humor

WRUP: Introducing the Not-even-good-at-one-formers edition

Introducing the hottest toy line to debut near SDCC (not at, we don’t have money for a booth there), it’s the Not-even-good-at-one-formers! They’re less, significantly less than meets the eye! Featuring the heroic No-knee-bots against the evil forces of the Separate-parts-bolted-together-icons!

Children and adults with the minds of particularly slow children will enjoy trying to make these toys change from their default form of A Dude With Vehicle Bits On Him to A Dude With Vehicle Bits On Him Lying On His Back And With An Unconvincing Mask On! Both forms are poorly painted and feature bad paint applications, shoddy stickers, and gimmicks that snap off in your hand!

Collect all of your favorite characters like Optional Pilsner, Bormblebrew, Sideswept, Mortgage-tron, Storescam, and The Tape Deck Dude! Let us know how you’re looking forward to it down in the comments, or just let us know What Are You Playing if you’d rather.

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Massively OP Podcast Episode 178: #womenarecosmetic

On this week’s show, Bree and Justin mull over how necessary it is to actually provide MMOs with those icky, wonderful girlie-types. They deliberately deliver a light-hearted episode after last week, full of funky fresh frivolity. Will gaming ever be fun again? It has to be!

It’s the Massively OP Podcast, an action-packed hour of news, tales, opinions, and gamer emails! And remember, if you’d like to send in your own letter to the show, use the “Tips” button in the top-right corner of the site to do so.

Listen to the show right now:

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WRUP: Offending the God of Rabbits has worked out pretty much fine edition

So as you know, last week we managed to direly offend the God of Rabbits, which is remarkable partly insofar as I had expected us to offend more deities. This is actually better than we could have hoped for. Still, the rabbit god was very mad, and he wrought a mighty curse upon us.

Except, well… it was a curse for rabbits. So, for example, the curse to have predators never fail to see you when you’re still? That part was really kind of a wash, my cats saw me then anyway. I’m not sure if the part of the curse wherein I will never enjoy the taste of clover is even working or not. And since I don’t live in a burrow, having a damp burrow doesn’t appear to have actually happened.

In short, offending the God of Rabbits has worked out pretty much fine. Let us know how any deific curses you’re working through are going in this week’s What Are You Playing, or just let us know what you’re up to for the weekend.

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Massively OP Podcast Episode 177: ArenaNet A-bomb

On this week’s show, Bree and Justin cleans up after Guild Wars 2’s PR disaster, chew over the survivability of Shroud of the Avatar, and commiserate about Camelot Unchained’s delay. It’s not all downer news — there’s some really great stuff happening in the MMO industry, and that makes an appearance on this extra-long episode!

Special note: If you want to skip the ArenaNet discussion for the rest of the news, go to the 50-minute mark (yeah, we talk about it a lot!). Also, please note that this was recorded before the Polygon article that came out Monday night, so it’s missing some the additional commentary on Mike O’Brien’s second formal statement.

It’s the Massively OP Podcast, an action-packed hour of news, tales, opinions, and gamer emails! And remember, if you’d like to send in your own letter to the show, use the “Tips” button in the top-right corner of the site to do so.

Listen to the show right now:

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WRUP: Moving forward, there are going to be some changes around this prison edition

New prison rule #1: No one is to use “shiv” as a verb any more. Last month there was a big debate over whether or not someone was shivved or just stabbed and we want to avoid that in the future.

New prison rule #2: Just because you’re in jail doesn’t mean that you can’t display a standard of culture, so we are instituting a new mandatory ballroom dancing class for all prisoners running for two hours. We’ll have a rotating schedule for that.

New prison rule #3: Please consult with the guards before enacting your escape plan. We’re not going to stop you, we just want to be able to time dramatically running down the hall at the last moment so that everyone is very excited.

New prison rule #4: The ballroom dancing class has been cancelled. Yeah, we realized that was never a good idea. Finishing school visiting hours are still on.

New prison rule #5: Let the guards know What Are You Playing and whether or not they will need to break up any arguments over cigarettes which may result from it. We don’t want any more arguments over cigarettes. You shouldn’t be smoking anyhow, it’s bad for you.

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Perfect Tenception: Our ten perfectest Perfect Tens (since last year)

Last year on the Fourth of July, I posted up a Perfect Ten that was a list of my favorite Perfect Tens Justin and Eliot had done since New Massively was born. It was a sort of a meta joke, but the post actually did well. Plus, I like funny listicles. I mean, we did one on sexy MMO monsters. We did one about robot fantasies. We did a sequel to the one where we pretend to have goofy conversations with anthropomorphized MMO studios. I love this job.

This year, I’m turning it into a new Independence Day tradition because literally nobody can stop me, and it amuses me to go back and look at some of these pieces that hold up so well over time.

So once again, in honor of those of you stuck at family gatherings today where you’re super bored, I’ve picked out my favorite Perfect Tens from the last dozen months and rounded them up for you below so you don’t even have to hunt for something fun to read. Just hunch over your phone and tell them you’re doing Very Important Work! I do it all the time!

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Enjoy the Fallout 76 experience in Fallout: New Vegas… in a way

As people who are intimately familiar with the online game space (source: you read this site), most everyone here can imagine the worst excesses of player behavior to be found in Fallout 76 before the game launches. But why not experience it firsthand? A new mod for Fallout: New Vegas will allow you to have that online experience for the game right now, well in advance of release.

