As always, a new year means a new cast of characters, because I hate resolving plotlines and we’re not going to be having a bunch of uppity actors hold this feature hostage like The Simpsons. If you want closure, assume everyone died except that guy you liked. Now, let’s meet our new cast for 2018:
- Happy Walkin’ Steven Steven, a convicted drug dealer who is currently coaching seven different children’s sports teams to learn the true meaning of friendship, Christmas, teamwork, and IRS form 1040-A.
- Camilla the Snail, who is a snail.
- Jacktron, defender of Earth, the heroic robot who repeatedly insists to people that it is a CPA named “Jacktron, defender of Earth,” not an actual defender of Earth in any way. That is not a title.
- Sandstorm Jones, your father. Or mother. Whichever.
- Catfood Collectin’ Steven Steven, who is played by a meth addict prone to reckless driving and will be quietly retired after he tries to make an entire episode about how you should eat squirrels right off of the trees. (He calls them “squeaklemons.”)
- Wolverine But Not The Marvel Comics Wolverine, A Totally Original Character Who We Made Up. This one speaks for itself.
- And last but not least, Obnoxious Catchphrasia, the objectively worst character and therefore the comedic sociopath everyone will idolize.
So, let’s enjoy this band of whatevers on their adventures until we kill them off next year! Until then, feel free to let us know which character’s merchandise you would like to purchase in the comments of What Are You Playing. Or let us know what you’re playing this weekend. Honestly, whichever.
Andrew Ross (@dengarsw): Pokemon Go to help burn off some of this winter gut, but also because I can do whale watching at the same time (it’s a great trail). I swear I’m doing some Final Fantasy XIV because I’ve just been too tired to play much during the week but no, I’m not working towards that doggy helmet. The dog’s cute but the helmet is just too out there for me.
Brianna Royce (@nbrianna, blog): I’m sure it’ll be Guild Wars 2 again. My husband and I picked a set of unloved alts and are slowly taking our 6-year-old through Path of Fire with us (glossing over some of the more intense parts, but honestly GW2 has very little gore, so it’s not too bad). It’s so much fun!
Justin Olivetti (@Sypster, blog): I’m working diligently on setting up some sort of gold-making scheme in World of Warcraft, which mostly just means sorting out all of my characters and getting organized. I’d like to check back in with Champions Online and get in some Secret World Legends time as well.
Pierre, patron: I’m not over Destiny 2, so it will be my main game this weekend… again. I’m also enjoying Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age on my PS4; it’s an excellent remaster of an interesting series title, especially for MMO players as many MMO-like features are somehow implemented in this installment. For dessert, I chose Divine Divinity, the first RPG from Larian Studio. It’s an old game but surprisingly very pleasant to play, even today. I wish you an amazing year of gaming, MOP readers. So, what are you playing this year?