WRUP: Guess the person edition

Sometimes, our work chat is mature and productive and focuses on useful things. Sometimes I just use it to come up with creative burns. These are all things I typed on Friday and they’re funny. Names omitted, though! Guess the person.

He looks like someone stretched a human skin on an animatronic frog’s body from a children’s musical show. At six years old, his mother sent out invitations to birthday gatherings because he was never going to a party. He has a great personality in the same way that a blank notebook has a great plot. He looks how ordering a two-liter soda for yourself feels. If he were Native American, his spirit animal would be an empty manilla folder. In high school his list of “character concepts” for D&D looked like his algebra homework.

Have fun speculating or just reusing these in the comments of What Are You Playing! Or just let us know what you’re playing this weekend. That’s fun too.

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WRUP: Dispatch from E3 2049 edition

We sent this message back in time from 2056 in the hopes that someone could avert this horrifying future. E3 grew so slowly almost no one realized what was happening until it was too late. E3 2049 started in June of 2050, because E3 2048 lasted the whole of that year and well into 2049. It’s been raging for six years now. Six years of unplayable demos, promises about titles that will radically change before launch, plastic smiles on presenters, and hideous, unconscionable attempts at being hip.

And Nintendo is still promising things that aren’t going to actually come out for half a decade. Their fans insist that they’re doing well.

You can change this now. You can stop the spread of E3 as it keeps covering more days. Stop it before we are all lost in this barren wasteland. Also, make sure to take part in What Are You Playing, because that’s how the aliens decide who get the laser eyes. Yeah, that’s 2033. That year was pretty wild anyway.

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WRUP: Know your dragons edition

If the dragon has four legs and two wings, it’s a dragon. If it has two rear legs and wings instead of front legs, it’s a wyvern. If it has four legs and no wings, but a long curving body, it’s an Eastern dragon. If it has no wings and no legs, it’s a wyrm. If it has four legs and four wings, it’s two wyverns glued together frantically struggling to separate themselves. If it has four wings and no legs, it’s a boss in a Final Fantasy game. Probably. There has to be something like that in one game or another, right?

If it has four legs, no wings, and a normal body, it’s a drake. If it has two legs, two arms, and was born in Canada in 1986, it’s Drake. If it has four wheels and is made of metal, it’s a car. If it has four legs and two wings and converts into a robot, it’s Megatron. If it has four wings where legs should be and two legs where wings should be, it is a crime against nature. If it has lots of heads it is a hydra. If it has no head it is a corpse. If it is What Are You Playing you should tell us your weekend plans in the comments.

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WRUP: Back in my day the dump was dangerous edition

Let me tell you something, you young’uns, everything you do these days is different from how it was when I was your age. Based on my hazy half-remembered childhood from some 70 years ago, keeping in mind that my memory is doubtful in its accuracy because I argued with you for a quarter of an hour that the host of Jeopardy was named Alan Trebek, everything was better when the only place you could play as a kid after school let out was the city dump. Back in my day, the dump was dangerous! And we liked it!

There were old fridges that could lock you inside if you climbed into them and some of your friends shut the door! There were dogs, I assumed! There were… did I mention the fridges? There were fridges! But these days, you all sanitize your dumps by encouraging children not to play in them! What with your video games and your rock music and your video games about rock music and your What Are You Playing and your rock music about video games and your Internet comics about rock music…

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WRUP: How to make bird walk edition

Hello and being welcome to What Are You Playing, column that is for creating most excellent guide on subject of common knowledge to human beings which is also written by actual real human being too. Today column subject focus on how to make bird walk in good walk pattern for movement because human limbs are bad for walk.

First is be find bird. Bird should be more big than human, not more small. More small is bad. Once is finding bird, place two simple human leg over bird back and say in language of bird, “You are now my walk maker.” Bird will peck and scream so much. So much. So much. Why is bird angry? We are using human leg. Frustrating!

Bird is still outside doing so many scream. We do not know how to make bird walk. Tell us how to make bird walk. So many scream from bird. Help us. Help us make bird walk.

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WRUP: The act edition

Move an object from one place to another. Get from one place to another. Avoid being touched by this object.

It all seems so simple, when you look at it from the right angle. Everything’s simple until it isn’t. And when it isn’t, it’s suddenly impossible. You start to break down the moments of the act, the minute expressions, and you realize that it all looked simple because you were focused on the goals. No one was struggling because they misunderstood the goals; the goals were obvious. They struggled because those goals were genuinely difficult to achieve.

Sometimes it’s hard to get an object from one place to another. Fortunately, replying to What Are You Playing looks and is easy. Maybe writing this looks easy, too. I couldn’t tell you.

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WRUP: Skeedily-bop edition

Bop, beedy bop, beedy skeedle bop, bebop, bebop, bap! Bap-a-bap-bap, bappy bap, bap, bap, skeedily-bap, skeedily-bop! Skeedily-bop doop do do do, bap bop bap! Bap! Bap! Skeedle bap! Bappity bap, wicky wap bap bop bop doop do do do, do do skee-bop bap bap bap, skeedily-bop! Skeedily-bop! Skeedily-bop wheedle wheedle wheedle wee, bap bap do!

Skee-bop bop do, do, do, wheedle skeedy bop bap doodle skeep deedle skeep, skeep, skeep beedle bop whee-whee-whee bop bap do, do, skeedily-bop! Bop bap skeedle-skeedle whee, skeedle whee bop skeedle bap skeedle bop, do di skeedle bop wheedle bop skeedily-do! Skeedly-di! Skeedily-bop!