No, it’s not adding online functionality, why would it do that? It’s adding an NPC with a flamethrower who shows up right after the tutorial and will try to kill you while shouting racist epithets.

Yes, you can probably guess the joke right from there, but there is a video just below for those who would rather just watch something rather than trying to actually play with this mod installed. And if you have some time to play with it yourself… well, don’t say you weren’t properly warned. You knew what to expect.

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WRUP: House evaluation edition

11:43 (User NVT): Team on-site and beginning inspection.
11:44 (User JPE): Taking half of the team for upper floors.
11:44 (User TTB): JPE is reminded that there are three of us and she does not “count twice.”
11:50 (User JPE): Upper floor appear to be infested with some sort of beetle.
11:58 (User NVT): Basement appears fine. Aside from the flooding. Attempting to identify source of water.
12:03 (User TTB): Ground floor seems fine thus far.
12:12 (User JPE): Upper floor definitely infested with beetles. Curious to see how the beetles react to fire.
12:14 (User JPE): Beetles do not like fire. Neither does exposed wood.
12:21 (User NVT): Cause of flooding appears to be the enormous faucet dispensing water into the basement.
12:30 (User TTB): Ground floor is now flooding. What the hey, NVT?
12:31 (User NVT): All I did was turn off the faucet flooding the basement.
12:31 (User TTB): Found the source of the water that had been shunted into the basement, there appears to be a portal to the middle of the ocean in a parallel world.
12:33 (User JPE): Upper floor appears to be infested with some sort of fire.
12:24 (User TTB): If you think about it, the upper floors and lower floors should cancel each other out.
12:27 (User NVT): Team departing house to answer What Are You Playing and produce a clean bill of health for the premises.

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Massively OP Podcast Episode 176: Guild Wars 2, The Crew 2, and Elder Scrolls too

On this week’s show, Bree and Justin agree that two is the best number in the world, especially when it comes to video games! It’s a hodge-podge of topics, including Guild Wars 2’s latest episode, The Crew 2’s launch, Trion Worlds’ Gazillion acquisition, and more!

It’s the Massively OP Podcast, an action-packed hour of news, tales, opinions, and gamer emails! And remember, if you’d like to send in your own letter to the show, use the “Tips” button in the top-right corner of the site to do so.

Listen to the show right now:

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WRUP: Tips to having a great date when you’re both just sitting in your car for four hours edition

So actual dates are stupid and gross, right? Not necessarily! You can trick your date into having a great experience when the whole night just consists of you sitting in your car for four hours! Here’s how to probably make that happen, why not, it could happen.

  • Remove any vermin from the car before the date. Look, if you’re just driving to the restaurant, she might not notice the cockroach fighting with the rat in the backseat. But if you’re in the car the whole time? Ask the roach and rat to leave until the date is over. Drop them off someplace nice.
  • Say “this is nice, huh?” every fifteen minutes. Your date will not think it’s remotely nice, but contradicting you would be rude.
  • Have a minimum of two bottles of Snapple in the glove compartment. You don’t want your date to think you’re just avoiding actually going somewhere, so having a full cooler is right out. A couple of beverages, though, help speed the time away.
  • You can get away with making three “wrong turns” that result in 10-minute long detours. Any more than that and your date will suspect you intend to drive toward the nearest pier, jam down the accelerator, and then leap from the moving vehicle whilst shouting the name of a professional wrestler.
  • Do not drive toward the nearest pier, jam down the accelerator, and then leap from the moving vehicle whilst shouting the name of a professional wrestler. Doing this can ruin your chances of getting an OBE.

If this process worked, please don’t tell us about it in What Are You Playing. Just let us know what you’re playing this weekend. That’s what the name means.

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Massively OP Podcast Episode 175: Virtual heartbreakers

On this week’s show, Bree and Justin get a little bit crazy and weird as they date MMO NPCs, throw themselves into the middle of studio fights, take a ride on the delay/launch whiplash train, and more!

It’s the Massively OP Podcast, an action-packed hour of news, tales, opinions, and gamer emails! And remember, if you’d like to send in your own letter to the show, use the “Tips” button in the top-right corner of the site to do so.

Listen to the show right now:

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WRUP: Guess the person edition

Sometimes, our work chat is mature and productive and focuses on useful things. Sometimes I just use it to come up with creative burns. These are all things I typed on Friday and they’re funny. Names omitted, though! Guess the person.

He looks like someone stretched a human skin on an animatronic frog’s body from a children’s musical show. At six years old, his mother sent out invitations to birthday gatherings because he was never going to a party. He has a great personality in the same way that a blank notebook has a great plot. He looks how ordering a two-liter soda for yourself feels. If he were Native American, his spirit animal would be an empty manilla folder. In high school his list of “character concepts” for D&D looked like his algebra homework.

Have fun speculating or just reusing these in the comments of What Are You Playing! Or just let us know what you’re playing this weekend. That’s fun too.

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Massively OP Podcast Episode 174: Fallout vs. Elder Scrolls

On this week’s show, Bree and Justin take tentative steps into the early reveals of E3 — including Fallout 76, Elder Scrolls Online, Anthem, and Final Fantasy XIV, all while dealing with a ton of updates and even an expansion launch. June is here, and we’re all gaming hard!

It’s the Massively OP Podcast, an action-packed hour of news, tales, opinions, and gamer emails! And remember, if you’d like to send in your own letter to the show, use the “Tips” button in the top-right corner of the site to do so.

Listen to the show right now:

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