While many MMORPG players would (and probably have) beat up on the fluffiest of lambs and the cutest of otters if a loot table was attached, game designers know that we feel somewhat more heroic smashing mobs that are clearly asking for it.
If you react to a monster with “kill it! kill it with fire!” you are not as likely to feel compassion and suffer from psychological distress. Hence the following 10 mob types that MMOs throw at us whilst knowing that we don’t feel bad murdering their faces.
Zombies
That uncanny valley, am I right? We simply have no sympathy for the formerly living when they decide to return in a decaying format, looking for soft pink brains on which to snack. Heck, putting a zombie back into the ground feels like a public service of the highest order. Not even the most bleeding heart nature-loving Druid is going to shed a single tear that you pile-drove Jason Vorhees six feet under.
Spiders
While I have known a few people who are fond of these stalwart arachnids, the general consensus is that the only good spider is one that is smooshed repeatedly with a shoe. The hilariously bigger versions in MMOs — all of which ignore the actual weight of oversized exoskeletons — trigger that same response. Only our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man sheds a tear for the work we do in this regard.
Orcs and goblins
This is more of a category that I call “lumpy, ugly green dudes that look like gym bullies.” Take some people, paint them an unnatural color, give them protruding teeth and some forehead bumps, and they become a target for our wrath. Perhaps we picture that day that hulking Jimmy pantsed us in band class in front of our crush. It’s time for some vicarious revenge!
Bears
Bears terrify me. Honestly, I think they should terrify everyone. They’re like nature’s end boss, and if it weren’t for high-powered rifles, they would be ruling the world right now. Sure, they’re laughably weaker in MMOs than they should be, but it does help to confront one’s fear by plowing through packs of Yogis and Smokeys.
Slimes
One of the oldest species of RPG monsters, slimes, slugs, and anything gelatinous are steadfast punching bags for the timid lowbie. My general rule of thumb is that I’m not going to feel too sorry for something that would make a huge mess of my carpet or that lacks any bones whatsoever. Squishy things beg to be squished.
Kobolds
Long the punching bag of level 1 roleplayers, kobolds are the kind of fantasy creature that exist only to be put out of their misery. They’re ugly, they don’t have much of a life, and they’re not going to threaten your ascent to stardom. It’s almost like they have a “KICK ME AND USE ME AS A STEPPING STONE” sign plastered on their back.
Any boss over 10 feet tall
Has anyone ever paused to consider how strange it is that all of these dungeons and raids are solely populated by homicidal hulking bosses that exist only to try to murder your face? We don’t even consider whether they have lives apart from their dungeon 9 to 5 job, or hobbies, or families. We just know that they’re bigger than we are, and that means we have to cut them down to size. We’re definitely not working out any childhood issues!
Anything with a catchphrase
Mouthy mobs draw our attention and fixate our obsession as we mow through them. Either we find their repeated catchphrases adorable and want to be continually exposed to them, or we grow to hate those verbal quips and use them as excuse to terminate with extreme prejudice. Zowiee!
Anything from the sea
I feel comfortable making this blanket statement because other than Odd Jimmy over there, no one ever feels that cuddly toward something dredged up from the ocean. Shark-people, murlocs, mermen, rogue octopuses, stingrays, jellyfish, cuttlefish — nobody’s going to have any compunctions against making sushi with a pair of large katana blades.
Boars
No, not bears, I already covered those. I’m talking about the hairy pigs with tusks. They’re like the blandest entries in the animal kingdom according to MMOs, practically non-entities that garner no sympathy and present no great threat. If we think about them at all, it’s in anticipation of a bacon-and-ham breakfast (perhaps with pork sausage). Die, piggy, die.
Everyone likes a good list, and we are no different! Perfect Ten takes an MMO topic and divvies it up into 10 delicious, entertaining, and often informative segments for your snacking pleasure. Got a good idea for a list? Email us at justin@massivelyop.com or eliot@massivelyop.com with the subject line “Perfect Ten.”
