Destiny 2’s Pop-Tarts and energy drink promo is everything wrong with this industry

Don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine! This is not a joke: ActiBlizz just sent ’round a press release announcing a partnership with Rockstar energy drinks and poptarts, which I’ve just learned is actually properly formatted as Pop-Tarts. This was important enough that it needed to invade my inbox, and by god, I’m going to make sure you’re informed of this critical partnership development too.

“Destiny 2’s international collaboration with Rockstar Energy Drink includes limited edition ‘Destiny 2 themed’ cans in different flavors available in the U.S. and Canada, U.K. and Germany. The U.S. flavors are Original, Punched, and Zero Carb. Canada flavors include: Original, Punched and Burner. The U.K. flavors include: Original, Punched Guava, and XDurance. The Germany program features flavors: Original and Sugar Free.”

For some reason we all need different flavors? Guava? What? “Score loot with cans!” No!

“The U.S. partnership with Pop-Tarts® will fuel players’ Destiny 2 gaming experience by offering XP Boost, free with purchase of specially-marked packages of Pop-Tarts®.** In addition to this limited time offer, Pop-Tarts® will feature custom-designed, collectable packs highlighting each Guardian Subclass.”

In case you were suddenly feeling a tad peckish: Please don’t eat nothing but Pop-Tarts and energy drinks while playing Destiny 2.

“In collaboration with Rockstar Energy Drink and Pop-Tarts®, we chose strategic, renowned lifestyle partners in major markets to bring the Destiny 2 universe to life,” said Byron Beede, Sr. Vice President of Product Management. “We’re bringing these partners together to complement the overwhelming excitement of Destiny 2’s launch with benefits that reward players both inside and outside of the universe.”

No. Stoppit.