FROM THE DESK OF MAJOR ALOYSIUS STONEMURDER CHESTELM THE THIRD (MRS.) –
It behooves me to write into the editor of this month’s “Computing Entertainments & Similar Diversions” newspaper that I might protest the most recent and egregious attempt at extorting the valuable currency of our great Nation’s youth. Upon my departing a storefront not an hour hence, a grimy urchin of most deplorable cleanliness approached me and called, “Please, your grace, might you spare a tuppence? Just a minor tuppence for me?”
Aghast, I asked the poor creature where her mother was and why she had not been fed, and she informed me that the tuppence in question was for her mother in order to pay for her “house armor” in one of the computing entertainments which she did so enjoy. The wretch went on to elaborate that once a month the arithmetic machine would explain what had happened to the house her mother so assiduously kept up, and she proceeded to explain that the prior month their house did harbor two puissant elven warrior maidens of mighty blades and virtue true, a dozen acolytes beneath the watchful gaze of their deity Meklor the Hewer of Stones, a half-giant wizard who summoned storms from his breath, a guy named Craig, and Belinda, Bride of Wolves.
My jaw dropped and has not yet recovered. It is clear to me that these computing entertainments will find no shortage of ways to exploit the underclass with unfair prices, and not only did I promptly inform the young girl that I not provide her with tuppence but I immediately went to the location she indicated to pay fifty pounds sterling so that I might procure my own manor, which I have subsequently named “The Rose & Hearth” and where I have already begun a most thrilling engagement with an elven warrior maiden who seems to suggest the most untoward behaviors toward me. I hope that this sort of foul exploitation will cease right after I have made this urchin and her filthy mother taste the lash of my superior expenditure.
-dated March 5th, 1998, Milwaukee, WI
Bonus question: What’s a game that was released when you were young that you’d love to see a modern remake/reimagining of?
​Andrew Ross (@dengarsw): I just got a new puppy so that’s gonna be most of my time, but I’m hoping to sneak in some Orna and maybe exercise games, but the latter will have to be stealthy.
Man, I could go on all day about games from my childhood being remade, but I’ll go with Earthbound. It’s got a lot of ideas that I think can still resonate with players, but it’s lacking modern gaming frills, like voice acting and difficulty scaling that doesn’t require simply grinding levels. The same goes for Chrono Trigger!
Brianna Royce (@nbrianna, blog): I’ll be in Lord of the Rings Online and Farm Together 2, maybe a bit of City of Heroes also, but mostly the others.
Chris Neal (@wolfyseyes, blog): I’m kind of unplugging from MMOs for a bit and mostly burying myself into some cozy lil titles instead for a bit. That said, I will be doing a couple of little peeks into Final Fantasy XIV to chat with FC-mates every bare little bit. Honestly, though, that’s going to be the exception that otherwise proves the rule.
I know most people only recognize this game title for Muscle Wizard or an incredibly dope opening theme, but Solstice from the NES days would be an awesome game to see remade and remastered. And not just to have a proper orchestration of said theme song. Seriously, look it up if you haven’t heard it before. Tim Follin crammed a prog rock masterpiece into that little cart. Runner-up would be Faxanadu.
Eliot Lefebvre (@Eliot_Lefebvre, blog): I’ve got a little bit of FFXIV stuff to keep my interest because these days it’s like a steady drip, keeping me going until Dawntrail hits. Just a little over a month. Other than that, I’ve got a single-player game to review and I’m going to be working on some writing projects. It’s that kind of week.
Up until a couple years ago I would have said Blaster Master, but we actually already got that with the Blaster Master Zero franchise and those games are really good. I dig the heck out of them. So now I’m going to pick something much more obscure: Metal Warriors, a LucasArts-developed SNES shooter in which you got to march around some big stompy mechs in a number of levels. It was really fun and it could expand nicely into a full-on remake.
Sam Kash (@thesamkash): I am the slowest single player gamer ever. I think I’ve put less than two hours into Superhot Mind Control over the last two weeks but this weekend I will complete it. There’s just a single stage left, I think. Harry Potter Magic Awakened continues to be my daily driver. I’m nearing level 100 which is an achievement of some sort.
Bonus: I’m sure I’ve got more than a handful of games to pick from if I thought on it more. But I’ll throw Breath of Fire from the Super Nintendo out. I have very fond memories of it but you don’t hear about it as often as you do your Final Fantasy or your Dragon Quest or even your Secret of Mana . But it seriously deserves to be remembered in line with them.
Tyler Edwards (blog): I’ll be continuing to work my way through the Pandaria remix in World of Warcraft, which has proven far more addictive than I could have anticipated. I’ve already gotten my Paladin to cap and am now working on a Death Knight, with other alts to follow.
Bonus question: It is an absolute crime that the No One Lives Forever franchise has become as forgotten as it is, and I’m eternally torn between wanting to see it revived and worrying that nothing could equal the brilliance of the original. I also think Drakan: Order of the Flame could be amazing if remade with modern technology.
Every Saturday, join the Massively OP community and staff for What Are You Playing, our roundup of what MMORPGs and other games we’re hoping to play this weekend (with a bonus question or two for our amusement). Tell us what you’re up to! Go off-topic! And don’t forget to have fun!
