Perfect Ten: More anthropomorphic MMO studio conversations

A journey into complexity.

A while back, you may recall that I posted some of my conversations with anthropomorphized concepts of MMO studios. If you don’t remember this, you will not be eligible for this year’s Remembering Championship, but considering the fact that said championship is mostly determined by who remembers to show up, odds of that were always low. It’s a memory championship, after all. You can’t judge that like, say, curling.

What were we talking about? Oh, right, MMO studios. Despite that single column, I have continued to have other conversations with various studios, most of which have gone about as well as the first batch. So if you’ve long awaited to know more about the concepts I speak with, your wishes have come true.

If you wish to know about my conversations with my neighbor, I cannot help you.

This is a joke about loxkboxes. There are several.

1. ArenaNet

ArenaNet: Hey, buddy. So, we’ve thought a lot after our last conversation, and… well, we’d like you to try our new pie.
Me: Are there spiders in this one?
ArenaNet: What? No.
Me: Seriously, I remember your last pie being full of spiders.
ArenaNet: Yeah, that was our bad, but no spiders this time.
Me: Promise me there are no spiders.
ArenaNet: No spiders at all!
Me: …did the surface of the crust just move?
ArenaNet: All right, so maybe there are one or two spiders and an undisclosed number of pillbugs.
Me: What.
ArenaNet: It could be zero! That’s a number!


2. Cryptic Studios

Me: Thanks for keeping an eye on my stuff, guys, the place looks really clean.
Cryptic: Yeah, we put a bunch of it in boxes.
Me: What?
Cryptic: See? Those locked boxes right there.
Me: No, I see them. Why did you put my stuff in there?
Cryptic: We put some of it in there. We also filled some of the boxes with expired yogurt.
Me: Ugh, now I have to open them all to –
Cryptic: Five dollars.
Me: The eff?
Cryptic: You want to get in a box, pay us five dollars per box.
Me: Did one of them just meow? Is that my cat?
Cryptic: Five dollars.

It takes some work to find new jokes to be made here.

3. Cloud Imperium Games

Me: Hey, guy, I paid you like fifty bucks to paint my fence, that going to happen soon?
Cloud Imperium Games: I am fed up with giving you estimates for rebuilding your fence.
Me: I… just wanted you to paint it.
Cloud Imperium Games: Building new fences takes time.
Me: But I didn’t pay you to build a new one.
Cloud Imperium Games: Pay me another $550 for a gate that I’ll install in a year?
Me: Just give my fifty bucks back.

One week later…

Me: And that’s how I got Cloud Imperium Games to give me $5,000.
Cloud Imperium Games: Hey!


4. Epic Games

Epic Games: I couldn’t make money with my small business, so I’m giving away my stock and schematics so anyone can use it.
Me: …wow, that is… that is classy.
Epic Games: What, no joke?
Me: No, that’s just cool all around.
Epic Games: Even after we sort of pretended things were fine for a while before announcing the closure?
Me: Well, all right, that part was less awesome, but you ended on a high note.
Epic Games: So could we hang out in –
Cryptic: LOCKBOX’D!
Me: Ow! Did you just throw a locked box at me while I was doing something else?
Cryptic: Five dollars!

A less sympathetic goodbye.

5. Boss Key

Me: All right, I shouldn’t need to explain this, but here’s the math. You have no one coming to your parties and you’re spending a lot of money on them. Get it?
Boss Key: I made my calculator say “Boobs.” See?
Me: That’s it, we’re done.
Boss Key: Sorry you can’t handle my in-your-face-excitement!

Half an hour later…

Boss Key: Come back! I need you to buy me groceries.

Browse at your leisure.

6. Jagex

Jagex: What’s with that face?
Me: Transformers: Universe.
Jagex: Come on, that game wasn’t good, that’s why we cancelled it.
Me: Yes, I agree with you it wasn’t very good. That would be the problem.
Jagex: Look, let’s just forget about that. My new project is –
Me: RuneScape.
Jagex: …well, yes, but this time you can only play underwater?
Me: We’re not friends.
Jagex: Yeah, that’s fair.

I don't know what's going on.

7. Trion Worlds

Me: Are you ever going to finish that extension on your house?
Trion: Nah, we’re working on our basement now.
Me: You stopped finishing your basement halfway through.
Trion: Did I say my basement? I meant my attic.
Me: But you –
Trion: Vintage hot rod.
Me: Please pick a project and stick to it.
Trion: A guide to a cancelled TV show?
Me: I guess if this is as bad as you get, you still come out ahead.

Ah, the stupid memories. Well, goodbye forever.

8. Daybreak Games

Daybreak Games: Good news! People noticed that we were spending all of our time mowing the front yard and none on the backyard, so we’re now calling the backyard “the back space” and removing any reference to it as a yard.
Me: And now you’ll mow it?
Daybreak Games: …
Me: Okay, that’s not how this –
Me: Ow, that one got me right in the freaking corner!
Cryptic: Five dol-
Me: I’m not paying you money for this!

Oh, this'll fix things nicely.

9. Portalarium

Portalarium: Buy our blood.
Me: Uh.
Portalarium: We’re actually launching now. Let us sell you blood.
Me: Back this conversation up, like, fifteen steps.
Portalarium: Your call is very important to us, and it will be answered as soon as we’re confident you’ve hung up.
Me: …did you hit your head on something?
Portalarium: We did put a lot of blood in jars so you could buy it.
Me: The worst part is that technically you deserve to be congratulated.

Good news, this wasn't a fad! (It was a fad.)

10. Niantic Labs

Me: Dude? I’m here to talk with you about your house renovation?
Niantic: La la la la la la la la la
Me: Could you… take your fingers out of your ears and stop singing so we can talk?
Niantic: La la la la la la la la la
Me: I see that you… redid the walkway, that’s good?
Niantic: La la la la la la la la la
Me: You do realize that this project actually requires people to see it, right?
Niantic: La la la la la I’m not listening la la la la
Me: Crud, let me hide under your deck, I hear Cryptic on the sidewalk.

Everyone likes a good list, and we are no different! Perfect Ten takes an MMO topic and divvies it up into 10 delicious, entertaining, and often informative segments for your snacking pleasure. Got a good idea for a list? Email us at or with the subject line “Perfect Ten.”
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