Massively Overpowered feature patch notes for April Oneth

Here at Massively Overpowered, we’re always doing our best to make use of our staff’s particular talents. We make sure to have Justin saying words that he can’t pronounce, we’ve got MJ trying new things that she can greet with enthusiasm, and we have Eliot feeling sad most of the time. But we also have an impressive set of coding features that before now has been largely invisible, humming along in the background. Today, it’s time to start rolling out some new features to make the site really load-intensive and possibly more feature-rich.

By some standards, anyhow. Let’s go through the big changes in patch note list format!

• Fixed Arcane Missiles. It can no longer have children.
• Added a new fact-generating feature to make our headlines more informative and useful. Look for the subtitles to display useful facts all day!
• Improved all of our articles with 50% more adverbs and descriptive turns of phrase for readers viewing on Colecovision. We figure that if you’re enough of a maniac to make a web browser work on a Colecovision, you deserve the good stuff.
• For those of you browsing on virtual reality headsets, the website will now zoom in at your face while you try to read it. It’ll also make a whooshing noise. All “whoooooosh.”
• Broke Arcane Missiles. It will need to sit in a magic spine-repairing rope at the bottom of a pit before coming back to the city for a dramatic final confrontation.

• WE HAVE VISUAL ON BEAR
• Balance changes:
  • Commenting
    • Improved the benefit for reading comprehension by 75%.
    • You will now take damage correctly if starting your comment with “tl;dr” or something similar.
    • 50 DKP minus for every reference to ancient gaming memes.
    • No more fish.
  • Tips line
    • Added the ability to check the site first to see if we reported on something.
    • All tips will release the pleasing aroma of vanilla coffee when sent.
    • Far more fish.
  • Author byline
    • Spawn area corrected.
    • Now fully compatible with the Massively Overpowered Objectivity App with our new authors, allowing you to be sure if the author objectively exists in this world.
• BEAR VELOCITY INCREASING
• Fixed Arcane Missiles absolutely. It will no longer budge from its one spot, sitting in an encased moment of time, like amber. It is preserved there. Don’t walk into it; that’ll hurt.
• The comment lines of our website code are now filled with cursing. Just so much cursing.
• You can now hear a duck quack on our website whenever you visit and have a duck in the house.

• BEAR IS APPROACHING AT ALARMING SPEED
• Our mobile client now displays text.
• Added back in the alt text that Eliot loves so much. While this had previously caused certain site issues, we feel that there are other ways to fix the issue and believe this will be fine.
• Author adjustments
  • Bree
    • More cheese.
  • Brendan
    • Significantly less cheese.
    • Added in a new passive ability, law degree. Believe us, this is the first he’s hearing about it too!
  • Eliot
    • Deleted from the site.
  • Justin
    • Corrected a persistent bug wherein Justin mistakenly identified Dwarves as Elves and vice-versa. We’re pretty sure this is a minor change.
  • Chris
    • Actually, I just wasn’t sure where to leave this so you’d see it; Chris, I have the new flange pump you wanted for the pool? I need you to pick it up, it’s taking up a lot of space and if you don’t get it soon I’m going to have to bring it back. Call me, you have my cell number, or call my work. Okay, buddy?
• Fixed Arcane Missiles. It now works as intended by firing very complex and incomprehensible missiles at inscrutably odd targets which bear no resemblance to your desired targets.

• WE HAVE LOST VISUAL ON BEAR
• Game changes
  • World of Warcraft
    • Changed relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”
    • Will now remember your birthday.
  • The Elder Scrolls Online
    • All coverage will now include the story about how Todd Howard was banned from KFC for a year after seeing that the point-of-sale terminals were not running Skyrim and subsequently attempting to install it, resulting in the police being called after he tried to climb the counter and fell down.
    • Our writers who have never played any games in this series will speculate about fan-loved locations which should be added to the game. This includes but is not limited to the following places which were never actually in the games:
      • New Vegas
      • Lizardtown
      • Big Bubba’s Rockin’ Wing Hut
      • Scary Mountain
      • Bevelle
      • Silvermoon City
      • The Murderfields
      • Detroit
  • Final Fantasy XIV
    • Will no longer remember your birthday. Creeps.
    • Granted a driver’s license for bringing you from place to place.
  • EVE Online
    • Now has an additional tag about spinoff projects which will be abandoned in a year.
    • Look forward to EVE Immortal coming to mobile devices.
    • You guys all have phones, right?
  • Black Desert Online
    • Added tags to include the upcoming set of skates, Black Desert Inline.
    • Skates only available for men.
• Fixed Arcane Missiles. It no longer has personal or emotional hangups. Now it’ll finally go out with us because it’s clearly in love.
• Improved the – OH, GOD, BEAR IS HERE! REPEAT, BEAR IS HERE!

• SUPPRESSING FIRE! SUPPRESSING FIRE!
  • TANGO TEAM IS DOWN, REPEAT, TANGO IS DOWN! MOVE THE REMAINING TEAMS INTO POSITION!
  • THIS IS BRAVO, WE HAVE NO VISUAL ON BEAR! MOVING TO SUPPORT!
  • BRAVO, THIS IS SIGMA, SENDING YOU A FIRING SOLUTION! BEAR IS TEARING THROUGH OUR TEAM, WE DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER WE –
  • SIGMA? SIGMA IS DOWN!
  • NEW ORDERS, WE ARE FIGHTING A RETROGRADE ACTION! DO NOT ENGAGE THE BEAR! REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE THE BEAR!
  • BRAVO, I’M TRYING TO SNEAK PAST THE BEAR, BUT I’M DUMMY –
  • PAYLOAD IS BEING DEPLOYED! BRAVO, IF YOU’RE STILL UP DOWN THERE, GET TO COVER!
  • DO NOT DEPLOY, EAGLE, DO YOU READ? DO NOT DEPLOY! OH, GOD, THE BEAR IS –

• Fixed Arcane Missiles. Now it just fires bears.
• Improved root and berry spawn rates by 35%.