wrup

WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: Camp in a lake of fire edition

Go camp in a lake of fire. Go find a lake of fire and camp there. Not on the shore, on the lake itself. Further in. Stop standing around and go camp in a lake of fire. Don’t bother with sleeping bags, you’ll be perfectly warm because it’s fire. It’ll clean out your… pores… and stuff.

Oh, heck, I just can’t do this any more. I don’t know what I’m even trying to accomplish any longer. You’ve all put up with years of bad advice and completely untrue facts from each and every week of What Are You Playing, ever since I asked Bree to give it back to me because I like doing it, but now it’s just ridiculous. It’s totally unmoored. I’ve got nothing more to base it upon.

You can tell us what you’re up to in the comments down below. Next week, we’ll just go back to fully educational programming with completely factual information about the monarch butterfly.

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WRUP: A brief and entirely incorrect history of CCGs edition

The first CCG (which originally stood for “Concerted Card Gouging” but was later changed to “Collectible Card Game” after the Great Acronym Wars of ’97) was created in 1835 when Abraham Lincoln handed out what were then called “freedom cards” to British soldiers still fighting a very confused portion of the French and Indian War. This game, which was called Robot Punch-Town for reasons unknown to anyone else, was later the cause of a time-traveling British man giving Frank Lloyd Wright a firearm to shoot Lincoln. Said gun was pawned off on another guy, Booth or Boots or Brook something, I don’t remember.

The world’s most popular CCG is Magic: the Gathering, which was created by Richard Garfield in the hopes of eventually being elected president due to the little-known Card Game Rule of presidential succession. The rule states that if at the beginning of the draw step the sitting president is unable to spend at least two colorless mana, they must relinquish the presidency. Fortunately, all presidents have sideboarded in Protection from Constitutional Chicanery, which requires 1 life to avoid being unseated. This is why Nixon was not impeached.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this string of ridiculous facts which in no way resemble truth. Down below is What Are You Playing, which may be as truthful as you like. Also, Counterspell should never have been costed at two blue mana.

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WRUP: Is your house robot-proof edition

Is your house robot-proof, dear reader? No. No, it isn’t. Of course it isn’t! You have never given a single thought to robot-proofing your house! You didn’t robot-proof your home at all. You are like a walking buffet to any robot who wants to enter your home and be a robot. That robot could enter your home and… do robot things.

Look, it’s not a question of what the robot would be doing. Maybe the robot in question would clean your house. But, like, really badly. Maybe the robot would clean your house by smashing dishes. Do you like your dishes? Because this hypothetical robot would smash them. If you don’t like your dishes, assume that the robot would smash something you do like. Your boyfriend, maybe. Your DVDs. Copies of the album “Smash” by The Offspring.

Robot-proof your home, reader! Why is your home not robot-proofed now? I suppose you can take the time to read our entries in this week’s What Are You Playing and let us know what you’re playing down in the comments, but do it quickly. The robots aren’t going to wait forever! Unless they are.

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WRUP: Pamela, my love edition

Pamela, my love! I wrote you this missive on this “web-site” so that everyone may see it, especially the numerous men whose homes you have broken into for the purposes of armed and nonsensical assault. I fear I cannot contain my love for you any longer, and indeed my loins have burned for you ever since I set them aflame at the Fifteenth Annual Loin Immolation as Proof of Romantic Ardor Competition in Newark in December. Which, I might note, I really would have won if not for that guy with the flamethrower codpiece.

In short, I can no longer contain myself, and I fear that I may find myself overwhelmed by love for you in the near future. If this happens, Pamela, my love, if I can no longer keep my love for you caged within my breast, I wish you to know that it’s your fault, I completely blame you, and when they find me at my writing-desk they will know that it’s your fault. You will get the chair this time. Farewell, Pamela!

Note: for the entertainment of those assembled, a brief section known as “What Are You Playing” shall follow a brief intermission. Your entries are welcomed below, &c.

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WRUP: Pace out the halls of your lineage edition

Picture a moment in time, if you will. Imagine it as a place, as a thing with structure. That point is fixed in space and time both – that place you are picturing, frozen indelibly in the structure of that moment. But if you could step back to that moment, would it be the same location? If you could explore that moment with everything you are now, would it still be the same as it was?

The answer, obviously, is no. That memory, that structure in your mind, includes you as one of the fixed points it uses for a reference. Alter yourself in some way – by maturity, by growth, by more profound changes – and the thing itself expands in new direction. No matter how you might fix yourself and your memories in time, even your memory of those places is predicated on a small lie, on the lie we tell ourselves that we are the same now as we were then.

Also, it’s time for What Are You Playing. Joke! Everybody laughs.

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WRUP: The costumer’s lament

With all of the antics that have gone on in my life over the last week alone, I somehow forgot that my random alliance crates in Star Wars: The Old Republic yielded exactly the chestpiece I wanted for my main. Her outfit is exactly where I want it to be, aside from possibly playing with colors over the next few forevers. Meanwhile, the next patch for Final Fantasy XIV includes a bunch of new costume options, so I’m going to have to decide whether or not those mess with my existing outfits…

This is the peril of playing games and focusing upon costuming. When you do so, you wind up focusing chiefly upon, well, costumes. Playing dress-up. Looking pretty. It’s fun and all, but you wind up forever in a state of style shock. Is that what you’re going to be playing this weekend, a fantasy version of America’s Next Top Model? Because you can let us know in this week’s installment of What Are You Playing. Seriously, we’d love to know.

