WRUP: Offending the God of Rabbits has worked out pretty much fine edition

So as you know, last week we managed to direly offend the God of Rabbits, which is remarkable partly insofar as I had expected us to offend more deities. This is actually better than we could have hoped for. Still, the rabbit god was very mad, and he wrought a mighty curse upon us.

Except, well… it was a curse for rabbits. So, for example, the curse to have predators never fail to see you when you’re still? That part was really kind of a wash, my cats saw me then anyway. I’m not sure if the part of the curse wherein I will never enjoy the taste of clover is even working or not. And since I don’t live in a burrow, having a damp burrow doesn’t appear to have actually happened.

In short, offending the God of Rabbits has worked out pretty much fine. Let us know how any deific curses you’re working through are going in this week’s What Are You Playing, or just let us know what you’re up to for the weekend.

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WRUP: Moving forward, there are going to be some changes around this prison edition

New prison rule #1: No one is to use “shiv” as a verb any more. Last month there was a big debate over whether or not someone was shivved or just stabbed and we want to avoid that in the future.

New prison rule #2: Just because you’re in jail doesn’t mean that you can’t display a standard of culture, so we are instituting a new mandatory ballroom dancing class for all prisoners running for two hours. We’ll have a rotating schedule for that.

New prison rule #3: Please consult with the guards before enacting your escape plan. We’re not going to stop you, we just want to be able to time dramatically running down the hall at the last moment so that everyone is very excited.

New prison rule #4: The ballroom dancing class has been cancelled. Yeah, we realized that was never a good idea. Finishing school visiting hours are still on.

New prison rule #5: Let the guards know What Are You Playing and whether or not they will need to break up any arguments over cigarettes which may result from it. We don’t want any more arguments over cigarettes. You shouldn’t be smoking anyhow, it’s bad for you.

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WRUP: House evaluation edition

11:43 (User NVT): Team on-site and beginning inspection.
11:44 (User JPE): Taking half of the team for upper floors.
11:44 (User TTB): JPE is reminded that there are three of us and she does not “count twice.”
11:50 (User JPE): Upper floor appear to be infested with some sort of beetle.
11:58 (User NVT): Basement appears fine. Aside from the flooding. Attempting to identify source of water.
12:03 (User TTB): Ground floor seems fine thus far.
12:12 (User JPE): Upper floor definitely infested with beetles. Curious to see how the beetles react to fire.
12:14 (User JPE): Beetles do not like fire. Neither does exposed wood.
12:21 (User NVT): Cause of flooding appears to be the enormous faucet dispensing water into the basement.
12:30 (User TTB): Ground floor is now flooding. What the hey, NVT?
12:31 (User NVT): All I did was turn off the faucet flooding the basement.
12:31 (User TTB): Found the source of the water that had been shunted into the basement, there appears to be a portal to the middle of the ocean in a parallel world.
12:33 (User JPE): Upper floor appears to be infested with some sort of fire.
12:24 (User TTB): If you think about it, the upper floors and lower floors should cancel each other out.
12:27 (User NVT): Team departing house to answer What Are You Playing and produce a clean bill of health for the premises.

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WRUP: Tips to having a great date when you’re both just sitting in your car for four hours edition

So actual dates are stupid and gross, right? Not necessarily! You can trick your date into having a great experience when the whole night just consists of you sitting in your car for four hours! Here’s how to probably make that happen, why not, it could happen.

  • Remove any vermin from the car before the date. Look, if you’re just driving to the restaurant, she might not notice the cockroach fighting with the rat in the backseat. But if you’re in the car the whole time? Ask the roach and rat to leave until the date is over. Drop them off someplace nice.
  • Say “this is nice, huh?” every fifteen minutes. Your date will not think it’s remotely nice, but contradicting you would be rude.
  • Have a minimum of two bottles of Snapple in the glove compartment. You don’t want your date to think you’re just avoiding actually going somewhere, so having a full cooler is right out. A couple of beverages, though, help speed the time away.
  • You can get away with making three “wrong turns” that result in 10-minute long detours. Any more than that and your date will suspect you intend to drive toward the nearest pier, jam down the accelerator, and then leap from the moving vehicle whilst shouting the name of a professional wrestler.
  • Do not drive toward the nearest pier, jam down the accelerator, and then leap from the moving vehicle whilst shouting the name of a professional wrestler. Doing this can ruin your chances of getting an OBE.

If this process worked, please don’t tell us about it in What Are You Playing. Just let us know what you’re playing this weekend. That’s what the name means.

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WRUP: Guess the person edition

Sometimes, our work chat is mature and productive and focuses on useful things. Sometimes I just use it to come up with creative burns. These are all things I typed on Friday and they’re funny. Names omitted, though! Guess the person.

He looks like someone stretched a human skin on an animatronic frog’s body from a children’s musical show. At six years old, his mother sent out invitations to birthday gatherings because he was never going to a party. He has a great personality in the same way that a blank notebook has a great plot. He looks how ordering a two-liter soda for yourself feels. If he were Native American, his spirit animal would be an empty manilla folder. In high school his list of “character concepts” for D&D looked like his algebra homework.

Have fun speculating or just reusing these in the comments of What Are You Playing! Or just let us know what you’re playing this weekend. That’s fun too.

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WRUP: Dispatch from E3 2049 edition

We sent this message back in time from 2056 in the hopes that someone could avert this horrifying future. E3 grew so slowly almost no one realized what was happening until it was too late. E3 2049 started in June of 2050, because E3 2048 lasted the whole of that year and well into 2049. It’s been raging for six years now. Six years of unplayable demos, promises about titles that will radically change before launch, plastic smiles on presenters, and hideous, unconscionable attempts at being hip.

