Hot Pockets teams up with PUBG: Battlegrounds to award you awful cosmetics in a circuitous fashion

The makers of Hot Pockets know what you want, players of PUBG: Battlegrounds. You want Hickory Ham & Cheddar, and you want it hot, and you want it quickly, and you…

Actually, you know what? No. Can’t do this. This has officially broken something. I am just going to leave you a list of questions that this cross-promotion between PUBG: Battlegrounds and Hot Pockets-brand filled sandwich things has given me which I do not have answers to, and you can assemble your own conclusions.

• Why are the only participating packages like six different sizes of Hickory Ham & Cheddar and a couple of other Philly Steak & Cheese flavors? Hot Pockets does make other flavors. I know, sometimes I buy those. Is there just not enough overlap? Do PUBG: Battlegrounds players hate broccoli or something?
• Why do you have to take a photo of your receipt and then upload it? Why is this so complicated? Why aren’t codes just included in the box if they’re already being specially marked? Do you think people will be tearing boxes open looking for the codes like feral maniacs?
• Why is the cross-promotional outfit so ugly? Why is it just camouflage in the colors of the aforementioned Hickory Ham & Cheddar filling? Are you supposed to hide on a bed of Hot Pockets?
• Why is this running until July 31st? Why is there a two-month window for this?
• If the boxes don’t actually contain any codes, why are they specially marked?
• Why are you calling your game PUBG: Battlegrounds? You’re rebranding from PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds, that’s where “PUBG” comes from. This is like “ATM machine.” You’re making your acronym redundant, and it doesn’t look good to begin with.
• Why do you keep advertising your game as “the first battle royale title” like that’s somehow a mark of victory instead of a secret shame? Isn’t that like leading off on your resume by announcing you designed Comic Sans?

All right, we’re getting off track here. Hot Pockets, apparently. If you can’t get enough of Hot Pockets or PUBG: Battlegrounds, congratulations, your ship filled with ham and molten cheese-like goop has come in. Whatever.