Introducing the Massively Overpowered Objectivity Guide and App

Friends, enemies, ladies, gentlemen, morphean blobs, and colours out of space, we know that the most pressing question on your mind when you read this site is how you know everything is objective. Objectivity is one of the highest goals of Massively Overpowered, specifically because we set up a tall shelf and put a piece of paper that says “objectivity” on the top of it. It is very high off of the ground. Bree and Justin rely on the rest of us to assure them that yes, it is in fact there.

But how do you, the reader, know that this is the case? How can you be certain that no trace of subjectivity is tainting your article and that everything you read here is entirely verifiable by objective reality? It’s a problem that we sat up long nights considering.

So we’re happy to announce the introduction of the new Massively Overpowered Objectivity Guide and App. Read on to find out how this new feature of the site will ensure that everything you read on the site is safe and entirely objective, whether you’re on mobile or on your desktop.

We've made a bunch of really good decisions!To start with, we’ve spent several thousand dollars on the first step, verifying that all of our writers are objectively real entities existing in a discrete space and time. This mostly consisted of making sure that none of them was moving relative to our reference frame, but it was fairly straightforward. You can be sure that we know everyone’s position, or if not, we at least know his or her velocity. (Which is usually pretty slow.)

Second, from now on every single article will have a new Objectivity Poll so we can improve our coverage moving forward. Here’s a sample of the sort of poll that you’ll find beneath every single article on the site:

Does this post describe an actual thing?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

It’s so simple! Now, you’ll be able to tell us directly and immediately if we wrote something describing an objective fact within the world or if we simply made it up in a dream without having to scroll down and check our sources. We’ll have some growing pains, certainly, but that’s to be expected.

But what about those tricky opinion pieces? How do we know that those are objective, too? You might think that the very definition of “opinion” makes that impossible, but we never let something being impossible stand in our way. We’ll have a different poll for those, which you can see below:

Does the writer of this piece actually hold this opinion?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Although these are sample polls, you’ll notice that they feature all of the elements you’ve come to expect from polls, including allowing you to vote in them and… well, actually, that’s it. They’re polls. They’re not going to get up and squat on your chest in the middle of the night. (Let us know if that’s a thing you want, though; we’ll devote money to it. What else would we do use it for?) Also they display numbers after the fact, and those numbers are super objective. You can know exactly how many people voted “yes” after you vote or choose to view the results! It’s like some kind of super-science.

I WANT YOU

Of course, all of this is just our way of making sure you’re giving us your full feedback on our new objective rules. This comprehensive document is a bit too long to post here in its entirety, but it starts off by stating in no uncertain terms that it is the objectivity rules. (We cribbed that from the National Tautology Society.) From there, it launches into the elaborate process of ensuring that all of our opinions are scientific fact rather than just wishy-washy subjective feelings.

It also lays down firm rules about how to properly cook meatloaf. There used to be a lot of ways to do that, but now there is just one way, which is clearly the objective best way. It involves gouda and bison. Making a meatloaf without using these techniques is now objectively wrong.

But you may recall that we also mentioned a new app to go along with all of this. Yes, the Massively Overpowered Objectivity App will make your reading experience on mobile even better. Take a look at the mockup below!

It's mocking up!

You’ll notice that the mobile version of the site (not the desktop version) will now include a scannable QR code that can be scanned to ensure compatibility with all objective reasoning. And how do you scan the code? It’s simplicity itself!

  1. Open the article on your mobile browsing device.
  2. Realize you can’t scan the code with the same device.
  3. Find your buddy.
  4. Ask your buddy to install the app.
  5. Sigh when your buddy refuses.
  6. Ask to borrow your buddy’s phone.
  7. Insist that installing it will just take, like, a minute, dude.
  8. Oh, wait, you don’t have a scanner installed.
  9. Yeah, you need a scanner and the app.
  10. Wait, why are you – give me your phone back, guy! Come on!
  11. I need to scan this thing!
  12. Fine, walk away!
  13. I never actually liked you!
  14. That shirt looks dumb on you.
  15. Oh, jeez. That was uncalled for.
  16. Forget about the article.
  17. Take a shower and think about what you’ve done.
  18. You ruined everything.
  19. You always ruin everything.
  20. Why are you this way.

It couldn’t be easier!

I'm happy with the choices I've made. These have all been good decisions.