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk. Leave your What Are You Playing comments down below.

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WRUP: Owning a cat vs. owning a jackhammer edition

Cat downsides: Will not break through pavement unless it was really expensive and you would prefer it did not. No standard pneumatic hookups. Few professional cat operators. Makes noise when it wants to. Consists of very small amounts of metal. Does not attract people who are “into” construction equipment. Boxes of poop.

Jackhammer downsides: “Cuddling” and “bunting” from a jackhammer is usually fatal. Far heavier to carry around. Will not give mommy or daddy “kisses,” or if it does, said kisses will require hospitalization. Does not attract people who are “into” soft affectionate animals. Expensive. Boxes of poop.

What Are You Playing downsides: None. Participate in the comments.

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WRUP: I overslept and my office is filled with firewood edition

Ah, Saturday, you noble day when I basically forget about time. Nothing I have to do today. Nothing much, anyway. I should check out the comments to What Are You Playing when I get up.

What did I do for What Are You Playing this week, anyhow? What sort of joke did I…

Oh no. No, no, no, all right, up we go, excuse me cat, out of the way, I have to pretend to be on time. Oh, no, people are going to think this was a thing about Friday but that isn’t it, that wouldn’t even give me a hangover, how is it now? All right, upstairs, I’m here, I…

Why is my office filled with firewood? No. No, we’re not doing this. I don’t need all this firewood. Someone else can figure this out [Bree, let me finish this joke or change it before Saturday -E]

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WRUP: How to speak to a cat edition

When the cat is doing nothing: [Cat’s name], hello! Hello, [cat’s name]!

When the cat needs to be fed: [Cat’s name], nummers! Nummy-nums! Kitty, num-nums, here kitty.

When the cat is sitting curled up and looks cute: Sir.

When the cat does not respond to being called sir: Excuse me, sir.

When the cat is being particularly ridiculous: Sir!

When the cat is walking on you: Sir, really? Really, sir? Is this necessary, sir? Do you [pause briefly to allow cat to step on your chest] require assistance, sir? Your call is very important to us, sir. What do you need, sir? Sir? Sir?

When it is time to write in this week’s What Are You Playing but the cat is preventing you from reaching the keyboard: Really, sir? Sir?

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WRUP: Advertising products we will not sell you edition

Friends, this week’s What Are You Playing must highlight the most baffling marketing move I’ve ever seen. PAX East has often featured some baffling decisions, but this year I have to give the gold cup of What In The Hell Happened to Cygames and their huge booth, which half-features Granblue Fantasy. (The other half is taken up by their mobile card game Shadowverse.)

“Well, why is that weird?” Because, dear reader, you cannot download the game. Not “it hasn’t been released yet,” the game was released back in 2014. But it still doesn’t have an official local release, despite having been localized fully for ages and completely playable right now. You have to go through an insane rigamarole to get the game onto your mobile devices, which means that half of this booth is advertising a game you are not actually being sold.

I suppose maybe it’ll inspire some people to go through that rigamarole? It’s a fun game and fully translated and all. But it’s just… baffling. Leave your weekend plans down in the comments, I’ll be boggling over here.

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WRUP: What to do if you want to attract a lot of ghosts to your house for some reason edition

So you want to attract a whole lot of ghosts to your house for some reason. Well, far be it from us to stop you! Here are some important tips to consider for this goal.

  • Make sure you live in a reality where ghosts are real. This one probably isn’t one, based on lots of evidence, but if you’re really gung-ho about it don’t let that stop you.
  • Location is important. If your house is located on an ancient burial ground, so much the better. If your house is located on an ancient burial ground which was itself located on a burial ground, great. If not, just go dig up some burial grounds and dump them in your front yard, that should anger up the spirits just fine.
  • Provide a welcoming atmosphere. A bright, airy, well-lit living space is great for human beings, but it’s like living in a tin room full of dog farts for ghosts. Make sure the place is dank, full of mildew, and covered in cobwebs.
  • Offer all the accoutrements of home. Considerate haunted homeowners make sure to provide lots of chains to rattle, old paintings to possess, and suits of armor to pose in hallways. If these things are beyond your humble means, use plastic chains and pose discount action figures in the hallway.
  • Write down why you thought this was a good idea. It’s a really awful idea, and writing down why it seemed like a good idea will help you when you are later asking why you thought otherwise.

We hope all of these things help you with your goal. Let us know how things are going in the comments of What Are You Playing. Or let us know about your gaming plans, that works too.

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WRUP: Viva owls edition

¡Búhos vivos! Sí, señoras y señores, como transcrito por este idiota estadounidense que no habla una palabra de español en Google Translate, ¡tenemos búhos en vivo! ¡Búhos de todos los colores del arcoiris! “Pero señor”, dices, “los búhos no vienen en muchos colores”. ¡Lo hacen ahora! ¡Pintamos una gran cantidad de búhos! ¿Sabes lo que piensan sobre eso? ¡No les gusta para nada! Están muy enojados!

¿Qué es eso que dices? ¿No deseas ser atacado por búhos enojados? Eso es muy malo. Todavía tenemos todo el dinero que pagó para ver a los búhos, y suponemos que solo sonreirá y asentirá porque usted tampoco habla una palabra de español. Si desea un reembolso, no recibirá uno, pero puede dejar un comentario en What Are You Playing de esta semana.

¡Larga vida a los búhos!

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