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WRUP: Entropic triage edition

This week, I got some good news on Tuesday and Monday, but most of the week has been things breaking. My car has issues with what I suspect to be her exhaust system. My computer’s power supply went out (at least, that seems to be the problem, I’m making sure). A Lego kit my wife assembled fell and one of the pieces went missing. Little things, solvable things, but still part and parcel with a life of entropic triage.

I’m using that term from now on, because that’s what life is. It’s continuous and ongoing. Things break all the time, because they always break, because you can’t stop things from breaking. All you can do is consistently scramble to keep things from being too badly damaged. You put a patch on the most immediate problem and hope it holds so that you get a few days of nothing being actively broken.

Which is kind of a depressing thought, but the world includes cats, so it can’t be all bad. And I’m sure you have weekend plans that you’d like to share in this week’s What Are You Playing beneath the accounts from myself and my fellow Massively Overpowered writers. Whatever is going to break can wait until that’s done.

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WRUP: Things I am afraid of edition

Rottweilers left in a yard without proper leads who are trained to jump, growl, and bark. The idea that there is a secret second Pope out there who is conducting unknowable secret papal business. Spiders. Really big spiders creeping into my home. The thought that if there were actually spiders which piloted humans around like giant robots, we would be told exactly the same thing as if those sorts of spiders didn’t exist. Loud noises. Not being home when the kitties get scared.

Being fundamentally unlovable. Getting an asymptomatic ailment that is getting progressively worse without treatment which I won’t realize until it’s too late. Knives. Needles. The fundamental sinking assertion that my life as it has been lived is a testament to wasted potential and I’m going to wind up homeless, that every indulgence means I deserve to die alone and unloved in a gutter. Loud motorcycles ridden by actual bikers (not dentists in Harley Davidson jackets).

Coming up with What Are You Playing introductions that walk the line between weird, morbid, and just plain unsettling. Sitar music. Centipedes.

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WRUP: Marvelous true facts about something other than bees edition

Today, we’re going to reveal some marvelous true facts about – wait, what the heck is going on with that header? What is this? I specifically said that this week was supposed to be about something other than bees. I am tired of writing this column to try and compete with Weekly Bee Talk. Just once I want to reveal some facts about something other than bees.

No, I can’t just “work around it.” I can’t ignore that header image. It’s bees. It’s covered in bees. Everything there is visibly affected by bees. I have other interests! None that I want to talk about here now, though, because apparently when I try to do something other than reveal more facts about bees, everyone loses it and I have to still talk about bees.

Forget it, I’m done. Someone else can write the What Are You Playing intros from now on. Good luck finding someone to be your automatic bee-fact monkey. Leave your own astonishing bee-related facts in the comments or tell us what you’re playing, I don’t care. Whatever.

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WRUP: Accidentally making Optimus Prime edition

It will probably come as no surprise to those of you reading that I’ve been taking part in a weekly tabletop roleplaying game for the past several months, but that ended this past Wednesday. Ended with a fun and fitting conclusion, yes, but still ended. I am a bit unsure about how I ended up turning my character into Optimus Prime, however. Yes, I made a sentient golem as part of the setting, but my goal there was more about having a character without clearly defined gender cues. What I actually wound up doing was leading an entire movement of fellow automatons seeking freedom from the long-diluted bloodline that created us.

Also, we set a lot of places on fire, but that wasn’t really ever my fault.

Obviously, that is not something I’m playing this weekend. I’m playing something else. So is the rest of the Massively Overpowered staff, and being as this is our weekly installment of What Are You Playing, we’re going to tell you what we’re playing. And then, if you would be so kind, you can tell us what you’re playing down in the comments. Seriously, it’s always cool to see.

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WRUP: Breaking up with memes edition

Look, memes, there’s… there’s no easy way to say this, but I think we’re done. We’ve had some really good times. The whole “All Your Base” thing was a huge part of my time in college, and some of our shared experiences have been great. And I’m always going to care about you, you know that. But lately, half of the things you do are just stuff related to the astrological signs – you know I hate that – and the other stuff is just… not funny. It’s never been funny. It’s like you thought you peaked with “arrow to the knee” and you didn’t get how dumb that was.

I’m sorry. It’s over. I can’t do this any longer. I’m going to move on, and I hope that you’ll respect my need for space right now. Maybe you can get some inspiration from this week’s What Are You Playing, in which the Massively Overpowered crew (and our lovely patrons) let you know what we’ll be up to over the weekend. Just… let’s have some space. And if you go back to cats one day, maybe… no, even then. I think I need to say goodbye, memes. You can has breakup.

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WRUP: Recidivist edition

I was clean. I had been clean for a very long time. Considering my general feelings toward Star Wars as a whole and the amount of time that had elapsed, I was pretty much completely certain that I was done with Star Wars: The Old Republic for good. And then I went and saw the new movie, and now… well, here we go again. Back in the game all over again.

If you want my spoiler-free review of the new movie, just go see it already. I’ve already seen it twice.

Of course, the game we’re all playing right now is What Are You Playing, wherein the small number of Massively Overpowered staffers not sleeping off holiday and New Year’s binging let you know what we’re playing this weekend while you let us know what you’re doing down in the comments. That’s still technically recidivism, but we go back to this game every weekend. It’s not unusual.

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WRUP: You think this is an effing game edition

Do you think this is a game? Do you think this is a game? This is real life, people. This is important. It’s important to let people know that sometimes the things you think are just games are actually super important and the things that people think are not games are totally games. Also, it’s important to argue over the definition of “game” and “not game” endlessly until people no longer want to argue with you, and you can then count that as a win even if the reason they no longer want to argue is because it no longer matters at all because you are being super annoying.

This week’s What Are You Playing is totally a game, though. It’s a game that most of us forgot to play because some holiday or another happened. Let us know what else you’re playing this weekend down in the comments!

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