The app will be easy to install and use, offering both a free-to-play and patron option. You can also buy a lifetime subscription, which will be valid until we change the subscription model in eight months, at which point you will get a little credit toward our next lifetime subscription option. You can also be a King of the App for $10,000, but we only have spots for five kings, so we’ll only sell 15 or so of those packages to you when the app launches.

Are you excited? We’re excited. Finally, a world where you needn’t worry about entertainment sites and critical analysis being anything other than objective! We all feel that the new policy will exist and will be observable by human beings and that it will contain a number of guidelines and rules to be followed to ensure compliance.

No feelings about it, though. Feelings are subjective and they lie, unless they perfectly align with your own opinions. That’s what objective means.

The Massively Overpowered Objectivity Guide and App: It is definitely a thing that exists. Imagine that there is a trademark symbol there.

Does this post contain words arranged into sentences to convey meaning?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...
SHARE THIS ARTICLE
Code of Conduct | Edit Your Profile | Commenting FAQ | Badge Reclamation | Badge Key

LEAVE A COMMENT

34 Comments on "Introducing the Massively Overpowered Objectivity Guide and App"

Subscribe to:
Sort by:   newest | oldest | most liked
Reader
Raheem Nuamah

I loved the pun about the shrimp.

Reader
Rottenrotny

Has Anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like?????

Reader
Ashfyn Ninegold

Proving yet again, as Buckaroo Banzai explained, no matter where you go, there you are.

Reader
Loyal Patron
Patreon Donor
Sylkesh

All these polls are just elf shit :D lol

Reader
Captain Crash

Lack of elf butts in the polls….

Reader
TomTurtle

Oh damn! That shade at Bree and Justin. :P

Reader
Kurt Shadle

Sometimes I think Eliot’s mind exists in another dimension. I love it :D

Reader
mistressbrazen

You’ve been on fire these last two days Eliot! Well done.

Reader
Matt B

I loved the pun about the shrimp.

Celestia
Reader
Celestia

I’m just here for the polls.

Reader
MesaSage

All I can say is – It’s about time.

Reader
Suikoden

Wow, you had me for a while, LOL.

Reader
Kinya

I loved the pun about the shrimp :D

Reader
Armsbend

Eliot – Apply as a new writer to The Secret World Legends

Reader
Nordavind

Wat?

Reader
Manastu Utakata

Check the date first before asking that? >.>

Reader
Nordavind

I know, I know ;)

Reader
kidwithknife

None of those polls list “Elf Butts” as an option. Clearly the MassivelyOP staff believe that reality is merely a simulation which we experience as reality having never known life in the objective real world. Subjective bullshit! I demand a return to ethics in gaming journalism! True objectivity! Elf butts or RIOT!

Reader
Manastu Utakata

#elfbuttobjectivism <3

Crow
Reader
Crow

Objectivity is for chumps. Embrace your subjectivity and use it for good stuff. Subjectivity is normal, and the anxiety tailspin of trying to be objective is impossible to pull out of once you’re so worried about your flaps that you cease to realize the rudder has been pegged to the side the whole time.

Reader
Kinya

And the April’s Fools Joker reward goes to… MassivelyOP team! :D

Reader
Kevin McCaughey

Guys this is a… well… a rather strange step. I don’t care whether you are objective or not. I like you to be opinionated. I like that there are lots of different authors for this site and they all have their own opinions and unique take on things. I worry that this will push your writers to be too bland.

Does anyone else agree?

Reader
Kevin McCaughey

Omg I’m a dick. You got me! lol :)

Reader
Drainage

No way! This is real.

Reader
ChaosConstant

I’m shocked and disappointed that your objectivity polls are missing the key option “Elf Butts.” Shame on you for your unobjectivity toward elf anatomy.
Also, shrimp puns, lol.

Reader
Steven Scott

I feel like Kevan Brighting should be reading this.

Reader
Mr Poolaty

I’m retarded

Yall had me until I seen the 10k option

Reader
Drainage

Can I make subjective payments on a not so literal King of the App?

Dolvic
Reader
Dolvic

I loved the pun about the shrimp.

proto_bear
Reader
proto_bear

I loved the pun about the shrimp.

Andrew Ross
Staff
Andrew Ross

Verifying that writers are objectively real was humiliating and slightly exciting. I’ve never been happier to be part of this team <3

Reader
Ysayle was right

Prawn jokes are always comedy gold.

Reader
mechageist

Needs more brawny brony prawn pr0n.

Reader
Giles Linnear

This is going to be the WoW-killer!

wpDiscuz