For some reason, New World does not have mounts. This is obviously not the only thing that the game lacks, as it also lacks basic things like a minimap or swimming or a build that doesn’t have horrible duping bugs, but mounts are a pretty obvious thing. Every game should have mounts because the first time a human being looks upon a thing with four legs that can move faster our instinct is to catch that thing and ride it.
Of course, at this point the game is going to really need to go all-out with mounts to make this work. As mentioned, the game has some problems (look back at that first line) and so it really shouldn’t just have the stock-standard mounts. Sure, you could add the usual horses and donkeys and mules and zebras and unicorns and anything else that has four legs, hooves, and a back to ride on, but let’s go for broke, huh? I’ve even included ideal mount music for all of these mounts because Amazon is loaded and can afford the licensing fees.
1. A horse that rides you and you just run faster
Today it is… the horse day. Seriously, this would be a nice way to mix things up right from the start, just to show that there’s room to improve here. More importantly, it would also show that Amazon is willing to go in bold new directions with its mounts. This isn’t how you expected mounts to be. Maybe it’s not the mount you wanted. But isn’t it the mount you deserve?
Probably not. But as will become clear, you’ll take what you can get.
Mount music:
2. A gigantic, scuttling creature with only a huge carapace and tiny legs
What is this thing? What’s it called? Where is its mouth? What does it eat? Why are you standing on it? How does it know where you want it to go? These questions and more will go unanswered as you join the horde of people on this strange, scuttling thing. You could, of course, give it beetle legs, but personally I like to think of it walking on totally normal human legs, just tiny. You know, like a Terry Gilliam animation.
Mount music:
3. Your character with weirdly elongated limbs holding you like an infant
The best part about this is that it adds in mount customization by making it a distorted version of your own character mount. All you have to deal with is nightmare fuel!
Mount music:
4. A boxed DVD copy of the game itself
See, the joke here is that New World is carrying the entirety of Amazon’s game ambitions. Nothing else has actually worked. All of its other projects lie in pieces on the ground and it’s kind of become an ongoing punchline. But New World is out and by some metrics actually managed to be a hit, for reasons I’m not entirely clear on. Like, did you even read that introduction? It seems like we’re constantly writing about how this game is falling apart in one way or another, and folks, I am tired. Are we really so starved for novelty that no one is going to consider whether or not the new thing is actually any good? Are we all just going to blindly rush after something that clearly has no idea what it wants to be? I want to be optimistic, but gosh, it is hard to be –
Sorry, I lost track of myself somewhere. Where was I? Oh, right, the music.
Mount music:
5. Chocobos
Sooner or later, every game with mounts gets a chocobo or something similar. It’s just inevitable. Whether you like the Final Fantasy franchise or you’re straight, for some reason we’ve all just collectively decided that riding a big yellow bipedal bird is so iconic that we absolutely have to have it in any MMO under the sun.
Frankly, I am in support of this. Admittedly Naoki Yoshida has not talked about having a crossover happen here, but it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing that’s happened in the game at this point, and why shouldn’t it? Just give the people what they want, assuming that what they want are chocobos. If that’s not what you want… well, you get chocobos anyway.
Mount music:
6. The Final Horse
Oh, you know.
Mount music:
[ERROR WITH EMBED – VIDEO NO LONGER AVAILABLE]7. Four dogs tied together in a cross pattern
I want to make it very clear here. The dogs are tied together front-to-back, so the dogs are all arranged with their backsides touching and their heads pointing in four different directions. It’s also important to note that the dogs are not in any distress, although they do have their mouths open and panting in that enthusiastic “I am very excited about this exertion” dog look. These are good dogs, and it’s important to be aware that the dogs are not in distress.
When you ride the mount you kind of lie on the backs of the dogs and the whole thing spins around. I really want to see you done up in colonial armor riding a spinning collection of dogs instead of a horse. Don’t judge me. Or do, I think there’s lots to judge in this article alone.
Mount music:
8. An unhinged Ferris wheel tumbling across the landscape
Eventually, almost every game with mounts makes you get on a flying mount. That’s kind of inevitable. I didn’t want to go that route, but I did want to think of a mount that would get you high in the sky. Thus: a Ferris wheel! Just the wheel, tumbling along the landscape, somehow propelling itself as you press the keys on your keyboard, smashing trees and buildings and animals as it tumbles to its destination and people stare at you and wonder what in the hell is happening.
For extra comedy value, imagine a dozen of these things rolling toward a siege event. Absolute gold.
Mount music
9. Dune-style Sandworms
Why should Epic have all of the completely inappropriate crossover properties? You might argue that it’s because Epic is the one game company that seems to regard the idea of having a cohesive game world or lore as anathema to its business model, and you know, you’d be right. But that doesn’t mean you can’t bring it to other games, too!
Just imagine, a group of would-be conquistadors riding across the landscape on the back of worms, rhythmically moving in and out of the ground, with everyone else screaming and running away… actually, for most of these mounts the “screaming and running away” part is kind of implied, isn’t it? None of these things look welcome when they’re riding up to you. You don’t look at someone being carried like an infant by a distorted version of themselves and think, “Yeah, stuff is going super. Everything is going peachy. This is what I want to see happening in front of me right now.”
Whatever.
Mount music:
You were expecting “Weapon of Choice” there, weren’t you? Well, it nearly was.
10. A carpet of centipedes that carries you along
Yep, just a writhing sea of too many legs, carapaces, and feelings carrying you along while you lie on your back and get lifted along on the tide. Doesn’t that sound nice? No? It sounds horrifying and like nothing you would ever want in the game, much less to mount up? Well, it takes all kinds.
Mount music:
Everyone likes a good list, and we are no different! Perfect Ten takes an MMO topic and divvies it up into 10 delicious, entertaining, and often informative segments for your snacking pleasure. Got a good idea for a list? Email us at justin@massivelyop.com or eliot@massivelyop.com with the subject line “Perfect Ten.”
