I didn’t think it was possible to top game-branded Pop-Tarts or candles or bubble tea or Cheez-It, but I was wrong. Today, we got a press release for gamer lotion, and these people are all-in on how ridiculous it sounds. It’s called – wait for it – Gamer Goo, and the company is marketing it as the “world’s only dedicated gaming lotion” intended to “banish sweaty palms for good” with its “specially formulated” chemical design.
“Professional gamers and participants in esports will be all too familiar with the debilitating symptoms which can result from intense gaming, namely a rapid build-up of sweat during heated play. The special formulation only offered by Gamer Goo keeps hands dry, cool and sweat free, allowing the gamer to perform at their best for hours on end. A simple pea-sized application is all that’s needed to keep fresh and one-step-ahead of the competition. Used by many professional gamers, Gamer Goo is the secret weapon to ensuring an edge over the competition, getting to work instantly, drying almost instantly and leaving a layer of protection to blocks sweat and moisture. […] Gamer Goo is designed to improve the gamers grip, as well as increasing accuracy and dexterity by reducing sweat and clammy hands forever. The unique Gamer Goo formula leaves behind no greasy or damaging residue and won’t damage controllers, keyboards, mice or accessories.”
Fun fact y’all don’t know about me: I’ve got super dry hands and a wild list of allergies, so I know a thing or two about these kinds of products and what makes them work (versus what makes them break me out in hives). I took a peek at the ingredients to see what’s up here. Here’s the list for Gamer Goo Orange.
“D.I Water, Isopropyl Alcohol, Maranta Arundinacea (Arrowroot) Root Powder, Silica, Glycerin, Xanthan Gum, Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil, Phenoxyethanol (and) Methylparaben (and) Ethylparaben (and) Propylparaben (and) Butylparaben (and) Isobutylparaben, Magnesium Aluminum Silicate, Eucalyptus Globulus Leaf Oil.”
OK, so this ingredient list? It’s not actually bullshit. Between the arrowroot and all the silicones in here, you’re basically putting a makeup primer on your hands. It’ll probably work to minimize sweat and oil on your palms (or anywhere else you’re sweaty, ahem). I wouldn’t put it on your face, especially if you’re sensitive to peppermint or eucalyptus oils, and you’ll still need a real lotion for the rest of your hands, and you’ll need to keep reapplying this every time you wash your hands (which you should do extra when using this!), but hey, it’ll do what it says it will at least.
Then again, so would an untinted dimethicone makeup primer (look for one that says “matte” or “for oily skin”) or even a chafing powder-gel from the drugstore (seriously). But then you wouldn’t get to crack up your fellow gamers with your $13 tube of Gamer Goo, which let’s be honest is the real goal here.
So there you go. I started this post to tease it, but it’s actually not the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. This video is, though.
