WRUP. It stands for “what are you playing.” That’s it. Answer the question! [Follow this feature’s RSS feed]

WRUP: Talk to your children about the X-Files edition

The world moves ever onward, and pretty soon you’re going to need to think about how you’re going to discuss The X-Files with your children. There’s a temptation to shirk the responsibility, but if your kids don’t hear it from you, they’ll hear it from your drunken sibling at Thanksgiving.

Sit your child down and explain that when a man whose name rhymes with “Fish Smarter” loves the US government very much but also hates the US government very much, sometimes he proposes a show to a network willing to take a chance on crazy crap. Tell them that sometimes it turns out that the lead actors have a lot of chemistry despite the overarching plot being nonsense, and try to make it clear that the show existed at a time when people felt as if the United States had so few remaining enemies that it had to fight itself, like a prize fighter punching a mirror.

You can let us know when you’ll talk about this with your children down in the comments, or you can just take part in What Are You Playing. Or you can explain to us why Gillian Anderson looks even more gorgeous now than she did then while David Duchovny is slowly aging into an ambulatory thumb. That’s the real unsolved case for you.
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WRUP: The MOP album track listing edition

Before the album comes out, check out the full track listing for our debut album, Straight Outta Co-Opted Culture.

  1. Hello (skit)
  2. How Did We Get Here (skit)
  3. No, This Is Not A Skit, I Do Not Remember Agreeing To This (skit)
  4. Open PvP featuring Pitbull featuring Alternate Universe Pitbull featuring An Actual Pitbull, no, like we just brought a dog into the studio and he was supposed to bark but then he just got sleepy and affectionate so we spent a bunch of time petting him
  5. I Am Afraid Of Dogs (skit)
  6. Gold Farmin featuring Eazy-E, wait he’s dead, this guy looks just like him and he said he was Eazy-E, I’m pretty sure it was him featuring An extremely angry Dr. Dre traveling forward from 1994 featuring Nat King Cole
  7. (Level) Capped featuring the entirety of the 1974 Yes album “Relayer” as a sample featuring A dial-up modem
  8. Who Wants To Get Lunch (skit)
  9. Just Playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas For Half An Hour (skit)
  10. PST featuring J-Reazy featuring No, I’m J-Reazy, That Guy Is Inkumbent featuring The Wu-Tang Clan Punching You In The Face If You Did Not Pay Seven Million Dollars For One Album featuring D.R. Mock and J@lad
  11. What Are You Playing featuring your weekend plans in the comments.
  12. Money (skit)


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WRUP: Congratulations to the winners of a personal deathtrap and their next of kin edition

Back in July of last year, we promised our dear What Are You Playing readers that they would be entered to win a personal deathtrap. You might have remembered it, but you might have also assumed that we wouldn’t actually go through with it. I mean, would we promise to award a deathtrap to someone and then forget about it?

The answer is yes, we apparently would. We completely forgot about it. We’ve been letting kids from the local school sneak down and use the deathtrap and then hanging signs warning them not to use the deathtrap to fend off lawsuits. But then we remembered why we even had that deathtrap.

So, congratulations to the winner of a personal deathtrap! More importantly, congratulations to the winner’s next of kin, which appears to be Mrs. Sally-Mae LaPorte of Flushing, MI. Those of you who are not part of her family should feel free to let us know your plans over the weekend in the comments; we are hoping that Mrs. LaPorte will tell us in the comments when services are to be held for the deathtrap winner.

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WRUP: Don’t tell me how to do things edition

Listen, there are things you don’t need to tell me how to do. Don’t tell me how to raise my kids. I don’t have any, so that’s an academic topic, but if that ever changes, I still don’t want to be told. Also, don’t tell me how extensively I’m screwing up my kids. Don’t tell me how to double-jump; I want to figure it out. I have theories. Don’t tell me how to dance. Don’t tell me that this isn’t the kind of concert with dancing. Don’t tell me how to keep the beat. Don’t tell me that the police will arrest me if I fail to keep the beat; I’d prefer to be surprised.

Don’t tell me how bad I smell; I already know. Do feel free to give me deodorant, though. Don’t tell me how to write nonsense headers for What Are You Playing. Don’t tell me the end of Game of Thrones; I don’t care about spoilers, but I also don’t care about the plot. Don’t ever tell me what I can’t do, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow, and don’t tell me about the Transformers. I probably already know.

