Perfect Ten: WoW Classic dungeon reviews courtesy of Azeroth’s Yelp

    
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A note to our readers: This article was written in early October 2019, before Blizzard’s wildly unpopular decision to penalize esports players over a pro-democracy protest. While the exact nature of the future of our Blizzard coverage is something we are still discussing, we are proud of our columnists’ work and do not wish to continue delaying their articles indefinitely, so we’re releasing them this week, including this one. We are not endorsing Blizzard’s recent decisions or actions in doing so.

So, you all know that there’s a Yelp equivalent in World of Warcraft, right? An awful lot of people forget about that, but Yelpcraft is seriously right there. It’s been in the game since beta, which is why you can still look at it and see reviews about how zones would be much better if Paladins had talents and some ancient references to some terrible action star of the 1980s. Can’t remember which one. Dolph Lundgren, probably.

Anyhow, this is also present in WoW Classic, so today I thought I would take a look at the top-rated reviews for several of the game’s dungeons, which are definitely there and very real. You can just take my word for it; there’s no need to make a separate “Yelpcraft” addon for the game to do exactly this. (But if you do, please let me know about it because that would be hilarious.)

1. Ragefire Chasm

3/5 Stars – Good Location, Lacking Otherwise
My friends suggested that we stop by this spot due to its convenient central location, and it is very conveniently located right in the center of Orgrimmar. Very easy to get to and from almost everywhere! Unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about it, as it’s kind of lacking in any other reasons for a visit.

Service is also swift, but the decor is lacking much in a unifying aesthetic, and most of what you can find here could be found almost anywhere else with far less irritation. There’s a general sense of tedium and nothing of note beyond how easy it is to get to. Definitely worth stopping in due to convenience, but you won’t be making repeat trips!

Hey, kids! I bet you thought I was dead!

2. The Deadmines

2/5 Stars – Overhyped
Look, I hate to be the one to say this. People love this place, and to be honest I can see why. It’s popular for a good reason, and especially when it opened it was all a big surprise, transitioning from a mine to a lumberyard to a forge to a big shipyard. That’s a lot going on! But someone has to counterbalance all those four-and-five-star reviews.

So why so low? Well, first of all, the location is awful. Not only is it located near Westfall (a town with no proper nightlife, for the record), it’s at the bottom of a huge amount of nonsense you have to clear away just to walk inside. It’s easy to get lost or killed just arriving here. That’s not a good thing.

Second of all, service is terrible. You take ages to get to that big surprise at the end for no real reason, and once you know about it it’s like you just want to get to that again. But you can’t, you have to wade through nonsense first!

I do appreciate the convenient exit, though.

3. The Stockade

4/5 Stars – Quick And To The Point
Yeah, all of you dungeon hipsters out there are going to say that this place is too mainstream and accessible, but it gets you in, lets you get what you want, and lets you get back out in short order. It’s quick and to the point. What’s not to love? Cry more, hipster.

4. Blackfathom Deeps

5/5 Stars – True Excellence For The Selective Dungeon Enthusiast
It’s so rare to find a place wherein a proper dungeon enthusiast can really explore. So many good places are overrun by the corn-fed masses eager to lap up whatever dregs of mass-market pablum are available, which is why Blackfathom Deeps is the spot for any real enthusiast to check out.

Charmingly tucked away far from any useful hubs and with a sense of no particular questing or guidance, this is a place where you can truly get the sense of exploration because no one feels the need to “speed-run” the dungeon. Indeed, it’ll take you the better part of hours just to find other like-minded souls willing to reject the stifling orthodoxy of the system and truly enjoy this content. But trust me, you will want to set aside the time for this underappreciated gem that most of you probably have never even heard of.

Are we friends yet?

5. Gnomeregan

5/5 – let me in
let me in to clean zone am not leper gnome am fine no contaminatiojn very much want to talk with fellow clean gnomes have grime-encrusted objects you want punchcard?

