid Manne of Poore Judge-ment and odious Sockkes,” which his advisors agreed was a wise course of action due to the continued failure of Cuba to recognize this young man as their proper governor. After three decades in office, he decided to start the first Cuban Alligator Punching Farm, which opened and closed on August 14th, 1821 (this was chosen due to August legally ending the year in Cuba based on a binding resolution he had passed in a dream two years prior). Following his death, he was buried in the stomachs of several alligators. If you’d like to nominate another personality of the American something-or-other, leave a comment to that effect in What Are You Playing.