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WRUP: Purely genuine life advice edition

When dealing with failure, ask yourself what you did wrong first – you don’t have control over anyone else’s actions, and this will allow you greater insight. Don’t accept easy answers, but ask why things are the way they are, including your own beliefs. Examine everything with care, then re-examine it, and pause every so often to make sure that the causes you once supported are not more toxic than you realize. Go into every disagreement prepared to be wrong, because being wrong is how you learn. There is no shame in not knowing something, only in being taught something and choosing to ignore it to avoid looking foolish.

If someone hurts you, remember that you don’t reduce pain by inflicting more pain. Try not to shout so that people remember your words instead of your volume, but don’t take that as justification for being shouted down. Try not to live by simple principles; life is complex, and simple axioms usually present a straightforward way of dealing with the world that doesn’t fully grasp the nuance. Spend your time with people who treat your feelings as legitimate, but always ask yourself first if your feelings are legitimate. Dig. Don’t let dualities define your thinking. Remember that complex problems have complex solutions and causes. Try things with the knowledge that we regret failure less than we regret missed opportunities.

I know, you’re waiting for the joke. You can offer your own in this week’s What Are You Playing comments. You should avoid doing the same thing all of the time; no one changes by doing more of the same.

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WRUP: Never been to BotCon edition

Transformer fans have been informed that this year’s BotCon will be the final BotCon in in this particular form. What that means for the future is as of yet unclear; what it definitely means is that a tradition that’s been going in one form or another since 1994 is coming to an end. And for me, it’s a kind of bittersweet note, because I’ve never actually been to BotCon despite having been an ardent Transformers fan for most of my life.

This isn’t entirely unsurprising; I’ve never been one for conventions or for crowds in general, and every year the cost of attending the show has just gotten higher. Still, it’s a big thing for me, and on some level I suppose I always thought it would be there forever. Of course, I was also never willing to drop several hundred dollars on toys, no matter how much I might like the individual decos of those toys. Perhaps it’s for the best.

Anyhow, personal natterings aside, it’s time for this week’s What Are You Playing; let us know what you’re doing in the comments below!

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WRUP: The story of Frank and his beard edition

Frank was born in the middle of April at 5:27 p.m., widely agreed by experts to be the stupidest part of the year. Despite this fact, Frank was coddled by his parents, and grew to be an absolute moron who couldn’t find his own rear end with both hands and a detailed map, and yet somehow he still managed to wind up dating Deborah despite the fact that she was an absolute genius and gorgeous and could do so much better than Frank, who was the human equivalent of a landfill for dumping duck carcasses.

Frank, because he is so stupid that he could drown in a half-inch puddle of water while wearing a scuba mask, decided to then grow a beard. His beard could best be described as what it would look like if Albert Einstein’s hair was a beard and also attached to a horrible stupid man with the mental activity of cow manure, and Deborah left him. Hope your stupid beard keeps you warm through the winter, Frank!

We hope you’ve enjoyed this week’s narrative preamble before What Are You Playing. Check out what we’re doing down below, and let us know what you’re up to in the comments. Also feel free to talk about how Frank is stupid.
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WRUP: Facts about the Luna Moth edition

The luna moth (Actias luna) is a moth with a wingspan of up to 4.5 inches, making it one of the largest moths found in North America. It is part of the family Saturniidae, subfamily Saturniinae. They live up to seven days and product one generation of offspring per year. They are notable both for their size and their distinct green coloration and are commonly found east of the Great Plains. Larval moths have a variety of diets based upon their home regions.

Luna moths have never once served on the Supreme Court of the United States of America, nor have any of them attempted to fist-fight the president. Due to their short lifespan, they have been called “the airplanes that are on fire and also crashing of the insect air world” by a variety of insane individuals with names like Simon. Simon lives in northeastern Rhode Island and perpetually smells like rotten cheese. He did not contribute to What Are You Playing, which may be found below.

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WRUP: Camp in a lake of fire edition

Go camp in a lake of fire. Go find a lake of fire and camp there. Not on the shore, on the lake itself. Further in. Stop standing around and go camp in a lake of fire. Don’t bother with sleeping bags, you’ll be perfectly warm because it’s fire. It’ll clean out your… pores… and stuff.