6. Scarlet Monastery

4/5 – This Is My Jam
Look, I don’t like the undead. They’re bad. But I also don’t like zealots like the Scarlet Crusade. That’s reason enough to enjoy the Monastery, but I like it even more because it’s set up with an easy-to-follow layout that lets you take on part of the challenge or all of it, and it flows nicely from room to room, challenge to challenge, with plenty of interesting and memorable parts throughout. The aesthetic is neat and you really get a sense for who these wackadoodle nutbars are.

Unfortunately, it’s kind of off the beaten path if you’re part of the Alliance, so it’s not always easy to convince people to come here with me. But any time I get the chance, I’m super happy to bring them here.

7. Uldaman

2/5 Stars – Poor Referral
Ugh. I was promisedcomplete experience here when I showed up, but when I got to the end what did I find? Why, that the rest of the story is in some other place called Uldum, and that doesn’t even have hours listed on it. I’ve already complained to the manager and I expect it to open any time now; I am sure it will be a satisfying conclusion.

Stoners.

8. Maraudon

4/5 Stars – This Place Rocks
Do you get it? Little earth elemental humor there. Anyhow, this is a fun place for anyone who happens to be around this area, and because of timing it’s likely that a lot of people will wind up around just by accident. I really like horses so I feel bad for Therazane but I guess she kind of had it coming? To be honest I zoned out partway through but there was a cool waterfall in there and I had fun.

9. Blackrock Depths

0/5 Stars – Help This Place Is Awful
I agreed to go here because even though it was well off the beaten path and it didn’t have decor I liked, it seemed like something novel. I’ve now been here for 48 straight hours. I haven’t seen the rest of my party in at least a day. My time is spent hiding in the Grim Guzzler, which seems like it’s one spilled drink away from a bar brawl that will murder me, the rest of my party (wherever they are), and probably every other living being within a mile of this mountain. Everything is covered in lava. The whole place smells like molten rock, smoke, metal, and the sort of rancid body odor that comes from living in a place covered in molten rock and metal. Everyone thinks that everything is fine here. The party leader tells me that they’re almost to where I am.

I don’t even know where I am any more. I don’t know if there is anything outside of this bar. I don’t know if there’s a final boss. We’ve killed seven things that supposedly were named and marked targets but it just keeps going. Please let me go home. Please let me go home.

10. Dire Maul

1/5 Stars – Hours Are Totally Wrong
Came by because thirsty but the place still hasn’t opened and I’m still stuck here waiting. Please help me out I need to be able to conjure water. I am so thirsty right now.

Everyone likes a good list, and we are no different! Perfect Ten takes an MMO topic and divvies it up into 10 delicious, entertaining, and often informative segments for your snacking pleasure. Got a good idea for a list? Email us at justin@massivelyop.com or eliot@massivelyop.com with the subject line “Perfect Ten.”

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Bryan Correll

Huge spoiler for those you don’t agree with the opinions above:

Spoiler
The views expressed are not Elliot’s. They are the joke views of imaginary people posting to yelp for dungeons. Though one may be Elliot’s alternate personality.

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Bryan Correll

Stratholme
0/5 – there wer 5 us in the prty but ony 1 moumt droppd frum boss? why every1 not get a mount? this needs to fixed asap

Reader
Annoyed badger

Blackrock depths is the pinnacle of MMORPG dungeons> It has never been ecplised in the years since it was released.

It felt like an actual city, a proper raid by your party into a wider community with lots of different stories and events going on around you.

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Bruno Brito

r/Woosh

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Kickstarter Donor
zeko_rena

I always thought BRD was an absolutely amazing dungeon, partly because it was not a generic boring one way path

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styopa

LOL just about every dungeon I’d give it the opposite rating you did.
So it pretty much is just like Yelp.

Reader
Doubleplusgood

I am surprised you considered Blackfathom Deeps a place “wherein a proper dungeon enthusiast can really explore. ” While you gave Blackrock Depths a zero out of ten. I think BRD should be considered the ultimate dungeon to explore instead! BRD is a massive underground city. But I do agree its very easy to get lost and can be considered overly long for some.

mystwen
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mystwen

This is hilarious. I am glad you decided to publish it.

I’ve now been here for 48 hours straight.

LMAO