Garbage Tier: Jim-Bob
None of Jim-Bob’s rants go anywhere, his grandchild pictures are severely lacking, his accent is grating, and worst of all is that all he ever orders is black coffee and a pickle. Completely worthless in any competitive match.
Bottom Tier: Moishe, Andy, Piotr
Moishe is basically Hiram with slower speech and an ugly walker with halved tennis balls, while Andy and Piotr both have fun stories but only a handful of them. In addition, Piotr’s mid-range control options are weak enough that he does poorly in several matchups.
Mid-Tier: George, Jimmy, Junior, Hiram, Joey
People have argued that George and Junior should really be down at bottom tier, because when they get a bad matchup against, say, Carl or “Boats,” they really have a hard time holding up. But they can all hold their own, and George especially is so dominant against Piotr that it feels wrong putting him in the same tier. Plus, all of them always have candy.
Top Tier: Petey, Carl, “Boats,” Lou
No one would argue with Lou or “Boats” being here. Lou has so many great stories about being in public works for 47 years that he almost gets up to perfect tier, and Carl and “Boats” have a few dominant matchups and no really bad ones. Also, Petey and Carl both have those really nice walkers.
Perfect Tier: Malone, Gus
Not only are these two the undisputed kings of the deli, they even show up for comments in What Are You Playing. What a pair of guys, am I right?
Andrew Ross (@dengarsw): It’s gonna be a busy social weekend. I’m more on my feet now, so that means some Pokemon Go is happening, including (gasp) Mewtwo raid #4! I want to do more Monster Hunter World, and I admit, I may have some Fire Emblem Heroes too because I got super lucky and pulled the new Hector (and still have managed to avoid paying for gatchas this event).
Brianna Royce (@nbrianna, blog): If I game this weekend, it’ll probably be Ultima Online or Trove. I’ve been consistently logging into UO and I’m not sure why I keep picking it over everything else I keep installed. It’s fun but lonely.
Eliot Lefebvre (@Eliot_Lefebvre, blog): It’s a long weekend for me, so my main goals are doing a whole bunch of things in Final Fantasy XIV and World of Warcraft. I also still haven’t gotten started on Final Fantasy XII yet, and the Secret of Mana remake is out too… bah.
Justin Olivetti (@Sypster, blog): Last week I disappointed myself by not making time to try out Closers Online, so I’m going to make that a priority this weekend. Probably. Maybe. Most definitely. Otherwise, I’m chugging through Hildibrand quests in FFXIV, chipping away at my Argus quest log in World of Warcraft, and going on a date with MJ in Dungeons & Dragons Online which will probably result in mass casualties. Maybe. Most definitely.
MJ Guthrie (@MJ_Guthrie, blog): I would like to say that I have all these grand plans to enjoy a handful of my favorite games and get many things done, but in reality I am pretty sure I will be in ARK: Survival Evolved for an unhealthy amount of time getting the elevator system to finally work at our waterfall community. Which is what I tried to do for the entirety of last weekend, and every spare moment this week. It will work! And then I plan to breed some baby ravagers with the Valentine’s event, and maybe I will get to raise a baby giant crab if the gang was successful at a tame of each.
Pierre, patron: Monster Hunter World occupies most of my time these days, and I’m dressing it with some PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds for an alternate flavor. WoW is on the menu too, but definitely only to fill the rare morsels of free time left. In brief, I’m having a very good time gaming this weekend. Enjoy your weekend too, MOP readers.
DK, patron: This week I cut back on the variety of games while still adding a new thing or two. I stopped into Grand Theft Auto Online for the free 250k coming at the end of the month, hit up the static session of Divinity: Original Sin 2 and made good progress (and had some really good battles with epic combos), hit up some casual Heroes of the Storm, stopped into Space Engineers to watch my buddies’ progress on their asteroid base, and may get into some Avernum 3 as well as the Sea of Thieves stress test. Staxel is also calling my name; we’re considering a big guild play together for that, which might be nice.