WRUP: Your drunken incoherent uncle explains how to speedrun the game he calls “Metroid Florb” edition

This is a metroid

Firssa godda get yer meproid inna box. Inna box. Whassa box have a good day, makin big trinna time have Kate get yer car… dog? Wherrumi. Whaddya wanna be callin meproid? Thassa game gots the… the lady. With a gun. Did I ever tellya how yer aunt tryta kiss the… whaddyacall… the… singy guy? He had a name like… Brian. Fuggin Brian. Sweartagawd Brian stole my wife van. Hadda nice van. Y’ever buy a really nice van? Whassa metroid? That sounds faken stuff. Gimme that controller Bobby-Joe. Uncle… Uncle me gonna do the speedrun. Imma video nerd.

Lemme tell ya thassa woman, Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby, dya like womans? Sokay iffa don’t. Wait. Are you Bobby? Wassa time Bobby could be a girl name. Gonna throw up in the oven now, Bobby. Run the metroids n’shoot ’em with your arm thingy. Y’can do the fast run on that platform. I’mma world record holder. Oh god Maureen I’m so sorry.

Note: Your uncle actually is listed as the record holder for 100% NMG Metroid Florb. Let us know about it in What Are You Playing.

Bonus question: What’s your least favorite social media platform on a whole?

Andrew Ross (@dengarsw): Obviously the exercise games are gonna be needed (curse you holiday/winter weight gains!), but Splatoon 3 will get some attention to help prep for the upcoming chocolate-themed Splatfest. I have some clogs that fit the theme well! Pokemon Violet may get a little less attention just because you can recycle the main attacker from last round and use neutral support picks to get the job done, but at the same time, I’m seeing people who never participated in raids before suddenly joining in… and really should read a guide before doing so, ugh.

It’s gotta be a tie between anything owned by Zukerburg and TikTok. It’s all just glorified ads and marketing, and market research for the most part, right?

Andy McAdams: I’ve got a busier weekend, so I’m not sure how much playtime I’ll get, but what time I do have will likely go to World of Warcraft. Maybe a 4X game because I’m still feeling the urge there. We’ll have to see.

I don’t do much social media anymore, but if I had to pick one or two to avoid like the plague it would TikTok because its very suspect data collection practices, and who has access to that data once it’s collected. You are giving up exponentially more than you think you when use TikTok. Instagram also tops my “never-use” list because of the horrendous data collection practices from Meta (as much as I like looking at pictures). I haven’t really used Facebook outside of responding to events for years, and deleted my Twitter (which was my favorite social network) after Musk turned it into a dumpster fire full of port-o-potties. A good rule of thumb though for any social network. Never install the app. Seriously. Don’t do it. You don’t need it. Promise.

Ben Griggs (@braxwolf): I shall be attempting to live longer than 60 seconds in Hell Let Loose. Also there’s this thing called the NFL playoffs and while I know it’s not cool for MMO players to enjoy sports, that’s what I’ll be doing Sunday.

I have so many least favorite social media platforms it’s probably just easier to say the one that doesn’t bother me. Mastodon, because I only follow about ten people and I can trust them not to boost something stupid or get all riled up about the cause du jour.

Brianna Royce (@nbrianna, blog): I’ll be in Lord of the Rings Online again, still making my way through Gondor. I keep having the urge to play City of Heroes again too, but I think I’ll put a pin in that for now. I’d really like to keep pushing this hobbit to the end so I have a toon at cap. (That’s less because of bragging rights and more because I use her to funnel crafting mats down the chain, and I’ll feel less bad about finally using the boosters taking up space in my bank on alts).

I’ve been able to cut Instagram and Tiktok out of my life entirely without missing a single thing. Unfortunately, the platforms I still gotta use for work are mostly still terrible (and getting worse every day).

Chris Neal (@wolfyseyes, blog): Now that I’ve unlocked every achievement in Vampire Survivors, I think my brain will let me play setting different at last. To that end, there is gil to be made in Final Fantasy XIV, there are minerals to be harvested in Elite: Dangerous, and there’s some progress to be attempted through Guild Wars 2: Path of Fire; my time in the original is making me miss the sequel that much more.

This is going to sound a bit unremarkable and uninspired, but the major social media platforms have all lost their luster and cutting them away from my general headspace has been a vast improvement in my mental health. These days I’m mostly on Mastodon and I find myself wanting to do more writing on my own blog and in general. Imagine that; removing toxic distractions renews one’s drive and focus!

Eliot Lefebvre (@Eliot_Lefebvre, blog): Some time spent in FFXIV since the most recent patch is still pretty… well, recent. That seems like a gimme. Otherwise I’m just going to work on relaxing and having fun, since this weekend I don’t feel like death warmed over and I have so many fun games to play.

Most days I just miss LiveJournal. I miss any social media platform where it was okay to be ugly, I kind of need those. Sure, being ugly makes me less deserving of being treated like a human being, but let me at least pretend that’s not true for like half an hour every day? Anyway for all those reasons Instagram is probably the worst.

Justin Olivetti (@Sypster, blog): My big weekend gaming goal is to fully wrap up Deshaan in The Elder Scrolls Online – quests, delves, skyshards, the works – and start in on a new area. I’ve also entered into Central Gondor in Lord of the Rings Online and am working through a tricky mystery with my daughter in The Case of the Golden Idol.

Sam Kash (@thesamkash): I’m playing a couple of different card games. After playing Heroish last week and a couple of IRL games, I’ve got a little bit of an itch to scratch.

Bonus: I think Facebook is least favorite. I just don’t care for it at all.

Tyler Edwards (blog): I just started on Ghostwire: Tokyo, so probably more of that.

Bonus question: Tiktok feels like the distilled essence of everything wrong with the digital age.

Every Saturday, join the Massively OP community and staff for What Are You Playing, our roundup of what MMORPGs and other games we’re hoping to play this weekend (with a bonus question or two for our amusement). Tell us what you’re up to! Go off-topic! And don’t forget to have fun!
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