Introducing the Massively Overpowered Objectivity Guide and App
But how do you, the reader, know that this is the case? How can you be certain that no trace of subjectivity is tainting your article and that everything you read here is entirely verifiable by objective reality? It’s a problem that we sat up long nights considering.
So we’re happy to announce the introduction of the new Massively Overpowered Objectivity Guide and App. Read on to find out how this new feature of the site will ensure that everything you read on the site is safe and entirely objective, whether you’re on mobile or on your desktop.
To start with, we’ve spent several thousand dollars on the first step, verifying that all of our writers are objectively real entities existing in a discrete space and time. This mostly consisted of making sure that none of them was moving relative to our reference frame, but it was fairly straightforward. You can be sure that we know everyone’s position, or if not, we at least know his or her velocity. (Which is usually pretty slow.)
Second, from now on every single article will have a new Objectivity Poll so we can improve our coverage moving forward. Here’s a sample of the sort of poll that you’ll find beneath every single article on the site:
It’s so simple! Now, you’ll be able to tell us directly and immediately if we wrote something describing an objective fact within the world or if we simply made it up in a dream without having to scroll down and check our sources. We’ll have some growing pains, certainly, but that’s to be expected.
But what about those tricky opinion pieces? How do we know that those are objective, too? You might think that the very definition of “opinion” makes that impossible, but we never let something being impossible stand in our way. We’ll have a different poll for those, which you can see below:
Although these are sample polls, you’ll notice that they feature all of the elements you’ve come to expect from polls, including allowing you to vote in them and… well, actually, that’s it. They’re polls. They’re not going to get up and squat on your chest in the middle of the night. (Let us know if that’s a thing you want, though; we’ll devote money to it. What else would we do use it for?) Also they display numbers after the fact, and those numbers are super objective. You can know exactly how many people voted “yes” after you vote or choose to view the results! It’s like some kind of super-science.
Of course, all of this is just our way of making sure you’re giving us your full feedback on our new objective rules. This comprehensive document is a bit too long to post here in its entirety, but it starts off by stating in no uncertain terms that it is the objectivity rules. (We cribbed that from the National Tautology Society.) From there, it launches into the elaborate process of ensuring that all of our opinions are scientific fact rather than just wishy-washy subjective feelings.
It also lays down firm rules about how to properly cook meatloaf. There used to be a lot of ways to do that, but now there is just one way, which is clearly the objective best way. It involves gouda and bison. Making a meatloaf without using these techniques is now objectively wrong.
But you may recall that we also mentioned a new app to go along with all of this. Yes, the Massively Overpowered Objectivity App will make your reading experience on mobile even better. Take a look at the mockup below!
You’ll notice that the mobile version of the site (not the desktop version) will now include a scannable QR code that can be scanned to ensure compatibility with all objective reasoning. And how do you scan the code? It’s simplicity itself!
- Open the article on your mobile browsing device.
- Realize you can’t scan the code with the same device.
- Find your buddy.
- Ask your buddy to install the app.
- Sigh when your buddy refuses.
- Ask to borrow your buddy’s phone.
- Insist that installing it will just take, like, a minute, dude.
- Oh, wait, you don’t have a scanner installed.
- Yeah, you need a scanner and the app.
- Wait, why are you – give me your phone back, guy! Come on!
- I need to scan this thing!
- Fine, walk away!
- I never actually liked you!
- That shirt looks dumb on you.
- Oh, jeez. That was uncalled for.
- Forget about the article.
- Take a shower and think about what you’ve done.
- You ruined everything.
- You always ruin everything.
- Why are you this way.
It couldn’t be easier!
The app will be easy to install and use, offering both a free-to-play and patron option. You can also buy a lifetime subscription, which will be valid until we change the subscription model in eight months, at which point you will get a little credit toward our next lifetime subscription option. You can also be a King of the App for $10,000, but we only have spots for five kings, so we’ll only sell 15 or so of those packages to you when the app launches.
Are you excited? We’re excited. Finally, a world where you needn’t worry about entertainment sites and critical analysis being anything other than objective! We all feel that the new policy will exist and will be observable by human beings and that it will contain a number of guidelines and rules to be followed to ensure compliance.
No feelings about it, though. Feelings are subjective and they lie, unless they perfectly align with your own opinions. That’s what objective means.
The Massively Overpowered Objectivity Guide and App: It is definitely a thing that exists. Imagine that there is a trademark symbol there.