For my first assignment at Massively Overpowered, I wanted to make a statement. No fluff piece or softball interview is good enough for our readers! As my deadline approached, I flipped through my Rolodex. One name caught my eye. He’s a battle mage. He’s an adviser to emperors. He’s the man who’s trying to put an end to the Three Banners War. Dear readers, I bring you a conversation with Abnur Tharn.
MassivelyOP: Mr. Tharn, I’m so glad to have you with us today. I understand you were involved in an uprising in Cyrodiil. Could you walk us through that?
How did you do that, exactly?
I provided the resistance with intelligence that they used to safely navigate to the throne room. Once they were inside, the rest was up to them.
So you weren’t involved in killing Emperor Leovic?
Of course not! That would be treason!
If my math is right, you’re over 150 years old. That’s quite a lifespan for an Imperial!
Thank you. I attribute it to good genes, mostly. Also, I’ve recently discovered the Keto Diet.
You were a part of the five companions, the group that saved Tamriel from Molag Bol. Could you tell us about your involvement in the Planemeld?
Five companions? Oh, you mean Titanborn and her band of brutes? Yes, they were nice to have around if I needed an especially stubborn flask opened. Besides that, they provided little value. Thankfully, they had enough wisdom to defer to my prowess when it came time to finally thwart the plans of Molag Bal. After all, I had first-hand knowledge of his realm thanks to my undercover work in Coldharbor. I provided vital information that directly led to the recovery of an important artifact. I also successfully performed the ritual that allowed our vestige enough strength to encounter a deadric prince.
Some might say that you had a hand in causing the Planemeld to begin with, considering your involvement in the Soulburst.
I was being loyal to my emperor! A valued trait, even in these times. At any rate, I wasn’t the one who corrupted the dragonborn ritual. Mannimarco is the villain here; don’t try to pin that on me. I had the presence of mind to act like an ally to Mannimarco in order to gain his favor until it was time to make our move. If it weren’t for my survival instincts and covert operations, Sai Sahan and the Amulet of Kings would have been lost, and Mannimarco would have prevailed.
Speaking of the amulet, what ever happened to it?
I couldn’t say.
You mean you don’t know?
I mean I couldn’t say.
Do you have any regrets?
Regrets? Well of course. There is always room for improvement, and I’m not heartless. I regret that certain sacrifices were required. I regret not anticipating Mannimarco’s treachery. I suppose the title “King of Worms” should have been the first clue. I regret that the Empire is a shadow of it’s former self as a result of a regime that I helped come to power. Yet, these things can serve as motivation for future action. The Empire will rise again!
We’ve heard rumors that you’re now seeking out the Wrathstone tablet. Does that seem wise considering your history with Tamrielic artifacts?
I don’t know what you’re inferring. Look, I’ve got a chance to end this cursed Three Banners War and restore the Empire to its proper place on the throne. Ever since we Imperials lost control these factions have been squabbling like unsupervised children. Once order is restored, nobody will be questioning my methods. But trust me, this is going to be huge. If you’re going to end the war, you might as well do it with style, you know?
OK, let’s turn to a slightly lighter subject. I hear you have a large family. How do you balance that with such an ambitious career?
Two words: Argonian nanny! Seriously, she’s a lifesaver. I have seven wives and sixteen children. I’m much too busy with my duties to pay them much mind. Leave it to the experts, I say! I’ll worry about advising the emperor and chairing the Elder Council, and someone else can worry about changing diapers. Not that any of my children is in that stage any more. Some have gone on to be quite successful! It’s nice to have a large network with which to spread your influence and secure your place in history. I’d recommend it to anybody trying to get ahead. Perhaps I should author one of those “self-help” books!
I don’t know about that. Our readers have noticed that you look a bit different now than during the Planemeld. Have you been working out?
Really? You’re asking about my personal appearance? Perhaps we should also discuss that pathetic excuse for a beard resting under your gab hole. Or those plaid flannel rags with which you’ve chosen to adorn yourself. Don’t even get me started on that miniscule mages staff you wield. What do you do with that thing, tickle nixads?
This is a pencil.
Did you ask Sai Sahan about his shiny head or Titanborn about her monstrous feet?
Well, actually, this is my first assignment.
How typical. The Grand Chancellor of the Elder Council walks in, and they send him to talk to the apprentice. Well, at least that explains your muted understanding of my stature and duties. What was your job before this, feeding the guar? I’ve received better treatment at the Knahaten Flu clinic. What do you want to talk about next, my favorite slaughterfish recipe? I think we’re about finished here. If you’ll kindly remove this sound capturing device from my cloak, I’ll be on my way.
We’d like to thank Mr. Tharn so much for speaking with us, and we hope his future endeavors are a success. We can’t imagine what could go wrong.