And Nintendo is still promising things that aren’t going to actually come out for half a decade. Their fans insist that they’re doing well.

You can change this now. You can stop the spread of E3 as it keeps covering more days. Stop it before we are all lost in this barren wasteland. Also, make sure to take part in What Are You Playing, because that’s how the aliens decide who get the laser eyes. Yeah, that’s 2033. That year was pretty wild anyway.

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WRUP: Know your dragons edition

If the dragon has four legs and two wings, it’s a dragon. If it has two rear legs and wings instead of front legs, it’s a wyvern. If it has four legs and no wings, but a long curving body, it’s an Eastern dragon. If it has no wings and no legs, it’s a wyrm. If it has four legs and four wings, it’s two wyverns glued together frantically struggling to separate themselves. If it has four wings and no legs, it’s a boss in a Final Fantasy game. Probably. There has to be something like that in one game or another, right?

If it has four legs, no wings, and a normal body, it’s a drake. If it has two legs, two arms, and was born in Canada in 1986, it’s Drake. If it has four wheels and is made of metal, it’s a car. If it has four legs and two wings and converts into a robot, it’s Megatron. If it has four wings where legs should be and two legs where wings should be, it is a crime against nature. If it has lots of heads it is a hydra. If it has no head it is a corpse. If it is What Are You Playing you should tell us your weekend plans in the comments.

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WRUP: Back in my day the dump was dangerous edition

Let me tell you something, you young’uns, everything you do these days is different from how it was when I was your age. Based on my hazy half-remembered childhood from some 70 years ago, keeping in mind that my memory is doubtful in its accuracy because I argued with you for a quarter of an hour that the host of Jeopardy was named Alan Trebek, everything was better when the only place you could play as a kid after school let out was the city dump. Back in my day, the dump was dangerous! And we liked it!

There were old fridges that could lock you inside if you climbed into them and some of your friends shut the door! There were dogs, I assumed! There were… did I mention the fridges? There were fridges! But these days, you all sanitize your dumps by encouraging children not to play in them! What with your video games and your rock music and your video games about rock music and your What Are You Playing and your rock music about video games and your Internet comics about rock music…

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WRUP: How to make bird walk edition

Hello and being welcome to What Are You Playing, column that is for creating most excellent guide on subject of common knowledge to human beings which is also written by actual real human being too. Today column subject focus on how to make bird walk in good walk pattern for movement because human limbs are bad for walk.

First is be find bird. Bird should be more big than human, not more small. More small is bad. Once is finding bird, place two simple human leg over bird back and say in language of bird, “You are now my walk maker.” Bird will peck and scream so much. So much. So much. Why is bird angry? We are using human leg. Frustrating!

Bird is still outside doing so many scream. We do not know how to make bird walk. Tell us how to make bird walk. So many scream from bird. Help us. Help us make bird walk.

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WRUP: The act edition

Move an object from one place to another. Get from one place to another. Avoid being touched by this object.

It all seems so simple, when you look at it from the right angle. Everything’s simple until it isn’t. And when it isn’t, it’s suddenly impossible. You start to break down the moments of the act, the minute expressions, and you realize that it all looked simple because you were focused on the goals. No one was struggling because they misunderstood the goals; the goals were obvious. They struggled because those goals were genuinely difficult to achieve.

Sometimes it’s hard to get an object from one place to another. Fortunately, replying to What Are You Playing looks and is easy. Maybe writing this looks easy, too. I couldn’t tell you.

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WRUP: Skeedily-bop edition

Bop, beedy bop, beedy skeedle bop, bebop, bebop, bap! Bap-a-bap-bap, bappy bap, bap, bap, skeedily-bap, skeedily-bop! Skeedily-bop doop do do do, bap bop bap! Bap! Bap! Skeedle bap! Bappity bap, wicky wap bap bop bop doop do do do, do do skee-bop bap bap bap, skeedily-bop! Skeedily-bop! Skeedily-bop wheedle wheedle wheedle wee, bap bap do!

Skee-bop bop do, do, do, wheedle skeedy bop bap doodle skeep deedle skeep, skeep, skeep beedle bop whee-whee-whee bop bap do, do, skeedily-bop! Bop bap skeedle-skeedle whee, skeedle whee bop skeedle bap skeedle bop, do di skeedle bop wheedle bop skeedily-do! Skeedly-di! Skeedily-bop!

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk. Leave your What Are You Playing comments down below.

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WRUP: Owning a cat vs. owning a jackhammer edition

Cat downsides: Will not break through pavement unless it was really expensive and you would prefer it did not. No standard pneumatic hookups. Few professional cat operators. Makes noise when it wants to. Consists of very small amounts of metal. Does not attract people who are “into” construction equipment. Boxes of poop.

Jackhammer downsides: “Cuddling” and “bunting” from a jackhammer is usually fatal. Far heavier to carry around. Will not give mommy or daddy “kisses,” or if it does, said kisses will require hospitalization. Does not attract people who are “into” soft affectionate animals. Expensive. Boxes of poop.

What Are You Playing downsides: None. Participate in the comments.

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WRUP: I overslept and my office is filled with firewood edition

Ah, Saturday, you noble day when I basically forget about time. Nothing I have to do today. Nothing much, anyway. I should check out the comments to What Are You Playing when I get up.

What did I do for What Are You Playing this week, anyhow? What sort of joke did I…

Oh no. No, no, no, all right, up we go, excuse me cat, out of the way, I have to pretend to be on time. Oh, no, people are going to think this was a thing about Friday but that isn’t it, that wouldn’t even give me a hangover, how is it now? All right, upstairs, I’m here, I…

Why is my office filled with firewood? No. No, we’re not doing this. I don’t need all this firewood. Someone else can figure this out [Bree, let me finish this joke or change it before Saturday -E]

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