Oh, heck, I just can’t do this any more. I don’t know what I’m even trying to accomplish any longer. You’ve all put up with years of bad advice and completely untrue facts from each and every week of What Are You Playing, ever since I asked Bree to give it back to me because I like doing it, but now it’s just ridiculous. It’s totally unmoored. I’ve got nothing more to base it upon.

You can tell us what you’re up to in the comments down below. Next week, we’ll just go back to fully educational programming with completely factual information about the monarch butterfly.

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WRUP: A brief and entirely incorrect history of CCGs edition

The first CCG (which originally stood for “Concerted Card Gouging” but was later changed to “Collectible Card Game” after the Great Acronym Wars of ’97) was created in 1835 when Abraham Lincoln handed out what were then called “freedom cards” to British soldiers still fighting a very confused portion of the French and Indian War. This game, which was called Robot Punch-Town for reasons unknown to anyone else, was later the cause of a time-traveling British man giving Frank Lloyd Wright a firearm to shoot Lincoln. Said gun was pawned off on another guy, Booth or Boots or Brook something, I don’t remember.

The world’s most popular CCG is Magic: the Gathering, which was created by Richard Garfield in the hopes of eventually being elected president due to the little-known Card Game Rule of presidential succession. The rule states that if at the beginning of the draw step the sitting president is unable to spend at least two colorless mana, they must relinquish the presidency. Fortunately, all presidents have sideboarded in Protection from Constitutional Chicanery, which requires 1 life to avoid being unseated. This is why Nixon was not impeached.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this string of ridiculous facts which in no way resemble truth. Down below is What Are You Playing, which may be as truthful as you like. Also, Counterspell should never have been costed at two blue mana.

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WRUP: Is your house robot-proof edition

Is your house robot-proof, dear reader? No. No, it isn’t. Of course it isn’t! You have never given a single thought to robot-proofing your house! You didn’t robot-proof your home at all. You are like a walking buffet to any robot who wants to enter your home and be a robot. That robot could enter your home and… do robot things.

Look, it’s not a question of what the robot would be doing. Maybe the robot in question would clean your house. But, like, really badly. Maybe the robot would clean your house by smashing dishes. Do you like your dishes? Because this hypothetical robot would smash them. If you don’t like your dishes, assume that the robot would smash something you do like. Your boyfriend, maybe. Your DVDs. Copies of the album “Smash” by The Offspring.

Robot-proof your home, reader! Why is your home not robot-proofed now? I suppose you can take the time to read our entries in this week’s What Are You Playing and let us know what you’re playing down in the comments, but do it quickly. The robots aren’t going to wait forever! Unless they are.

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WRUP: Pamela, my love edition

Pamela, my love! I wrote you this missive on this “web-site” so that everyone may see it, especially the numerous men whose homes you have broken into for the purposes of armed and nonsensical assault. I fear I cannot contain my love for you any longer, and indeed my loins have burned for you ever since I set them aflame at the Fifteenth Annual Loin Immolation as Proof of Romantic Ardor Competition in Newark in December. Which, I might note, I really would have won if not for that guy with the flamethrower codpiece.

In short, I can no longer contain myself, and I fear that I may find myself overwhelmed by love for you in the near future. If this happens, Pamela, my love, if I can no longer keep my love for you caged within my breast, I wish you to know that it’s your fault, I completely blame you, and when they find me at my writing-desk they will know that it’s your fault. You will get the chair this time. Farewell, Pamela!

Note: for the entertainment of those assembled, a brief section known as “What Are You Playing” shall follow a brief intermission. Your entries are welcomed below, &c.

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WRUP: Pace out the halls of your lineage edition

Picture a moment in time, if you will. Imagine it as a place, as a thing with structure. That point is fixed in space and time both – that place you are picturing, frozen indelibly in the structure of that moment. But if you could step back to that moment, would it be the same location? If you could explore that moment with everything you are now, would it still be the same as it was?

The answer, obviously, is no. That memory, that structure in your mind, includes you as one of the fixed points it uses for a reference. Alter yourself in some way – by maturity, by growth, by more profound changes – and the thing itself expands in new direction. No matter how you might fix yourself and your memories in time, even your memory of those places is predicated on a small lie, on the lie we tell ourselves that we are the same now as we were then.

Also, it’s time for What Are You Playing. Joke! Everybody laughs.

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